I think there's some luck, but also willing to be open to a relationship. I've had three long term relationships (one in college, one in my early to mid 20s and the last one with my husband). In every instance, there was instant attraction and chemistry between me and the guy and we went from there.

What are the odds that my and the guy simultaneously found each other attractive? I'm average in the looks department. Not gorgeous, but cute enough. I have a decent body, I'm laugh easily and have a good smile. I'm a nice person, but I'm reserved and a little shy. I don't have a magnetic personality. It takes a while to get to know me.

Envy is the thief of joy. Though I know it can be very hard, try not to compare yourself too much. There are marriages that are truly perfect with no bumps along the road, but there are often marriages that seem perfect, but there are issues behind closed doors. I only realized this because two of my close friends' who look like they have everything have husbands who have cheated or are verbally abusive. However, if you just looked at their Christmas cards, their beautiful houses, adorable children, you could easily covet their lives.

I think luck is often involved such as being in the right place at the right time, but I also think for some it is a deliberate effort. There are women who date, and then there are women who date to marry. It's kind of like people who go to college unsure of what they want to major in and what career they want versus people who know before they even step onto campus that they want to become a doctor or lawyer. Their motivation and journey are very different.

I think you are at a point in your life where you now want to date to marry. I would begin my writing down a list of not only the qualities you want in a husband and partner, but also what kind of life do you want: kids? city/suburbs? working full time/part time/ SAHM? That can further help you figure out what you want/need in a husband.

Then read Why Men Love B*tches. It's a very old book, but I cannot explain how it changed my dating mindset and understanding of what men find engaging in a woman. Don't worry, the word "b*tch" means a bad b*tch not the negative connotation.

Then start going on lots of dates whether that is through friends' setups or online dating, but keep in my mind what you have decided you want/need in a partner. Don't immediately discount someone who doesn't quite fit, but think about how that would affect your marriage and life you want to build. For example, your former abusive partner- would you want to raise children with this person? Would you want your son to start emulating some of his abusive behaviors? This is not meant to shame you, but to remind you that you're not just looking for a present relationship but a future marriage and life together.

You are still very young OP and will undoubtedly meet and marry someone. You just might have to put in more effort than others, but it doesn't mean your outcome won't be as wonderful. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not willing to settle!

And that’s how you stay single.

Tha'ts how you avid being married to a spouse that you actually really don't care for and soend 15 + years convincing yourself it's not so bad so you can sta together for the kids or talking yourself out of an affair.

But if you’re holding out for a supermodel, or a tall rich guy, that’s how you stay single.

Anonymous wrote:

Not willing to settle!

And that’s how you stay single.

Tha'ts how you avid being married to a spouse that you actually really don't care for and soend 15 + years convincing yourself it's not so bad so you can sta together for the kids or talking yourself out of an affair.

Not willing to settle!

And that’s how you stay single.

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely believe it is luck -- right place/right time to meet someone who likes you back, luck that you grow together rather than apart, luck to nab a partner who's going to put up with your entitled, nagging, asexual self (just described at least half of my friends) 15 years in, luck that your partner doesn't develop mental or physical health issues that change them, etc.

But I'll get a lot of pushback because people usually prefer to take credit for their wisdom and foresight rather than acknowledge their luck.

OP here. I’d love to agree that’s it’s maybe 90% luck and 10% effort but i am no longer so sure. Everyone around me seems to be getting engaged and married so at this point I feel like it’s something defective within myself. In that same vein, I can’t really pinpoint what exactly IS defective because I believe I’m a flawed but perfectly lovable human being. And I can’t think of anything I am doing “wrong” in dating but who knows.

Attractive people have so many more options, it’s true, but that doesn’t always mean that it’s always easier. It’s partially luck but also about the ability to filter for compatibility. Identifying little clues about if someone is trustworthy. Figuring out must-haves, nice-to-haves, and can’t-haves with the other person. Picking up on red flags and taking appropriate action.

It’s easier for attractive people.

For average Jane, there is a lot of compromise and we try to look at other things in life to make up for it.

I think a lot is luck, and some is looks and personality. I also think it's sort of like the food truck with the long line--maybe it doesn't have the best food, but everyone thinks it does because the line is long. People like what everyone else likes and people are afraid to try something different.

I absolutely believe it is luck -- right place/right time to meet someone who likes you back, luck that you grow together rather than apart, luck to nab a partner who's going to put up with your entitled, nagging, asexual self (just described at least half of my friends) 15 years in, luck that your partner doesn't develop mental or physical health issues that change them, etc.

But I'll get a lot of pushback because people usually prefer to take credit for their wisdom and foresight rather than acknowledge their luck.

I don't think you can compare yourself to your friends and family. You did find love when you were young and it ended tragically (and I'm so sorry for that). Likely, without doing it on purpose, you were very guarded from that and that's why you struggled to find that same love afterwards.

It's great that you've set up a life for yourself and don't plan to settle. At 32, you'll find a quality guy. You just can't compare your situations because they are so so different.

Obesity

I think a lot of it is luck.

sounds like you spent most of your twenties in two relationships that didn’t work out, right? That’s a lot of time taken up on two men when others may have been dating others.

I spent way too much time in long term monogamous relationships with men I did t want to marry, it took too long to admit to myself that I didn’t want to marry them.

Why do you think some people find love so easily and effortlessly while others struggle or are perpetually single?

Why do you think some people find true love and their partners so easily while others wait years to find it and endure so much heartbreak? Dumb luck?

I’ve (32F) always found relationships/hook-ups somewhat easily but that’s probably because I’m outgoing and conventionally attractive. I found true love and a potential life partner at 19 but he unexpectedly passed away from a heart defect in 2012, a few weeks before he closed in on a house and I was set to move in. My next LTR was outwardly perfect but actually really abusive - we lived together and were engaged but I was finally brave enough to walk away in summer 2017. Had boyfriends since then but nothing too serious or memorable.

Needless to say I’ve endured a lot of heartbreak. I’ve feel like I’ve been addressing it as best as can be. I’ve built a really great life for myself and at 32, I feel like I’m in a place where I’m actually OK being single and really know what I want in a partner. Not willing to settle! Met some really great men lately but Kobe that I feel was a good match long-term. I sometimes do wonder why some people around me, like my mom, sister and some friends, found good partners so young and without any effort. It’s literally like they walked into a happy relationship and lifelong commitment without every really trying. My sister has been with her boyfriend since 18 and she’s 24 now. My mom has been happily married since age 23. A lot of my friends are married to their high school or college loves. Meanwhile, I have other friends who can barely even get a text back and have been on the singles market for years. A few have never even been in an LTR. They struggle to find good partners and it makes me pretty sad to see this.

There is no real difference in these friends (male and female) in attractiveness or awesomeness. They’re all equal in my eyes. And I’m not wondering this to be bitter - I’m generally just curious. I also know no one is immune to breakup up or divorce. Is it just dumb luck? It be like that sometimes?