OP, re: the school environment, I think it's because the moms who are best at parenting recognize that school is the child's turf. It not about us.

Anonymous wrote:Same here OP. I have no advice. I run huge meetings and do well at work, but I freeze and choke on the playground. In my neighborhood for 4 years and not a single mom friend - I’m starting to worry my kids will be left out of everything.

See, I’m the total opposite. I feel like I’m socially awkward everywhere *except* with the moms and dads at a playgroup, and if I tried to run a huge meeting at work I would crash and burn. For some reason I feel comfortable getting sociable and chatty with the other moms, and always try to be friendly and inclusive because I know how much it sucks to be that person on the periphery not knowing what to say.

I do live in an area that is slightly more laidback, so I will add the caveat that I’m not dealing with icy, detached “strivers”, just normal people.

I met up with a group of moms from my 3rd graders class at park after work this week. I felt so odd I pretended to have another obligation so I could dip out 🤣. It’s just not my thing no matter how I try.

I’ve always worked at let my nanny do this stuff. Maybe I just don’t have any practice but sometimes I think it’s because I’m not hyper focused on kids social lives. Where I live many of the moms social life’s are an extension of their kids. Who know really?

Yes. I can't wait until my kid is older and there is a little less pressure to fit in or make friends with her peer's moms.

I think more of us feel this way than you realize, which is one reason these groups are often so awkward -- everyone feels awkward and therefore everyone comes off as unwelcoming/distant, and that just makes everyone feel even more awkward, and it's a downward spiral.

I have accepted that most of the time, I'm not going to make lifelong or even casual friends in these groups. Instead, I just try to be pleasant and friendly in the moment to ease the burden of chatting when you have to be social. I try to stay away from any question or comment that could be viewed as competitive or comparison based because that's something that annoys me when other people do it. I also don't tend to ask a lot of "what do you do/where do you live" questions because some people find them off putting and usually if people want to tell you this stuff, they volunteer it.

Instead, I ask people stuff like what their summer plans are (boring, I know, but also usually easy to answer) or I'll just pick something kid-related and ask about it or solicit advice/suggestions (do you like that stroller? how did you find your preschool program? oh I've been looking for a sunhat just like that, where did you find it?). Not a ton, I don't want to interrogate, but enough to take an interest in them and create an opportunity to make a connection of some kind.

It's hard. I am guilty of going to playgrounds after lunch specifically because I know a lot of families head home for naps at that time and I like having fewer people around. I'm the worst!

The great news is that you don't have to make mom friends. There's no reason to join these mom groups or make friends with the mothers of your children's friends. None.

Yes. It is awful. So I found other people to hang out with. Mom group felt very similar to high school. Connected because of motherhood but beyond that not much. Anxieties about looks and clothes and weight and hair added to similar stuff about food for baby and clothes and once school starts--the issues all of us face are different and there is always the braggy one or two. You know, the people on facebook whose lives look amazing. Yuck.

Yes! And I’m a sahm. I actually count it as a blessing, though, because after some time I finally met a mom I clicked with and we are great friends. I’d rather have one good friend than a group of “mom friends”.
I do feel a little like an oddball when I go to activities with other moms (playgroups, kids bday parties etc.) but I’m kind and friendly and I’ve just accepted it. I’m not sure what the issue is, honestly!

I notice people like you. If they seem otherwise cool, I generally try to draw them out and pull them into the group. If they can't do it, I might try to hang out one on one, to see if that makes them more comfortable, but if after that they can't get comfortable with the group, I give up.

I find the mom groups need a different area of expertise. You're either the Mom type who is an expert on everything involved with kid enrichment, education, and has a 400-square foot playroom at home with its own school chalkboard or you're not.

I'm not.

Same here OP. I have no advice. I run huge meetings and do well at work, but I freeze and choke on the playground. In my neighborhood for 4 years and not a single mom friend - I’m starting to worry my kids will be left out of everything.

Yup. But its not the "Mom" thing--most of my "pre-parenting" friends are moms, and I remain quite friendly with women from my first PACE mom's group.

But there is something about addition of our kids, and our kid's interaction with each other, and our current and ongoing activities/roles in the school and community that just makes me sort of half shut down and precludes any authentic friendships. It's like there is too much pressure on the relationship, or at least the wrong pressure.

Yes. Totally. I am not sure why. I made friends easily at college, at work, through volunteering, etc.

Maybe because our only commonality is that we are moms? I don’t know. But the mom squads definitely make me feel like an outcast.

I'm in a new area where the majority of moms are SAHM and I’m struggling to connect with them.

Yes this is me! I really struggle with the socializing with mom groups. It’s gotten to the point where I join the so that I can be part of the virtual community and learn the useful information but I do not go to a single event. I can’t explain it! I’m not shy, I’m a confident person but I just seem to really have trouble clicking in with other moms

What's wrong with me? I can't seem to navigate these mom groups at the playground or other extracurricular activities. I'm working in event planning and public relations. I can work a room confidently but became painfully awkward and uncomfortable amongst the mom groups.