Anonymous wrote:Be mindful of enabling her bad behavior. If she doesn’t want to set a date and time to see you, the natural consequence of that is she will miss out on the visit. It is making you nervous because you feel responsible for her choices. It isn’t your job to insulate her from the consequences of her bad decisions.

My guess is...if OPs mom is anything like mine, OP is afraid of the rage fit that will happen if she doesn't play the game. It helps me to have in writing/email the attempts I made to offer choices and set a boundary of when I must know by. If she escalates the drama to other relatives, I don't respond other than to forward the emails/receipts of all the times I tried to accommodate.

Be mindful of enabling her bad behavior. If she doesn’t want to set a date and time to see you, the natural consequence of that is she will miss out on the visit. It is making you nervous because you feel responsible for her choices. It isn’t your job to insulate her from the consequences of her bad decisions.

OP - thanks everyone for the narc support. My son called my parents for Father’s Day and left a message (we tried a few times). Later I got a text from my mom to my son thanking him for the call and saying she’s looking forward to our visit and that she would [passive aggressive tone here] get in line to wait and see us. Except this is after the 3 times we had tried to get her to let us know when she wants to see us. I wrote back our dates again and asked. No response. If our visit does fill up, then that is her own fault.

If my narc mom did that and everything was already paid and non-refundable I would calmly put in writing 2 or 3 choices of when she can see you and a date you need to know by. If you don't hear from her, a day before the date you will call. If she does not give an answer you will have other plans. Make a plan B so you can enjoy the trip. Remain calm. They love anger.

I do find it helpful to have a sense humor when my mother is in crazy narc mode. She will scream at me she hates drama all while I calmly tell her I need to go. She accused me of yelling at her when she was yelling at me and then told me she always handles life stress with grace. I immediately had flashbacks to all the times she had tantrums growing up at various people. It's funny how delusional she is. The thing is my mom is not pure evil and I have good memories too. I don't plan to cut her off, but my boundaries are major and I enforce them.

I would never speak to her again. Which is what I did with my own narcissistic, manipulative evil mother.

Your mother's actions are abusive, OP. You've reached out and her silence is your answer. Take a break from her, enjoy your vacation, and give some thought to what relationship, if any, you want to have with her. She's not going to change and you're not obliged to put up with abuse even from your mother.

I found the best way to deal with the rage is to just hang up on her. I had to do it a few times before she changed her behavior.

Stop asking to see your mom. Go and enjoy your visit. In normal years, I go see my siblings and never mention that I’m in town. I used to see my mom on about every third visit. We always meet someplace neutral, and I have a quick escape plan. We don’t ride there together. If it’s a restaurant, I bring cash. More than once, I’ve had to just drop cash on the table and walk out.

Remember than you are not responsible for being the target of her rage. You can always walk away or hang up on her.

Totally. My narcissistic mother is having cancer surgery in the USA when she is from Other country ( asked me to apply GC for her)

She expect me to pay for everything including care taker post operative for her when she give my lazy axx little brother everything millions of dollars, in home country) . While I am expected to fund all her care here, and have zero say in every thing

Move on OP. Do not get yourselves in my situations.
Plan your life, if you can’t fit her in last minute because she went cricket, that’s on her.

Gray rock. Move on with your life.

My mother said something to upset me, after I’d told her a few years ago that the topic was really sensitive for me. When I pointed out she wasn’t being supportive, I was the victim of a narcissist rage which was hugely hurtful and I’ll never be able to think of her in the same way again. I maintained my cool and my boundaries and did not apologize (since I did nothing). Since it is summer we have a trip planned to visit and already have flights. I have asked her twice when she wants to meet up, and my husband has asked once. Crickets. I am actually thrilled if we don’t have to see her but it makes me anxious anyway. Not sure what I’m supposed to do at this point. We are filling up the dates of our trip with other events and people we want to see. Can anyone else relate?