Polite, civil, lots of small talk, very formal conversations. If she’s critical or asking intrusive questions, provide neutral responses. “Oh, is that so?” “I hadn’t thought of it this way”. “Sure, we’ll think about it.”

OP, how do you deal when you don't like a neighbor? You avoid as long as it's not obvious. You keep conversation very much on the surface, not revealing much. You try to be pleasant and not be fake-nice, but you should feel free to excuse yourself whenever you can. If there's some decision, and your input is needed, you do so being reasonable and efficient. DH handles all communication that he possibly can since he is the more logical contact person. You do not remind and elaborate on your negative thoughts to your husband. This is his parent. You honor your spouse by not bad mouthing his family - especially to him. That's just hurtful.

Let her know . . .

I cannot imagine telling my spouse's mother that I don't like her. It's true, but my spouse loves her and it's important to my spouse that they get to see her and that I am involved. If I had ever told my MIL that I didn't like her, I am not sure my marriage would have survived between the disrespect for both my MIL and spouse and the hurt that my spouse would feel that I expressed this.

I just ignore everything she says and let it roll off me like water off a duck's back. I just smile and nod. I let DH take the lead with planning anything (he generally just doesn't plan things well or does it all last minute)

Agree with PPs that you have to stay cordial and kind to the best of your ability.

The relationship that needs attention on this issue is with your DH. If his mom has certain qualities, but especially if she likes to violate boundaries and privacy, you need to make sure he will back you up on this issue. This doesn't mean he needs to take sides against his mom, just that he needs to agree with you that it's not okay for her to do certain things that cross a line.

My DH is relatively close to his family, but he doesn't tolerate their BS when it comes to me, and that helps everything move smoothly. I do the same thing for him with my family. We both have some total nutters (or just extremely annoying) in our families, and we basically just reached an agreement that we don't inflict these people on each other except where necessary to keep the peace. So I run interference for him with my parents, who can be a lot, and he runs interference for me with his mom and brother. And that makes it a million times easier for both of us to be cordial and kind when we are together because we've sorted all this out between the two of us and we get each other's backs.

But you've got to have these convos with your DH in advance -- don't wait until the issue becomes critical. I actually did hit a point one time during my postpartum period where I laid down the law a bit with his family. But my DH's response was "it had to be said." Because we'd talked about it before and he knew what it took to get me to that point. And thus he was also able to smooth things over afterwards.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, it’s just hard because she’s a nut job.

My MIL is very very very nuts. I find it easier when I vent to a couple of my closest friends. Because she’s so crazy, the antics tend to be funny, which helps me deal or even appreciate it all in a “what will she do next” sort of way.

My friends and I play inlaw Bingo sometimes when we're all going to see our inlaws during the same time period.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, it’s just hard because she’s a nut job.

My MIL is very very very nuts. I find it easier when I vent to a couple of my closest friends. Because she’s so crazy, the antics tend to be funny, which helps me deal or even appreciate it all in a “what will she do next” sort of way.

Anonymous wrote:Be cordial and keep your mouth shut. Don’t be fake or mean or confrontational. Cordial. Kind. Stay classsssaaay.

This of course you don’t ever tell someone that you don’t like them!

Agree with PP, no point in discussing. You're not going to change the old bat, and she certainly has no incentive to make things right with you, unless your DH has made clear he is willing to cut off completely.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, it’s just hard because she’s a nut job.

Limit alone time and gray rock depending on the crazy.

Completely depends on why you don’t like her! I didn’t like my MIL at first because she is blunt and abrasive (she said some pretty offensive things to me when DH and I were dating), but nothing toxic. I decided I wanted to try to have a good relationship so I focused on what was good about her. I discovered things we have in common and made those connections and I accepted every invitation from her that I could. Now we have a great relationship.

But if it was truly toxic stuff I would just emotionally distance myself and go for your latter option. I would not discuss it because with toxic people that usually doesn’t do much good and there is too much at stake with in law relationships.

Thanks, it’s just hard because she’s a nut job.

^BTDT BTW FWIW

Be cordial and keep your mouth shut. Don’t be fake or mean or confrontational. Cordial. Kind. Stay classsssaaay.

Let her know + define relationship or basically just avoid discussing it with her and just be cordial and let DH drive the relationship and amount of time we spend with her (he’s not a planner so it won’t be much).