Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your child had other issues, PP. This is not the norm by any means. Most kids like pull ups because they’re the easiest. The path of least resistance. They can pee while not stopping what they’re doing.

So yes, I stand by my advice to get rid of all pull ups unless your child has anxiety issues like yours did.

Here is what OP said about her own child:

I realize he is way behind, however we tried potty training him earlier but he refused. He would cry and have a meltdown if I suggested using the potty so I didn't want to make it traumatic/scary by forcing him. It's only been as of the past few weeks he's been open to it. Now he's doing great and I'm just trying to figure out the next step.

This is incredibly common with older kids who parents attempted to train when they were younger and they just flat out refused. Now, I don't know OP's kid, maybe if she said "Ok, starting this weekend we're not using pull ups anymore, no more pull ups!" maybe he's in a place where he would accept that and it would be okay. But if in the past he has had total meltdowns about the suggestion of using the potty, there's a good chance he is very attached to pull ups and would freak out at this.

Which is why I am saying that if you did not potty train a reluctant-to-train child who trained later, then your assumption that the problem is simply the availability of pull ups is incorrect. People think that the issue is just you need to take the pull ups away and then the child will suddenly sit on the potty, and they don't understand what it is like to actually work with a child like this. It's not mechanical.

Plus, if OP is seeing success with the potty right now while her son is still in pull ups, that means he has learned to use the potty despite the presence of pull ups. At some point they have to take them away, yes. But doing it too soon could result in the child freaking out, which could undo all the tentative progress he has made.

People need to stop suggesting this to tired, frustrated parents who are dealing with hard-to-train older kids. It's crap advice. You do not know what you are talking about.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your child had other issues, PP. This is not the norm by any means. Most kids like pull ups because they’re the easiest. The path of least resistance. They can pee while not stopping what they’re doing.

So yes, I stand by my advice to get rid of all pull ups unless your child has anxiety issues like yours did.

I realize he is way behind, however we tried potty training him earlier but he refused. He would cry and have a meltdown if I suggested using the potty so I didn't want to make it traumatic/scary by forcing him. It's only been as of the past few weeks he's been open to it. Now he's doing great and I'm just trying to figure out the next step.

Anonymous wrote:Do the posters who are suggesting OP just go cold turkey on pull ups have experience potty training an older child, or are you just responding to what you think is someone who “waited too long” to potty train?

I ask because I had a late-to-train child and posted about it on these boards and everyone said the same thing— throw out pull-ups, don’t give your child a choice. I get why people thought that was the solution because yes, my kid was absolutely attached to pull-ups as security and it was inhibiting her ability to train.

But what people don’t understand is that children like this LOSE THEIR MINDS if you try to deprive them of pull ups. It’s their security blanket, they often have tons of potty anxiety, and if you tell them “no pull-ups after [x time]” or worse, just took them away one day, their anxiety goes through the roof and you often lose whatever progress you’ve made around potty training to that point.

We had to work with a behavioral therapist to train our kid. Unlike the DCUM crowd, she never suggested taking pull-ups away 100% and in fact our kid still wears them at night and probably will for at least another year or two. What we wound up doing was a gradual step down, starting with “pants off” afternoons at home. That did indeed mean waiting until after a planned vacation and until weather improved, because the goal was to optimize security and comfort for our kid and we needed not to have a deadline to decrease stress and anxiety.

Basically: if you have never trained an older child, and especially not a child who actively resisted training (my kid had total, epic meltdowns when we attempted to train via Oh Crap and other DCUM-approved methods at 2.5 and then 3), then you maybe should not weigh in on these threads. Especially if your first reaction is that it’s shameful or bad that an almost-4yo is in pull-ups. You are suggesting ineffective methods based on a sense of shame and urgency, which is the LAST THING a parent or child in this position needs. The truth is that older, anxious kids need to have a lot of control over potty training because it’s the only way for them to address their anxiety and “feel ready”. Younger kids don’t necessarily need that and can be guided/bribed/cajoled more easily. If you only trained a younger child, you are not a potty training expert. The opposite actually. You had an easier to train child and this have less knowledge and experience in this specific issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I realize he is way behind, however we tried potty training him earlier but he refused. He would cry and have a meltdown if I suggested using the potty so I didn't want to make it traumatic/scary by forcing him. It's only been as of the past few weeks he's been open to it. Now he's doing great and I'm just trying to figure out the next step.

OP, you're fine -- ignore the haters. People who have never had a reluctant-to-train child don't understand that it has nothing to do with you trying to hold them back. Some kids just do NOT want to use the potty and you are totally right that trying to force them to never works. He's on the late side but still within the range of normal, and good for you for figuring it out because training an older 3yo is not easy (I have been there!).

But yes, get a potette (it's a little collapsible potty that you can throw in the car or stroller with a plastic bag to catch anything) so he can go when you are not near a bathroom. You can also teach him to pee in the bushes, but my experience is that slow-to-train kids can be a little stressed out by this and the potette helps them feel more secure during the transition. Once using the potty is no big deal to him, you can introduce the idea of going without a potty while on hikes and things.

One option to make the transition out of pull ups a little easier is to get cotton training pants. They are like underwear (and washable) but have some extra padding in them to soak up accidents. They do NOT prevent leaks -- if he pees in them, it will soak through. But for kids who are very attached to pull ups, these offer a tiny bit more security. I think it's really just the feel of them. Older kids have a harder time ditching diapers/pullups because they are very used to the sensation of the extra bulk and they can feel insecure and exposed in just underwear. But training pants are effectively underwear and since they are washable, he could wear them for a year if he wanted. It's a good in between step if your kid is really nervous about going to underwear.

Good luck and ignore anyone else in this thread who wants to shame you or your kid. You are doing awesome and so is he. I am sorry your DH has not been as helpful or supportive -- mine wasn't either and I definitely think it made it harder. But good for you for figuring it out. And yay for hard won potty success!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I realize he is way behind, however we tried potty training him earlier but he refused. He would cry and have a meltdown if I suggested using the potty so I didn't want to make it traumatic/scary by forcing him. It's only been as of the past few weeks he's been open to it. Now he's doing great and I'm just trying to figure out the next step.