it’s not “masking.”

I agree with PP that you need a divorce lawyer. this is abuse. There is no excuse for it.

Just once, can we get an ‘I think my partner has ASD’ thread without it being that the partner is an awful person.
ASD is genetic. If your spouse has it- your kids have it. And it’s awesome they’ll get to see you associating ASD with awful/demeaning.
Sigh
ASD doesn’t make people awful. Your spouse might be awful AND have ASD.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah - I could have written this. My husband worsened as he got older. I’d listen to him speaking with others on the phone - so kind, charming, warm - nothing at all how he spoke to me in private. Was like had two sides. I thought was Asperger’s - self absorbed, no empathy, has to know everything and always be right. I’m genuinely sorry you are caught in the middle, as have a young child. Asperger’s don’t/can’t change. I’d look at paths to a separation, heading toward divorce. Maybe living separately for awhile will give you both some breathing room and you’ll be able to make decisions in your own best interest.

On Ho. I have a husband like that.really hard and it’s getting worse. Thinks he is better than everyone. Uses people. Treats others like crazy less they can help him

OP, you are so far down the rabbit hole of PTSD and terror from your husband that you can't see clearly the terror he's also inflicting on your children. You need to go talk to a divorce lawyer. My DH has a ton of mental health issues--anxiety, depression, which has led to several years of joblessness, plus childhood trauma of serious sexual and physical abuse-- and he is kind and loving and amazing with our kids.

You don't have to live like this. If my husband were mean on top of the other issues we're dealing with, I would have been gone long ago. You don't have to live like this.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah - I could have written this. My husband worsened as he got older. I’d listen to him speaking with others on the phone - so kind, charming, warm - nothing at all how he spoke to me in private. Was like had two sides. I thought was Asperger’s - self absorbed, no empathy, has to know everything and always be right. I’m genuinely sorry you are caught in the middle, as have a young child. Asperger’s don’t/can’t change. I’d look at paths to a separation, heading toward divorce. Maybe living separately for awhile will give you both some breathing room and you’ll be able to make decisions in your own best interest.

Doesn’t make sense for Aspergers in this case as he can be nice with others. That is something worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH isn’t ADHD. He’s BPD or even NPD (treating you like an object, wtf). The explosive rage is classics BPD. Criticism and splitting etc.

Your DS may have genetic factors for ADHD, but his BPD rage is learned at his father knee.

Definitely divorce and re-marry better to provide better role model stat.

Hopefully he’s wealthy enough a divorce won’t be a huge hiccup. I’m guessing you didn’t date long before marriage and he love bombed you up to “I do”?

What's BPD? Can you describe?

Borderline Personality Disorder. Read Walking on Egg Shells

Anonymous wrote:Your DH isn’t ADHD. He’s BPD or even NPD (treating you like an object, wtf). The explosive rage is classics BPD. Criticism and splitting etc.

Your DS may have genetic factors for ADHD, but his BPD rage is learned at his father knee.

Definitely divorce and re-marry better to provide better role model stat.

Hopefully he’s wealthy enough a divorce won’t be a huge hiccup. I’m guessing you didn’t date long before marriage and he love bombed you up to “I do”?

+100

The spectrum and adhd are wrongly assigned to all kinds of behaviors.

Possibly on the NPD or BPD spectrum

Anonymous wrote:Your DH isn’t ADHD. He’s BPD or even NPD (treating you like an object, wtf). The explosive rage is classics BPD. Criticism and splitting etc.

Your DS may have genetic factors for ADHD, but his BPD rage is learned at his father knee.

Definitely divorce and re-marry better to provide better role model stat.

Hopefully he’s wealthy enough a divorce won’t be a huge hiccup. I’m guessing you didn’t date long before marriage and he love bombed you up to “I do”?

What's BPD? Can you describe?

When I read posts like this, I think to myself that the person on the receiving end does not need to live with this. To the OP, I implore you to seek out alternatives. Theee are better men out there. Trust me. You deserve better.

That’s how mine was when he was in the midst of an affair.

Yeah - I could have written this. My husband worsened as he got older. I’d listen to him speaking with others on the phone - so kind, charming, warm - nothing at all how he spoke to me in private. Was like had two sides. I thought was Asperger’s - self absorbed, no empathy, has to know everything and always be right. I’m genuinely sorry you are caught in the middle, as have a young child. Asperger’s don’t/can’t change. I’d look at paths to a separation, heading toward divorce. Maybe living separately for awhile will give you both some breathing room and you’ll be able to make decisions in your own best interest.

Your DH isn’t ADHD. He’s BPD or even NPD (treating you like an object, wtf). The explosive rage is classics BPD. Criticism and splitting etc.

Your DS may have genetic factors for ADHD, but his BPD rage is learned at his father knee.

Definitely divorce and re-marry better to provide better role model stat.

Hopefully he’s wealthy enough a divorce won’t be a huge hiccup. I’m guessing you didn’t date long before marriage and he love bombed you up to “I do”?

I would talk to a divorce lawyer. You may get a ton of custody time. And it seems like you and the kids would be better off. Also your son may reacting to being around your DH. Living in that kind of household can be devastating.

DH goes into these "states" where he can be explosive, goes into rages, then withdraws for days at a time. Or, he's grumpy, critical, in a bad mood, finds fault with everything I do, and is just downright mean and insulting. Then, after a few days, he snaps out of it. When he's not in one of his "states," he's a pleasure and it's great being around him, although those times are becoming fewer and farther between. He doesn't cheat or have substance abuse problems or anything like that, and does well financially.

I could not understand what was going on until my DS was diagnosed with ADHD, and I learned all about that and also ASD. Then something clicked and it all made sense. I believe my DH might be ADHD/ASD. It's hard, because not only is my DH this way, but my DS is a very difficult child and is showing some similar personality traits. I feel like not only did I get tricked by my DH into thinking he was different than he really is, but now these terrible traits have been passed along to one of our children. It's tough to live with both of them, and I fear for my child's future. We can't divorce because, besides me not feeling like he's competent to actually raise our kids half the time, it would be too emotionally and financially devastating on us and the kids. I wouldn't even know where to start.

He treats me like an object, not a person with actual feelings. I feel like I'm living through trauma and probably have PTSD, although it never ends because I can't get away from it. I am slowly dying inside. Sometimes I feel like the stress will literally kill me, and then my kids lives will be ruined too. Other times, I feel like I'm overreacting and being ungrateful, and that I should show gratitude for the good times and all that we have, and understand that he just has a disability that I have to accept and that he's doing the best that he can.

This is a man I loved and trusted so much, I took my time in my dating life and felt so confident and sure that marrying him was the right thing. Masking is real, I now believe he did this to me in our early years. Although he hasn't actually cheated, I often feel completely tricked and betrayed. It's just too heavy a load for me. It's devastating and becoming unbearable.

Am I the only one? How do you cope and get through it?