Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

* perception

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

* equal

OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

If you can make an agreement that he’ll be an equal partner in all the domestic labor in the mornings, evenings, and weekends - sure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, a lot more sex.

+1. Plus DH was home a lot more. It was just a more pleasant place to be. It was more of a place to relax, and less of another place of work.

... except for the woman doing all the domestic labor?

Anonymous wrote:Yes, a lot more sex.

+1. Plus DH was home a lot more. It was just a more pleasant place to be. It was more of a place to relax, and less of another place of work.

It caused him to fuss and fret about money and long term financial goals. I would not do this if he is the anxious type or your finances are not on track.

Yes, a lot more sex.

Anonymous wrote:Agree with previous poster. I was also complicit in that I felt like I had to deal with all the household things, since my SPOUSE WAS WORKING. Getting a part-time job helped me snap out of it. I also occasionally say I have a meeting conflict when he wants me to do something, to reset his entitlement tendencies.

Yes. Had to be vigilant and maintain a norm of me having a calendar and not just being available to do whatever he happened to prefer at all times.

The hardest part was the tone of voice, the manager-subordinate phrasing and tone that crept in from his office. These things are insidious and very hard to keep from happening.

Different experience here.

I did almost exactly what you are talking about -- I intended to go back after my leave, discovered I was very much not ready to leave my baby, extended my leave, and then wound up just staying home for a couple years. I have zero regrets about it -- it was 100% the right choice for me.

It did change our relationship but not for the worse. One thing it did was really force us to reckon with what it means to "work" in our family. We realized that even though we'd been contributing equally financially for a long time, I'd been doing a lot more of the housework and "invisible load" well before we had a kid. Sure, some of that was because I like it and because I worked at home and it was convenient. But it was also a lot because of gender expectations, and we had to talk through that and discuss what it means.

The upshot was that we all (but especially DH) became a lot more aware and appreciative of the unpaid work of taking care of the house, dealing with finances, planning vacations, as well as now, childcare. We are more explicit about the fact that this is valuable work even though it doesn't technically earn us money. And my DH has started going a LOT more of it. He's had to grow up a bit as a person. It's been good for us.

I will also say that one of the best things I did was continue to keep a toe in my career even though I was mostly not working. That first year, I took on a couple small freelancing projects for my old employer that were easy to do while my baby was napping or playing. As she got older, I started taking on more work but also realizing she needed more focused attention, which led to me starting to get some childcare, until eventually I was working close to full-time and she was in close to full-time care. It was a gradual progression that wrapped up around the time she turned 3. I did not experience that feeling of having to start from scratch to go back to work because I was already working. I kept my work contacts. I maintained a website for my freelancing. I only earned a few thousand dollars in freelance income those first 2 years, but I stayed in the game enough that I honestly never felt like it was hard to return to work.

Agree with previous poster. I was also complicit in that I felt like I had to deal with all the household things, since my SPOUSE WAS WORKING. Getting a part-time job helped me snap out of it. I also occasionally say I have a meeting conflict when he wants me to do something, to reset his entitlement tendencies.

Yes,

Do not do it. Keep the job.

Yes. Don’t do it.

Sadly yes. I became the errand girl, dealer-with of all little hassles, and basically had him dump every tedious chore on me. So I was busy all the time and he got to think about work and have evenings and weekends free. But more than that, he started treating me like an assistant or secretary rather than a partner. So after 6 months I looked for a job and went back to work at 12 months. Now I take a much harder line on that kind of thing and insist he do a share of the mental load and the daytime appointments and stuff.

My husband and I just had a beautiful baby. I’ve always been very financially independent and planned to work. Then I had my son. I have extended my 12 week maternity to 6 months, though I’m contemplating quitting my job to stay home with him and hopefully a second baby for the next couple of years. My husband is very supportive of whatever I want to do. I do often think about how our relationship and marriage will change with me not bringing in an income. I’ve always been one to say I would never be dependent on another person, but I’m here now. For stay at home moms, did your relationship/marriage change? How did you staying home affect things?