Yes and No.

DH was like that. I was fed up and told him I was done with the marriage and leaving. Then the strangest thing happened. He cried, begged and begged for days.

I gave him a second chance and he is pretty good after that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

Are you describing my husband?

I am sorry there’s more than one of him around.

Apparently there's a third, because this describes my husband to a T. Except for the secrecy bit.

I'm terrified to leave not only because of the ugly blowups it will entail, but because I make only 85K a year and don't know how I'll get by in this area on this salary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

and...most likely he is having or had an affair. Goes with the territory of what you have described.

You are right! I caught one confirmed affair and evidence of another inappropriate relationship. I’ve been too scared to leave because it will be ugly. But then again, living like this is also horrible.

I don’t have a great support system because I am too private to discuss with friends and family.

I am in a situation that is similar. I feel for you. It's awful. Friends that do know have either:
1. Took a hard stance that I need to leave him, which then makes me feel guilty when I talk to them so I have distanced myself.
2. Distanced themselves from me and my family no longer including us in gatherings (understandable).
3. Been there to lend an ear and help think through my options.

I suggest you choose a very close friend, someone ideally not in your everyday life that will make things uncomfortable and open up to them. You need someone to help you through this. Also, if possible a therapist. Though Therapists have been harsh in the past.

Sending you a huge hug.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

and...most likely he is having or had an affair. Goes with the territory of what you have described.

You are right! I caught one confirmed affair and evidence of another inappropriate relationship. I’ve been too scared to leave because it will be ugly. But then again, living like this is also horrible.

I don’t have a great support system because I am too private to discuss with friends and family.

An affair can be mended, but constellation of what you are describing sounds like an abusive situation. I'm usually last to suggest leaving. But in your case, I think I'd give ultimatum that you fix relationship or end it. You should lean on your tribe now. Disclose.

I left someone like this. But I do not think he was a narcissist. They are easier to divorce if you let them get their way...within reason. I did. I got less but it was worth it and he is easier to coparent with now. Fighting tooth and nail with someone like this is not worth it. What is worth it is getting out within reasonable fairness even if it was not completely fair. The divorce would have been bad if I did not do it the way I did it. It was a relatively ok divorce because I did not do it by fighting with the full force of the law. I got about 40% rather than 50% and an easier person to coparent with. It was worth it.

You might be surprised that he may be willing to do 50/50 with everything. Do not assume it is going to be a horrible fight. It might be but you have the power to control that to a degree. People have to know who they are divorcing and what their best outcome will be. Fighting tooth and nail--especially with this kind of person--is not worth it. Ask what they want. Go from there. I would try to do collaborative divorce. Mediation may not work well. It "worked" for me but I knew I was going to get less going in otherwise it was going to be an all-out war. My concern was having to coparent for many more years and that was a key factor in how I divorced.

I am pretty sure there is a peer-reviewed study out there that 98% of all ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends are narcissists.

I heard some advice recently--you need to act in ways that benefit future you. So, yes, it will be hard and terrible now, but future you will be happy it is over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

and...most likely he is having or had an affair. Goes with the territory of what you have described.

You are right! I caught one confirmed affair and evidence of another inappropriate relationship. I’ve been too scared to leave because it will be ugly. But then again, living like this is also horrible.

I don’t have a great support system because I am too private to discuss with friends and family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

Are you describing my husband?

I am sorry there’s more than one of him around.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

and...most likely he is having or had an affair. Goes with the territory of what you have described.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

Are you describing my husband?

OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

Yeah, but he weren't married. He lied about having a terminal illness. He was living a double life with another partner. It took me years to get over the feelings of betrayal, but it was obviously the right thing and I wish I'd done it sooner.

Narcissist is a word that gets thrown around a LOT. Some people are just egotistical and assholes. NPD is an actual diagnosis. Which are you dealing with?

Very close to leaving mine - this has been in the back of my mind for several years. I’d love your advice and stories.