I highly recommend the book Untangled by Lisa Damour. Kids this age are experiencing a lot of changes in their brains. Then throw hormones at this unstable environment. My daughter was bullied terribly in middle school. It was such a stressful time.

Usually mean girls have either mean-girl mothers or mothers who have completely checked out. Children learn what they live.

I dunno. I like to think they’re all insecure and trying to fit in in the lowest way possible ... by putting others down.

I had a horrible middle school experience and stand by the belief that middle school girls are the worst group of people on the planet. I now have a 6th grader and fortunately she has an absolutely wonderful strong core friend group. My dd is the youngest and is definitely naive, but she’s also super sweet and kind to everyone. Her friends each have a sort of role they fill in the group - the “mother” the “leader” the “clown” the “organizer” etc. There are @8 of them and they are all lovely kids with lovely parents and they stick up for each other. There is plenty of mean girl drama going on around them, and they have very minor spats occasionally, but I am hoping and praying that these girls keep their bond over the next few years. It’s a beautiful, diverse group of girls and they’ve been close friends since K and 1st. I hope hope hope it stays this way.
She has a younger sister (8, in 3rd grade) who is definitely more prone to cattiness and drama (just by her personality) but somehow she’s found herself a super sweet best friend who has a profound disability, and DD has become her protector/champion/helper which has been great for both girls. They genuinely love each other and I’m happy to see dd being so empathetic and caring. Who knows how it’ll all shake out but I’m hoping that my girls’ caring and kindness endure.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know. I wasn’t, but I was the victim of a significant amount of mean girl BS in middle school, and it devastated me. Like most adults who were once bullied, it has undermined my trust in people the rest of my life. On paper I was very successful as an adult but internally the damage remains and studies bear out that I am not an outlier.

If you figure out an answer I’d love to hear it.

Same here. Relentlessly bullied in Junior High, less so in high school. I still see the dynamic among adults where I live. It’s truly awful.

It was heartbreaking to watch my DD’s spirit break in 7th and 8th grade. She was subsequently diagnosed with mild autism (formerly known as Aspergers). I don’t know the answer but it’s not limited to middle school. I am a successful woman in a male dominated field. Other women in my field have been, by far, the least supportive group. Between the Mommy Wars and lack of woman-to-woman mentorships and professional support, I am exhausted. We should be supporting each other instead of knocking each other down.

The mean ones often have mean parents.

Anonymous wrote:They usually have catty mothers.

This is what I see in my kid's peer group (mixed b/g)

DD 7th grade has been spent virtual all year. People keep telling me how lucky I am we avoided a year of the MS drama. I'm so perplexed by this. What are these girls doing in MS? MS was not bad for me at all.

They usually have catty mothers.

Anonymous wrote:The meanest girls usually have older sisters.

^ 100%

I don’t know. I wasn’t, but I was the victim of a significant amount of mean girl BS in middle school, and it devastated me. Like most adults who were once bullied, it has undermined my trust in people the rest of my life. On paper I was very successful as an adult but internally the damage remains and studies bear out that I am not an outlier.

If you figure out an answer I’d love to hear it.

The meanest girls usually have older sisters.

Oh my gosh. I remember my daughter’s seventh grade she alternated by being the one that people were being mean to and being the mean one herself. It put me in so much PTSD about my own seventh grade year that I spent a year curled up in a ball crying most of the time. It does get a little better with girls but not really all that much honestly they still have a lot of bumps for the rest of high school years. Make sure you grab the book untangled. It really helps you understand the developmental side of it.

Not a rhetorical question. Sometimes I just get so exhausted by the seventh grade drama I need a good dose of the psychology behind the poor behavior to get perspective. Thank you!!