It's reasonable to not spend extra money on things that are status symbols or recognizable luxury brands, but it seems silly to avoid spending money on quality or experiences where you can afford it just to avoid looking rich.

e.g. don't buy a LV Neverfull, but go on the nice trip, buy the good sheets, order the nice meal, and enjoy the fruits of your labor. You don't have to post it or talk about it to everyone you know.

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you are wasting time and energy pretending to be something you are not.

I would not go this far, but I do think this raises an important point.

OP, I have a friend who is somewhat like you, though her upbringing was not as modest. But she and her husband definitely have more money than most the people they socialize with, both due to her husband's job and due to pretty extensive family resources/support on both sides.

Back when they were dating and newly married, she was really ostentatious about money and flaunted it a lot. Brand new wardrobe every year, would post selfies of her outfits on social media and tag the designers so you knew it cost $$, lots of photos of luxury and foreign travel, photos and posts about eating at Michlin starred restaurants, etc. And she was like this in person too -- lots of brags about travel and positioning herself as an expert on fashion and luxury because she could afford that stuff. It was off-putting.

I think she got a little blowback about this at some point, because she somewhat suddenly stopped posting about this stuff quite so much. No more clothing posts at all, and would only post occasionally about travel or expensive restaurants, but far less than I knew she was actually doing those things. I think she realized that, given the socioeconomic status of her social status, her previous behavior might have been alienating and made her dislike her. Good for her -- that shows some self awareness and it was honestly a relief to not be inundated with her consumption so much. She also started talking about and posting about social issues and charity more often. Again, good for her. Growth.

Except... I've noticed that she has started kind of playacting at being middle/working class lately. Like once she realized that flaunting her wealth made people resent her, and once she saw that people maybe liked her more or warmed to her more easily if they didn't immediately know she had money, she decided to test how far it would go. Now I hear her complain about how much groceries cost sometimes, or talk about the cost of bus fares. And she posts about this stuff online too. I know her financial situation has not changed. I find it weird and actually more off-putting than when she used to flaunt her wealth. Like she's trying to convince people that she has less money than she does, instead of simply being a bit more humble and less ostentatious about her wealth. It gives me an icky feeling.

So I'd just be cautious about this. It's a good idea not to flaunt your wealth in a way that feels like a brag -- that's just tacky. But don't go pretending you are something else because that can actually make people more angry than flaunting your wealth. You are rich. Own it. If you want a custom home, build a custom home. You don't have to post about the entire process on Facebook, but don't go acting like you can't afford it or pretending your new car or family vacation is something you scrimped and saved for. Just be honest but not braggy. It's not that hard. I'm middle class, and I don't walk around trying to convince people we live in poverty, that would be weird. But I also don't brag to friends in precarious financial situations about our beach vacation or redecorating my DD's room, because that's tacky. It's not really that hard of a line to walk.

Anonymous wrote:I was raised middle/lower class and am very uncomfortable with displays of wealth. We do very well now, in a way that is so different than how I grew up. However, our friends are mostly middle class (for DCUM, but still) and I feel very uncomfortable spending money in visible ways, even though I could and sometimes want to.

For example, we bought our house years ago and love our neighborhood. House is very in line with friends’ houses or maybe not even as nice. We have done some renovations but it would be amazing to build a custom home. I just feel so uncomfortable thinking about telling anyone that we are doing that or building a large home, even though I would love to live in something like that. It just feels out of sync with our social circle. And I don’t see myself making new friends or fitting in in a luxury home neighborhood or wealthy school district.

I similarly don’t feel comfortable buying luxury cars, because it looks flashy. I don’t care about that at all and run cars to the ground, but I know DH wants a certain car.

I’m ok with spending money on vacations (don’t brag on social media but talk about with friends) and on home furnishings. We save plenty, since our expenses are so far below what we earn. It’s important to me that our kids are not spoiled.

I know this sounds like the silliest problem to have. But anyone else in this boat?

We are the same. We spent our money helping nieces and nephews for their education, brother and sister in need of help, son and daughter need house purchase down payment, and charities.

If you’re happy with your social circle and neighborhood then it makes sense to stay where you are. In the book Millionaire Next Door it talks about people who move to an expensive neighborhood and it’s not just the house. You find yourself buying more expensive cars, clothes, private schools, kids’ clothes, country club, etc to keep up and then you’re not saving as much. I would find it stressful to live that way. The only way I would move is if I felt my social circle was not stimulating or suited to me. For example, living in a working class town with uneducated small-minded people who have different interests than I do.

You sound like you are wasting time and energy pretending to be something you are not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our volvo cost 80k

As did ours. But for DH, I don't think most people would realized he spent that much on a Volvo. Whereas if he drove a BMW, people would think he spent a lot.

Huh? Volvos are expensive cars.

Yes, and I think it can keep you from living life to the fullest. As I get older, I am starting to think "who cares if people know we are *rich*..." But still not acting on it, lol.

We live in a middle class neighborhood because we don’t want to live rich or raise our kids pickled in all that. Otherwise I don’t worry about how rich I do or don’t look. I’m sure we are one of the wealthier households in our neighborhood. But it sort of has the natural consequence of ramping down any ostentatious spending impulse.

Anonymous wrote:Dh is like this. He was raised middle class, but at times his dad was working 3 jobs to maintain that. He doesn't like to draw attention to money. No flashy cars (he's happy with Volvo). No overly expensive clothes unless he's dressing up (and that's because I usually have bought them). he wears jeans and t shirts to work.

He spends money on vacations and his hobby. But unless you are close friends or engaged in the same hobby, no one would have any idea on how much is spent on those.

For the most part, he's just not materialist at all. There is no part of him that feels like he needs to keep up with the Joneses or display his wealth. His thing is if you want to be friends with him for his money or you don't want to be friends with him because you think he doesn't have money, he doesn't want to know you. I used to be super materialist before I met him, he's def. tempered me a lot.

Yeah cause Volvo is bottom of the barrel.

Anonymous wrote:Our volvo cost 80k

As did ours. But for DH, I don't think most people would realized he spent that much on a Volvo. Whereas if he drove a BMW, people would think he spent a lot.

What you need is a horse.

Our volvo cost 80k

I despise ostentation because I think it’s a poor allocation of resources. For me I spend less out of principle and less so due to anticipated social repercussions.

Dh is like this. He was raised middle class, but at times his dad was working 3 jobs to maintain that. He doesn't like to draw attention to money. No flashy cars (he's happy with Volvo). No overly expensive clothes unless he's dressing up (and that's because I usually have bought them). he wears jeans and t shirts to work.

He spends money on vacations and his hobby. But unless you are close friends or engaged in the same hobby, no one would have any idea on how much is spent on those.

For the most part, he's just not materialist at all. There is no part of him that feels like he needs to keep up with the Joneses or display his wealth. His thing is if you want to be friends with him for his money or you don't want to be friends with him because you think he doesn't have money, he doesn't want to know you. I used to be super materialist before I met him, he's def. tempered me a lot.

I was raised middle/lower class and am very uncomfortable with displays of wealth. We do very well now, in a way that is so different than how I grew up. However, our friends are mostly middle class (for DCUM, but still) and I feel very uncomfortable spending money in visible ways, even though I could and sometimes want to.

For example, we bought our house years ago and love our neighborhood. House is very in line with friends’ houses or maybe not even as nice. We have done some renovations but it would be amazing to build a custom home. I just feel so uncomfortable thinking about telling anyone that we are doing that or building a large home, even though I would love to live in something like that. It just feels out of sync with our social circle. And I don’t see myself making new friends or fitting in in a luxury home neighborhood or wealthy school district.

I similarly don’t feel comfortable buying luxury cars, because it looks flashy. I don’t care about that at all and run cars to the ground, but I know DH wants a certain car.

I’m ok with spending money on vacations (don’t brag on social media but talk about with friends) and on home furnishings. We save plenty, since our expenses are so far below what we earn. It’s important to me that our kids are not spoiled.

I know this sounds like the silliest problem to have. But anyone else in this boat?