OP I live out of area so can’t recommend a specific counselor, but I recommend finding someone who practices EFT — Emotional(ly?) Focused Therapy. And in fact that is a recommendation I got from DCUM a year+ ago. DH and I have been in for 6 months and it is going pretty well. It’s up and down and I still have my doubts sometimes but overall it’s much improved. Allowed us to have a neutral space to talk about our emotional “injuries” and also come up with better communication strategies so we don’t fall into old dysfunctional patterns. Before that we were sitting down to discuss the logistics and possibility of a divorce.

I will say, both partners need to be invested in it — if we had tried going 18 mos ago it would have failed because DH had no interest, did not think we needed it.

PS married 12 years, together 18, 2 kids.

Anonymous wrote:Go to John Gottman’s website and find a local practitioner.

This is a great resource. They have regular podcasts, quizzes, articles, etc as well. I've discovered through the Gottman Institute that DH and I basically are suffering with all 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse in our marriage. Not good.

NP here,

If you feel like you benefit from counseling, can you tell me if you enjoy it? Can you tell me what you do during sessions?

DH and I are in counseling together. We have pretty major issues, but we both really want to stay married. I hate it. I feel like we've made some progress in terms of working very specific things out, but I also feel like we're in a pattern where we all save up all the hard things for counseling and say them there, and so every session is like an emotional minefield.

Anonymous wrote:Prefer someone in person and not virtual. DH and I just can’t get along and can’t communicate. The pandemic has only made things worse. We are in our early 30s, been together for almost 20 years with 3 children. I feel like we are only together for the kids.

We live in Northern Virginia.

My spouse and I have been in counseling since October, and it has worked wonders. We both enthusiastically and unreservedly recommend Paulette Hurwitz (our sessions have been virtual, but she's also starting to see patients in office very soon). She's in Ch Ch. Worth the drive if you want to improve your marriage.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/paulette-hurwitz-chevy-chase-md/294096

Anonymous wrote:Therapy has made things worse for us. We fired the therapist but we talk even less. I don’t want a new therapist because I feel that if my DH can’t talk to me without the help of a therapist then it’s not worth it. We spent a lot of money and no changes. I’m done. Just waiting for the kids to graduate high school. I don’t understand why a spouse suddenly stops talking to the other.

I hated discussing old hurts. I didn't feel closer for sure.

Therapy has made things worse for us. We fired the therapist but we talk even less. I don’t want a new therapist because I feel that if my DH can’t talk to me without the help of a therapist then it’s not worth it. We spent a lot of money and no changes. I’m done. Just waiting for the kids to graduate high school. I don’t understand why a spouse suddenly stops talking to the other.

Anonymous wrote:i’m going to save you a ton of time and money. it won’t work. you won’t listen to me and you’ll go to counseling and it will fail. i promise. wishing you love and peace. get out and live your best life.

NP, also in a marriage with awful/no communication which was made worse by the pandemic. Why do you say that? Genuinely curious.

Go to John Gottman’s website and find a local practitioner.

Anonymous wrote:i’m going to save you a ton of time and money. it won’t work. you won’t listen to me and you’ll go to counseling and it will fail. i promise. wishing you love and peace. get out and live your best life.

Ha ha. That's what I came to say.

Our therapist retired, but therapy definitely saved our marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prefer someone in person and not virtual. DH and I just can’t get along and can’t communicate. The pandemic has only made things worse. We are in our early 30s, been together for almost 20 years with 3 children. I feel like we are only together for the kids.

We live in Northern Virginia.

Wow, so you've been together since you were...what, 13 or 14 years old?

That was a typo. We are early 40s.

Anonymous wrote:Prefer someone in person and not virtual. DH and I just can’t get along and can’t communicate. The pandemic has only made things worse. We are in our early 30s, been together for almost 20 years with 3 children. I feel like we are only together for the kids.

We live in Northern Virginia.

Wow, so you've been together since you were...what, 13 or 14 years old?

Anonymous wrote:i’m going to save you a ton of time and money. it won’t work. you won’t listen to me and you’ll go to counseling and it will fail. i promise. wishing you love and peace. get out and live your best life.

+1 OP, If you are unable to communicate now, it will never work. Therapy will only get you and you partner so far.

i’m going to save you a ton of time and money. it won’t work. you won’t listen to me and you’ll go to counseling and it will fail. i promise. wishing you love and peace. get out and live your best life.

Prefer someone in person and not virtual. DH and I just can’t get along and can’t communicate. The pandemic has only made things worse. We are in our early 30s, been together for almost 20 years with 3 children. I feel like we are only together for the kids.

We live in Northern Virginia.