I don't really get it -- but people have affairs, get divorced, get remarried all the time.

I don't think the blame is on the affair partner -- but that's an unpopular opinion on this board. I think the blame is on the person who is married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you will get any thoughtful answers about the specific mental health struggles that cause someone to be a secret partner to a married person. I suspect it's a combination of feeling special, enjoying the excitement of sneaking around, and the combination of those making her feel like it's him and her against the world... That nobody will understand their love. That kind of feeling is like a drug and is very hard up let go of. This is especially true when you have any kind of self-hatred or worthlessness feelings. The "special" feeling masks the pain until eventually the shame takes over. But then the worthlessness feeling is even more profound and so back to craving that "special" feeling again. It's a cycle of mental health crisis, addiction, fallout, repeat.

There is a lot of self-delusion too. They walk around appearing to be 'oh so happy and together', oh so charitable and decent...it masks a sh*tload of dysfunction.

I don't know how anyone hidden and not take out in the real world and used for a 30-40 min session in a hotel or back of a car feels 'special'. That is some serious self-delusion and willingness to believe lies like 'you are my soulmate. i would leave my wife but I can't do that to my kids'. blah, blah, blah...rinse, repeat.

It's dysfunction meeting dysfunction in a wonderfully dramatic histrionic personality disordered world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you will get any thoughtful answers about the specific mental health struggles that cause someone to be a secret partner to a married person. I suspect it's a combination of feeling special, enjoying the excitement of sneaking around, and the combination of those making her feel like it's him and her against the world... That nobody will understand their love. That kind of feeling is like a drug and is very hard up let go of. This is especially true when you have any kind of self-hatred or worthlessness feelings. The "special" feeling masks the pain until eventually the shame takes over. But then the worthlessness feeling is even more profound and so back to craving that "special" feeling again. It's a cycle of mental health crisis, addiction, fallout, repeat.

There is a lot of self-delusion too. They walk around appearing to be 'oh so happy and together', oh so charitable and decent...it masks a sh*tload of dysfunction.

I don't know how anyone hidden and not take out in the real world and used for a 30-40 min session in a hotel or back of a car feels 'special'. That is some serious self-delusion and willingness to believe lies like 'you are my soulmate. i would leave my wife but I can't do that to my kids'. blah, blah, blah...rinse, repeat.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you will get any thoughtful answers about the specific mental health struggles that cause someone to be a secret partner to a married person. I suspect it's a combination of feeling special, enjoying the excitement of sneaking around, and the combination of those making her feel like it's him and her against the world... That nobody will understand their love. That kind of feeling is like a drug and is very hard up let go of. This is especially true when you have any kind of self-hatred or worthlessness feelings. The "special" feeling masks the pain until eventually the shame takes over. But then the worthlessness feeling is even more profound and so back to craving that "special" feeling again. It's a cycle of mental health crisis, addiction, fallout, repeat.

There is a lot of self-delusion too. They walk around appearing to be 'oh so happy and together', oh so charitable and decent...it masks a sh*tload of dysfunction.

Just a guess -

Daddy abandonment issues stemming from childhood trauma.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the 80/20 dating rule is true. And that top 20% of men are always married.

Top 20% in what? Would argue that if they are married then they shouldn’t be included in your dating calculation.

20% of the men sleep with 80% of the women. Married or single, a hound will always be a hound.

This makes no sense. Top 20% according to what? A man who is sleeping with multiple women, regardless of how nice his face or body or checkbook are, is not top 20% to me!

I only know one woman who is consistently OK with this and she is lovely person and wonderful friend but also happens to seem deeply averse to commitment and not open to reasonable partners. I am not sure she is happy with that, but on the surface she certainly claims to be and repeats it over and over.

I don't think you will get any thoughtful answers about the specific mental health struggles that cause someone to be a secret partner to a married person. I suspect it's a combination of feeling special, enjoying the excitement of sneaking around, and the combination of those making her feel like it's him and her against the world... That nobody will understand their love. That kind of feeling is like a drug and is very hard up let go of. This is especially true when you have any kind of self-hatred or worthlessness feelings. The "special" feeling masks the pain until eventually the shame takes over. But then the worthlessness feeling is even more profound and so back to craving that "special" feeling again. It's a cycle of mental health crisis, addiction, fallout, repeat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the 80/20 dating rule is true. And that top 20% of men are always married.

Top 20% in what? Would argue that if they are married then they shouldn’t be included in your dating calculation.

20% of the men sleep with 80% of the women. Married or single, a hound will always be a hound.

Anonymous wrote:Because the 80/20 dating rule is true. And that top 20% of men are always married.

Top 20% in what? Would argue that if they are married then they shouldn’t be included in your dating calculation.

She obviously isn't very great and has some serious internal issues if she hasn't been able to find and marry an available guy --one that isn't married to someone else.

Because the 80/20 dating rule is true. And that top 20% of men are always married.

I’d love to have her sit with a betrayed wife and her kids and listen to them talk about what an affair does to a family in the long term. The hurt and trauma it causes the wife. If she had even a single bit of empathy in her body she wouldn’t be contributing to another woman and her children’s pain. Yes- the man is to blame- but she knows about them so she is taking part in that harm.

At the very least, she should realize even if she succeeds (though odds are severely stacked against her) and she gets this man, what has she won? She’s gotten a deceitful, lying cheater. Wow. What a prize to build a future on.

Patriarchy...? Have you seen how many women, married and not, lie to themselves because they think they have to do it to be loved? It’s not really love, but it’s the best they can get in this system where a woman’s experience and truth about her own life is systematically silenced. Sadly it just leads to more shame and more lies and no love.

One of my good friends is now doing this for the second time. I don’t get it because she could do so much better. She’s pretty, great career, etc. yet she finds herself being the other woman for now a second time. Please help me understand. Finding it more difficult to hear her vent because I just don’t understand it.