If you reread your own posts OP what you say is essentially that you reward your mil for her passive aggressive behavior by encouraging even more hanging out time.

Please get help for your people pleasing/anxious tendencies. This is not on your mil to resolve for you. You are not responsible for her passive aggressiveness and she is not responsible for managing to your anxiety. That is codependency.

Best of luck. You working through this will benefit you well beyond your relationship with your mil.

Examples please

Either do it back or do what her kids do. No middle ground here.

She's probably delighted that her techniques work on you!

Let that thought sink in, and don't give her the pleasure.

This is your problem. You can't control or fix her. You can control and fix you.

So she disagrees, or guilt trips, or is passive aggressive. So what? Her disappointment or frustration is her problem, not yours.

"I said no, Barbara. I have to get going on some chores, so I'm going to get off the phone now."

Why are you even dealing with her directly? Punt it to your husband. "You'll have to talk to Jim about that."

I’m going to guess she enjoys the game of watching you try harder and harder. I have a friend like you and I see people do this to her- it’s weird. Like it’s easy to work her up for sport. Just a thought. Maybe consider that you look worse, so the approval you’re seeking is actually getting farther away.

Anonymous wrote:Copy her kids.

+1

It's a new (I'm assuming you haven't been married for 30 years) dynamic for you - you'll need to adjust. That's okay. But it sounds like her kids have set a good example for you. Learn from them. It's okay if it takes a little time to get used to.

Stop caring so much if she likes you or not. This will only get worse and the resentment and annoyance will build until you realize your resentment towards her trumps caring about her thinking you are nice.

Altering your behavior so she thinks you are nice or manipulative is codependent, emotional manipulation behavior. That’s essentially what people pleasing behavior is. An attempt to control other peoples emotions about you.

I get it. No judgement here.

Anonymous wrote:You having anxiety is not her problem. On the other hand, her "asks" of you are just that - they are asks. Say, no if you want.

Op here I think that’s right, as I acknowledged. At the same time however she’s aware of my anxiety and doesn’t seem to take it into consideration when intentionally guilt tripping me. It’s annoying, but a small problem in the scheme of things. I like her and part of me just wants her to like me and accept my choices! We do a lot with them. I encourage it.

Can you give us an example?

Copy her kids.

You having anxiety is not her problem. On the other hand, her "asks" of you are just that - they are asks. Say, no if you want.

You need to limit your time and engagement with her. Let DH take over.

Gray rock.

It’s so tough for me because I often feel the need for approval and get really anxious when mil says something passive aggressive to me when I can’t or won’t do something she’s asked of me. It gives me a lot of anxiety! My need to be seen and understood kicks in and I start explaining my reasoning which doesn’t get any approval, just gets more passive aggressive remarks. She does this to her own kids and they are completely capable of shrugging it off and not engaging. But I guesss my need for approval, especially since it’s not my mother, gnaws at me.