For me, the worst part of divorce has been losing my social network. Our lifelong friends have ditched us, and I used to socialize with his family a lot, and they've ditched me (even though bipolar cheating ex was clearly to blame for divorce). I'm an only child with no kids and divorced elderly parents.

It depends on so many things. Divorce was not the worst thing to happen to me- one of the better things. But it wasn’t contentious, and I was working. We did not “go after” each other.

YOLO. Not wasting time in a bad marriage.

OP, the hardest part of divorce can change over your lifetime as a divorced person. First it may be the kids' reaction, then it may be a problem step-parent, then it may be having to delay retirement because of the financial damage, then it may be loss of family time with grandkids. You can have all of these things and they can be the worst at different phases of life. Sometimes in ways you didn't anticipate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Probably not at the top of most people's lists, but divorce means I failed at one of life's most important decisions. Sure, plenty of people divorce, spouses change, yada yada yada, but that doesn't erase the fact. What did Nora Ephron say? Marriages are temporary but divorce is forever.

This. And for as long as your ex or you children are alive you will be living the divorce lifestyle of arranging schedules, having to be flexible, and having less time with your children and grandchildren than you otherwise would. It doesn't stop, ever. Even if everyone gets along it is a much more complicated way to live.

Another bad effect is that your children may dislike or reject your new partner so then you'll be sort of awkwardly between two worlds. You can't make them like each other, you really just can't.

+1

Sounds like you have major control issues OP. Not that surprising that your marriage is miserable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Probably not at the top of most people's lists, but divorce means I failed at one of life's most important decisions. Sure, plenty of people divorce, spouses change, yada yada yada, but that doesn't erase the fact. What did Nora Ephron say? Marriages are temporary but divorce is forever.

Yeah, this. It means you made a major mistake. And now your kids are going to pay for your mistake, even though they are innocent.

Sadly, some parents makes you think you are part of the problem. As a child, I felt like a punching bowl.

^ I meant “ball”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Probably not at the top of most people's lists, but divorce means I failed at one of life's most important decisions. Sure, plenty of people divorce, spouses change, yada yada yada, but that doesn't erase the fact. What did Nora Ephron say? Marriages are temporary but divorce is forever.

Yeah, this. It means you made a major mistake. And now your kids are going to pay for your mistake, even though they are innocent.

Sadly, some parents makes you think you are part of the problem. As a child, I felt like a punching bowl.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Probably not at the top of most people's lists, but divorce means I failed at one of life's most important decisions. Sure, plenty of people divorce, spouses change, yada yada yada, but that doesn't erase the fact. What did Nora Ephron say? Marriages are temporary but divorce is forever.

Yeah, this. It means you made a major mistake. And now your kids are going to pay for your mistake, even though they are innocent.

Yep. Or not like one specific mistake, but together the parents didn't hold it together, and the whole family is going to pay the price for decades to come.

It was only when I married into a happy family that I realized what I was missing out on. I would have said my parents' divorce was for the best and that I wasn't harmed, but that was naive. The solid foundation of emotional and logistical support (or at least, lack of problems coming from the parents' end) is just tremendously valuable to adult children and grandchildren too. I never really understood that until I saw it.in practice.

Anonymous wrote:Probably not at the top of most people's lists, but divorce means I failed at one of life's most important decisions. Sure, plenty of people divorce, spouses change, yada yada yada, but that doesn't erase the fact. What did Nora Ephron say? Marriages are temporary but divorce is forever.

Yeah, this. It means you made a major mistake. And now your kids are going to pay for your mistake, even though they are innocent.

It's just sad. I'm not a failure, but my marriage did fail. I have to think about it daily because we have children together. It's just different than what I had planned for my life and how I planned to raise my kids. There is a lot of nostalgia, especially when I am confronted with dropping kids off with their dad and his girlfriend. It's like looking in on what my life should have been, but will never be. Not saying my life is unpleasant- it's better in many ways. Just very different, and I do get sad about it.

Ex moving far away and your children reacting with prolonged distress.

Ex being a crappy parent and sticking you with way more of the work.

Major kid health/mental health/academic/drug/legal crisis and you and your ex not getting on the same page in how to handle it.

Anonymous wrote:Probably not at the top of most people's lists, but divorce means I failed at one of life's most important decisions. Sure, plenty of people divorce, spouses change, yada yada yada, but that doesn't erase the fact. What did Nora Ephron say? Marriages are temporary but divorce is forever.

This. And for as long as your ex or you children are alive you will be living the divorce lifestyle of arranging schedules, having to be flexible, and having less time with your children and grandchildren than you otherwise would. It doesn't stop, ever. Even if everyone gets along it is a much more complicated way to live.

Another bad effect is that your children may dislike or reject your new partner so then you'll be sort of awkwardly between two worlds. You can't make them like each other, you really just can't.

Probably not at the top of most people's lists, but divorce means I failed at one of life's most important decisions. Sure, plenty of people divorce, spouses change, yada yada yada, but that doesn't erase the fact. What did Nora Ephron say? Marriages are temporary but divorce is forever.

Financial damage

Kids being really angry and upset (don't count on "resilience")

Losing half your time with your grandchildren, forever

Kids having a harder time caring for you and your ex separately when you are really old

Ex having more kids with new wife and ignoring your kids and not being able to afford his share of your kids' costs

Unhelpful help from in-laws is really not that bad compared to how bad these things can get.

Curious about the reality. My imagined worst thing is having my inlaws half raise my kids (they’d move in next door to dh in an instant to “help their baby” and spoil my kids the same way they spoiled him) and potentially in the future have some currently unknown girlfriend or step mom half raise my kids