Anonymous wrote:I would ask him when you’re supposed to see your own family. Or are you just tethered at the hip to his family now.

Op Exactly! I have a finite number of vacation days! It’s not about avoiding his family, it’s about balance! And he lost his shit!

I would ask him when you’re supposed to see your own family. Or are you just tethered at the hip to his family now.

Anonymous wrote:I suggested --- he accused ... not wanting to be part of his family ... avoiding

You don't have to be with this guy

This. Your request was perfectly reasonable and normal.

As pp stated there's a wide range of normal when it comes to SOs and family vacations.

However your boyfriend's response is not normal. In fact it's a huge red flag that you should not ignore.

Anonymous wrote:This would exhaust me. It's nice of them to include you, and nice of you to participate in his family, but when it moves from "fun opportunity, no pressure if you can't make it!" to "you have to come," that's when it becomes an issue.

Op - this is the issue. It's lovely for his parents to invite me, and I like them a lot! I don't want anyone to think I dislike them or that I'm ungrateful - they are very, very generous.

But I'm kind of worried that I just...suggested...I skip one trip a year and he flipped. It wasn't meant as a dig as in, "Oh, I don't like your family and want space from them." It was meant in the sense of, I enjoy alone time at home and once I return to work in the office I'll only have a certain number of weeks. Plus there's a lot of other stuff I want to do in a year!

Anonymous wrote:He sounds enmeshed. Sorry,

+1000

Run!

Anonymous wrote:I suggested --- he accused ... not wanting to be part of his family ... avoiding

You don't have to be with this guy

Op here. I know I don't, but I love him.

And I like his family, they are not really the issue. I just don't know why it was such a big deal that I suggested I skip a vacation.

This would exhaust me. It's nice of them to include you, and nice of you to participate in his family, but when it moves from "fun opportunity, no pressure if you can't make it!" to "you have to come," that's when it becomes an issue.

He sounds enmeshed. Sorry,

This would be a huge red flag for me. I am not giving up all of my vacation time for family trips for a family I'm not even part of, lol. And even if I had unlimited time off, why would I have to go on every trip?

My parents stopped inviting me when I graduated college. After marriage, we started planning joint trips together though and we like to vacation together. We usually go on one a year. It makes it really nice with kids. We get adjoining rooms in the hotel. We put the kids to bed and then go out and enjoy the nightlife. My parents are exhausted and don't want to go out past 9pm, but would wake if there were something wrong with the kids (sound sleepers who don't wake).

I find it concerning that your bf still goes on family vacations. How old is he? Are they paying?

I suggested --- he accused ... not wanting to be part of his family ... avoiding

You don't have to be with this guy

Each family has a different style and approach. I don't think there is "normal." There is just what you are comfortable with.

I have a good friend with a VERY tight knit family. They are all married with kids, but are very involved in each others lives- they stop by unannounced, they have extended family dinners once a week, they travel together, etc. I on the other hand, have never been particularly close with my own family in my adult life, much less my spouse's family. We see each other maybe once a year.

I always find these conversations interesting when people ask about in-laws and expectations, etc. It is much like the discussions about sex drives/frequency- the question should not be what is "normal" but rather if you are compatible and can you both agree on how you want to behave and interact.

I think your suggestion was perfectly reasonable. If you had said you hated his family and never wanted to see them, I would think you were in the wrong, but it's perfectly reasonable to say, "Hey, I like your family but I don't want to participate in every trip. I need space, too!"

It is not normal to do that. Using up all your vacation on his family trips would be silly, and the fact that he reacted the way he did is a big red flag.

Do you go on your significant other's family vacations? My boyfriend's family does 2 a year - I suggested that I only participate in one (because I have limited vacation) and he accused me of not wanting to be part of his family, avoiding seeing them, etc. All I meant was, it gives me an opportunity to be home alone, and gives us some space from each other AND like I said, I have limited vacation so I can't use it all up on his family when I want to see my own family, visit friends, go on trips w/ bf, take personal days, etc. Thoughts? Just curious if it's common to go on EVERY trip your s/o's family takes.