I got this recommendation from DCUM and I'm passing it on. I highly recommend that you read:
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents and
- Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents

Both books are by Lindsay Gibson.

I got them from the library, nagged my husband to read them (I rarely nag so he knew I was serious), and he liked them both so much that we bought both books. He's reread them already.

These books gave me a vocabulary for what I experienced growing up. I've suggested the books to some of my cousins and my sister-in-law.

If you haven’t experienced this from your mother you really don’t know what it feels like. When I was 12 and my dad was out of town my mom got mad about something and left my brother and me all day with no idea where she was or if she was coming back. I was panicked and when she got home after dinner she just laughed about it. The silent treatment has always been her favorite form of punishment and until recently I would panic if I thought she was mad at me. Maybe it’s not abuse but it can really mess with your head.

Anonymous wrote:It’s abuse, and it’s bull. It’s horribly irresponsible and emotionally immature. No one is perfect but that doesn’t mean you can’t work to be a better person and love those you care about in a more empowering way.

You are speaking as someone who it sounds like is well versed in psychology and who has either done therapy or has read a lot of self-help books. OP is talking about someone who is either part of the silent generation (pun intended) or baby boomers. Unless she was from an affluent family, I highly doubt she got any therapy and the stigma was huge for some of those folks. OP's mother isn't going to therapy any time soon and her way of coping while possibly immature (we don't know her side) isn't harming OP, unless OP lets it harm her. You cannot expect that generation to magically acquire all the tools and use the right lingo unless they want to. Just meet her where she is and accept that this is her coping style, even if it offends you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup my mom does this. I just ignore her and then she gets over her tantrum and she calls me.

This but thankfully every time she does it she goes longer and longer without contacting me. She thinks she's punishing me but doesn't realize the break is really nice.

Enjoy the break. By the way...calling these things abuse really is an insult to those of us who have been abused. It's immature. It's not ideal that she doesn't use her words, but the woman probably doesn't know how to deal. It's much better than her screaming at you verbal daggers aimed at all your weak-spots or strangling you or punching you or touching you inappropriately. On the scale of bad parent behavior this is not high. She can't say anything nice, so she isn't saying anything. Enjoy the break.

Anonymous wrote:Yup my mom does this. I just ignore her and then she gets over her tantrum and she calls me.

This but thankfully every time she does it she goes longer and longer without contacting me. She thinks she's punishing me but doesn't realize the break is really nice.

It’s abuse, and it’s bull. It’s horribly irresponsible and emotionally immature. No one is perfect but that doesn’t mean you can’t work to be a better person and love those you care about in a more empowering way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is emotional abuse but you are just used to it so you can’t see that.

I grew up with this with my mom too. I didn’t even challenge it until I was married and my DH pointed it out. His attitude was to just let her go silent, or storm out or whatever she was doing. It took me a couple of years if I am honest to stop jumping and reacting to what I call her “emotional terrorism” and establish boundaries. But I did.

I also went to a therapist to help me.

GL. You deserve better and this has probably been hurting you a long time.

Just because some random website told you it's abuse, doesn't mean it's abuse. That generation was not raised learning to identify their emotions and manage them so they developed less helpful means. Just read it a sign she is anxious/overwhelmed/obsessing or truly busy and let it go. So what if she can't talk. It only matters if you give it meaning.

Even so, it’s time to stop this cycle.

Yup my mom does this. I just ignore her and then she gets over her tantrum and she calls me.

Anonymous wrote:This is emotional abuse but you are just used to it so you can’t see that.

I grew up with this with my mom too. I didn’t even challenge it until I was married and my DH pointed it out. His attitude was to just let her go silent, or storm out or whatever she was doing. It took me a couple of years if I am honest to stop jumping and reacting to what I call her “emotional terrorism” and establish boundaries. But I did.

I also went to a therapist to help me.

GL. You deserve better and this has probably been hurting you a long time.

Just because some random website told you it's abuse, doesn't mean it's abuse. That generation was not raised learning to identify their emotions and manage them so they developed less helpful means. Just read it a sign she is anxious/overwhelmed/obsessing or truly busy and let it go. So what if she can't talk. It only matters if you give it meaning.

Because she controls you with her behavior. she leaves you to scratch your head and guess why this is happening, was it your fault? did you say something wrong? then you call back to check, you give her attention, maybe you apologize, and overall you walk on eggshells around her.

just call her bluff. she gives you the silent treatment, just smile and ignore. dont call her, just leave her alone. my mom after a while starts complaining with my dad and we get my dad's calls asking us to call mom who does not fell well and we are so unfair to her. a person like that does not really change but you can set boundaries.

I always announce plans for birthdays and celebratory occasions so that people (me included) don't feel neglected and aren't left to assume the worst if it doesn't happen. You knew the snow was coming, you could have announced "I won't come in person but I'll call at 10am and we'll celebrate this weekend".

Having said that, it sounds like your father is reasonable and your mother is not. No amount of planning will satisfy her, probably, so it's best to ignore her.

Ignore and engage only with your dad when she pulls that. She’s trying to get a reaction from you to show that she can control your emotions. And don’t let it get it you. She is trying to “punish” you so that you change your behavior going forward. If you reward her, she will keep doing it.

Why does it matter? It's like a child with a tantrum - you ignore. Like you say, they are not in any danger. You've had a nice chat with your dad who you were extending greetings to. You don't NEED to talk to her so don't play into her childishness. When you do, she's getting the exact reaction she wants (control) and on her terms. She's not 4 years old. If she has something to say and she can't use her big girl words to express herself, then let her pout alone in her room until she's ready to join the rest of the family.

This is emotional abuse but you are just used to it so you can’t see that.

I grew up with this with my mom too. I didn’t even challenge it until I was married and my DH pointed it out. His attitude was to just let her go silent, or storm out or whatever she was doing. It took me a couple of years if I am honest to stop jumping and reacting to what I call her “emotional terrorism” and establish boundaries. But I did.

I also went to a therapist to help me.

GL. You deserve better and this has probably been hurting you a long time.

I’m at my wits end and I don’t know how to handle my mom anymore.

We live along the path of all the snow and we got hit last night. My parents live 45 minutes away on a good day. Today is my dad’s birthday, but we made no plans to celebrate because we knew the snow was coming. It was left sort of TBD. It’s worth noting that my parents pay for a snow plow service.

I call my dad this morning to wish him a happy birthday. After I conversed with my dad for a bit he asked if I’d like to talk with my mom, I said yes and he went to bring her the phone, but she refused to talk, she was “busy”. She pulls this often when she’s “angry” but won’t tell you why she’s angry, she leaves you guessing. So I spoke some more with my dad who mentioned they’d probably go clean up after the plow. I told him I would call and check in later.

So I call and get no answer. I try cell phones, nothing. They have a nosy neighbor who would have for sure called me if they had heart attacks while shoveling, so I know they are ok. My mom is just giving me the silent treatment for no reason. Maybe she’s mad because I didn’t drive in this crap to clean up after their plow? Maybe she’s mad I shafted my dad on his bday? Who knows. All I know is I hate this crap every time she’s upset. How do I handle this crap. I’m so over it!