I plan to start by saying my mom lives very far away (if they ask)

Later on that might move to something like “my mom didn’t really know how to be a mom”

As they get older, I might share more if they are actually interested. I’m guessing they won’t be super interested but if they are we can talk about it.

The important thing is that it not become this taboo topic they can never ask about. Try to keep lines of communication open about it.

When they are old enough to understand, I plan to tell them that they get to make their own life, and that they have to know that if they encounter a toxic friend, boss, relationship, even family member, it’s ok to make decisions about who gets to be in your life.

No advice bc my kids are too young to ask, but I also don't speak to my mother and she has not met my kids. She lives across the country and has severe paranoia/maybe schizophrenia.

I was upset about it for awhile, but then when my first child was about 4 mo, my mom made a comment about how my "baby would be dead" if my father (mom's ex-husband) gets to see her (she thinks my dad is a murderer/child abuser....), and just someone talking about my baby being dead sent me into extreme "mama bear" mode, I guess, and I just shut that door on having a relationship with her.

I don't have any plan for what to say to my kids. I guess I'm thinking maybe just that she lives across the country and that's why we don't see her? And then when they're old enough, tell them the real reason?

Your kids are young and they will likely accept things as they are. As they get older, I am honest but simple in my responses. That phase doesn't last long.

My kids see my dad a lot and my in-laws a fair bit. They've met my mom twice I think? Either way they don't remember meeting her. I have used age-appropriate phrases to explain it to them over the years, but honestly they rarely ask about it! Kids are pretty good at accepting "normal" unless you tell them something is off. Like, they aren't born with the expectation that they should see all their grandparents with relative frequency, so they think their situation is normal. As they get older they may see their friends having different relationships and ask why theirs is the way it is, and I'll explain more to them as they get older, but I wouldn't fret about it now if I were you. If you act like it's normal, it will be a while until they think otherwise, and by that point they'll be older and you can explain that you had a difficult relationship with your mom etc. Honestly, I've learned that kids are pretty accepting of everything unless someone tells them it's wrong. My kids have friends with two moms or two dads or one mom or one dad and never once have they commented on it being "weird" because we've always said families come in all shapes and sizes.

Anonymous wrote:My mom was very honest with us about why we didn’t see her mother. She kept it simple when we were young, but when we got to about middle school probably is when we heard more details. When my mom told stories of her childhood, she always called her mom by her first name. So she was never “grandma” to us. I think not having that family identifier helped because no one ever regretted not knowing our grandmother or wanted a relationship with her.

This is similar to how I handled it too. My kids only met my mom a couple times before she unexpectedly passed away due to addiction. As I’ve gotten older I’ve been able to be more forthcoming about why that was the case. Such a difficult situation. you’re not alone.

Anonymous wrote:My mom was very honest with us about why we didn’t see her mother. She kept it simple when we were young, but when we got to about middle school probably is when we heard more details. When my mom told stories of her childhood, she always called her mom by her first name. So she was never “grandma” to us. I think not having that family identifier helped because no one ever regretted not knowing our grandmother or wanted a relationship with her.

Do you have a relationship with your mother, pp? Some people in the peanut gallery love to tell us that cutting out our toxic parents means we will be cut out.

My mom was very honest with us about why we didn’t see her mother. She kept it simple when we were young, but when we got to about middle school probably is when we heard more details. When my mom told stories of her childhood, she always called her mom by her first name. So she was never “grandma” to us. I think not having that family identifier helped because no one ever regretted not knowing our grandmother or wanted a relationship with her.

To the poster who has not seen her mother since 16, how old are you now?

I haven't talked to my mother since I was 16. She met my husband once before we were married but she wasn't invited to our wedding and hasn't met our kids. I have pictures from when I was little and my kids have noticed in each picture with her I don't look happy, or Im smiling but my eyes are puffy like I had been crying. So it wasn't a big deal to tell them "She didn't keep me safe and make me feel loved and cared about." I also say how it's her loss to not have a relationship with them because they're such great grandkids, and how glad we all are that DH's parents are such awesome grandparents, etc.

My son is 7 and has never met my Mother. I went through this..grief, anguish, sadness. But you know what? My son doesn’t care. Other than a passing interest in kindergarten when they talked about families in school, he’s never cared. You don’t miss what you’ve never had. I did try to make amends with my Mother, but she’s so mean and angry, this isn’t my fault. And it isn’t yours.

I’ve been where you are. It gets easier. Every time she reaches out or responds with venom, it gets easier.

I’m estranged from my father. I’ve always just told my kids he’s not a nice person and we don’t want him in our lives. Because I’ve said this from very early on, it’s just become a kind of fact of life along with “Aunt Sue gives huge hugs” and “Uncle Brian gets angry when he drinks too much.” When they’re much older I expect more questions, amd then we’ll have age-appropriate discussions that aren’t oversharing by me.

Yo uhave made a wise decision to keep yourself and your children away from them. When they are older, much, much, older be open to having a discussion with them about why that was. I'm sure they'll understand.

In the meantime find a grandma/mother figure within your community. Not the same situation but I live very far away from my family no local grandparents and have adopted some older women in my life or they have adopted me as mother/grandmother figures.

Hugs and good luck to you and your continued healing.

If kids ask - "We've had a lot of bad times in life and we just don't see each other anymore. But I have other family like X and Y that I love. They are parts of my life and your life. Aren't we lucky for that?!"

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. You've made a very wise decision...and as I'm sure your therapist tells you...self-doubt is normal. My kids are older and I'm in my 40s. My mother is the same. I waited too long before going no contact after my mother started becoming abusive to my children and tried to damage my relationship with them. What your doing is in the best interest of your children. At the end of the day, their interest is the most important.

What does your therapist advise you to tell them? This will be your kids' normal...so they probably won't ask for a while. I'd tell them not all families are the same. Not all are healthy. That your mom isn't healthy and didn't treat you well...so like you do when people don't respect you or treat you with kindness...you limit your time around them.

I am late 30s, my children are 5 and 1. I have not spoken to my mother in 7 years. Long story short, she is a narcissist, abusive (all forms) and bipolar. She has done some terrible, unforgivable things since I was a child, and therapy never helped. She has never acknowledged any of it, and has blamed everyone but herself for her life. I have done everything to try and have a healthy relationship with her with boundaries, but ultimately came to the realization once i was married that she is not going to change and I cannot keep torturing myself with trying to make things different. I have started thinking about my children and if/when they ask about her. I am not sure how to approach this, and am starting to feel a bit of guilt although I have absolutely no reason to. Has anyone gone through this, how did you get past it? I am and have been in therapy since i was 18.