I have older kids (11 & 14) and the rewarding part is here. They can handle DL and we hang out and watch movies at night. Not that it’s perfect, but I love it so much more than when they were little.

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering today when the whole "rewarding" part is supposed to kick in. My kids are little, 6 and 3, and it makes me feel subhuman to say they're so annoying...but it's true. I hate myself and feel like a horrible mom. And they aren't terrible kids, just run-of-the-mill needy, dramatic, demanding, disrespectful. I'm just so over it.

Ha ha. I sometimes think the rewarding part was when they were so little and sweet and adored me all of the time. But they still say super sweet things. I email those to my DH so we have a long thread of them, and a good record of when they said what. The other day one of my kids said "Mom, I love you too much." I asked him what that meant and he said "I love you so much I can't explain it." I'll be hanging on to that for a while...

Anonymous wrote:There are times when you need to be the heavy parent, just like in the pre-"positive parenting" era.

I have never tolerated whining in my kids, because for me it's like nails on a chalkboard. They stopped when I yelled at them furiously in the scariest voice I could muster. It only took one time, and when I heard incipient signs of whining after that, all I had to do was bend down menacingly and threaten them. One of my kids was very clingy (and still is), but I instituted a period of quiet time, first in her crib, then out of it, at lunch time so I could have some time to myself for an hour.

I relax rules on many things, but behavior is not one of them. When I tell them to do something, they do it.

I used to yell. Post partum anxiety or depression or bad coping skills on my part or frustration with other things beyond my control, or some combination of the above. For me yelling wasn't effective (just upset the kids more and they got louder the louder I got) or healthy (for me and my situation). I haven't yelled in 2 years I'm am damn proud of myself. Instead I withdraw emotionally (and sometimes I physically leave when I can't handle it anymore). I'm sure someone can tell me why this is going to scar my kids, but I'm not yelling and for me that is progress. But I get that everyone and every family is different. Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering today when the whole "rewarding" part is supposed to kick in. My kids are little, 6 and 3, and it makes me feel subhuman to say they're so annoying...but it's true. I hate myself and feel like a horrible mom. And they aren't terrible kids, just run-of-the-mill needy, dramatic, demanding, disrespectful. I'm just so over it.

Same. One of the only things keeping me going is that I was able to get my 3 year old into a a five-day a week day-camp for the summer. She's supposed to be in PK this year but it's been via DL (which is a joke) and there are not spots available in any of the private PKs near us. When I'm at the end of my rope, I figure out how many days until June when she'll be in camp. It's still so far away, but gets closer everyday and can take the edge off a bit when I'm just done.

I used to enjoy time with my kid but that gets so hard when we are together all day long, especially this time a year when we have to limit outdoor time for weather and there is nowhere else to go (I miss museums and libraries and children's sections at bookstores so, so much). Lately the best I can do is assign every day an activity and just run with it the best I can. We have a day where we build a fort. A day where she comes to the grocery store with me and helps me do meal prep. A day where we do drive-through French fries after the playground as a treat. Etc. Last fall I was doing all these PK activities and making much more elaborate efforts. But I have to work, too, and at this point I'm just so run into the ground that I'm just looking for coping strategies, for her and for me.

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering today when the whole "rewarding" part is supposed to kick in. My kids are little, 6 and 3, and it makes me feel subhuman to say they're so annoying...but it's true. I hate myself and feel like a horrible mom. And they aren't terrible kids, just run-of-the-mill needy, dramatic, demanding, disrespectful. I'm just so over it.

The “rewarding” part is a myth perpetuated by other parents to justify their life choices to themselves. When our kids are grown, we will do it too, partly because we will want grandchildren, and partly because we don’t want our kids to know how much they sucked and feel bad about themselves.

Don’t feel bad.

I was just wondering today when the whole "rewarding" part is supposed to kick in. My kids are little, 6 and 3, and it makes me feel subhuman to say they're so annoying...but it's true. I hate myself and feel like a horrible mom. And they aren't terrible kids, just run-of-the-mill needy, dramatic, demanding, disrespectful. I'm just so over it.

Anonymous wrote:There are times when you need to be the heavy parent, just like in the pre-"positive parenting" era.

I have never tolerated whining in my kids, because for me it's like nails on a chalkboard. They stopped when I yelled at them furiously in the scariest voice I could muster. It only took one time, and when I heard incipient signs of whining after that, all I had to do was bend down menacingly and threaten them. One of my kids was very clingy (and still is), but I instituted a period of quiet time, first in her crib, then out of it, at lunch time so I could have some time to myself for an hour.

I relax rules on many things, but behavior is not one of them. When I tell them to do something, they do it.

This is... not good.

Anonymous wrote:There are times when you need to be the heavy parent, just like in the pre-"positive parenting" era.

I have never tolerated whining in my kids, because for me it's like nails on a chalkboard. They stopped when I yelled at them furiously in the scariest voice I could muster. It only took one time, and when I heard incipient signs of whining after that, all I had to do was bend down menacingly and threaten them. One of my kids was very clingy (and still is), but I instituted a period of quiet time, first in her crib, then out of it, at lunch time so I could have some time to myself for an hour.

I relax rules on many things, but behavior is not one of them. When I tell them to do something, they do it.

Ok, abuser.

Anonymous wrote:There are times when you need to be the heavy parent, just like in the pre-"positive parenting" era.

I have never tolerated whining in my kids, because for me it's like nails on a chalkboard. They stopped when I yelled at them furiously in the scariest voice I could muster. It only took one time, and when I heard incipient signs of whining after that, all I had to do was bend down menacingly and threaten them. One of my kids was very clingy (and still is), but I instituted a period of quiet time, first in her crib, then out of it, at lunch time so I could have some time to myself for an hour.

I relax rules on many things, but behavior is not one of them. When I tell them to do something, they do it.

Sigh. I'm not the OP, but no one solution works on any given kid. Trust me, I have a kid who I could have screamed at for hours every day for weeks and it would not have changed his behavior.

OP, I feel for you. My kids are older, so I'm not living this set of problems. I watched this video yesterday which I felt had some helpful pointers to address parental burnout. You absolutely need to find a way to carve out some time for yourself.

https://www.mcleanhospital.org/video/frazzled-families-and-overcoming-parental-burnout

There are times when you need to be the heavy parent, just like in the pre-"positive parenting" era.

I have never tolerated whining in my kids, because for me it's like nails on a chalkboard. They stopped when I yelled at them furiously in the scariest voice I could muster. It only took one time, and when I heard incipient signs of whining after that, all I had to do was bend down menacingly and threaten them. One of my kids was very clingy (and still is), but I instituted a period of quiet time, first in her crib, then out of it, at lunch time so I could have some time to myself for an hour.

I relax rules on many things, but behavior is not one of them. When I tell them to do something, they do it.

Just chiming in to say that I have seriously considered napping in my walk in closet. No one ever looks in there.

Yup, right there with you. My DD is at the stage where it’s near impossible to get a break unless DH can take over. She just wants constant high level attention and can sense when I’m not feeling it and gets extra clingy. I’m hoping the phase doesn’t last long but it’s killing me. February/winter/Covid/DL can all shove it. So sick of all of this. I want a week by a pool with a pile of romance novels and a personal waiter. It’s not happening even when Covid is over but a girl can dream.

Everyday

There's a happy medium: you go up to your room for an hour or two after lunch versus checking out all day. Build so,e breaks into your routine.

Just feeling really done, like nothing I do makes the least bit of difference. Kids whine or have tantrums when its time to play outside, or when its time to get dressed, when its time to eat, when its time to do online school, when they want me to read or play with them, when I stop reading or playing to make them lunch. I think tomorrow I'm going to have lunch and snacks prepped, and then spend my day in my room, door locked, won't come out unless someone is hurt.