Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree that you should leave it alone, but I would urge you to continue to keep the lines of communication open in a kind, nonjudgmental way. As someone who has been in your sister's shoes . . . she may be feeling defensive, defeated, depressed or some combination of the above. She may not want to talk about it because she is afraid of being judged, as in "Well what did you expect adopting a TODDLER from that kind of background?" She is probably also scared about what she and her family will be facing when your niece hits puberty and the teenage years. She may be feeling guilty about what effect the adoption has had on her other children. If you can swing it, offer to take your niece out alone (without exposing your kids to her behavior) to give your sister a break. It is very lonely to be in your sister's position---she needs all the love and support you can give her.

How did you handle Interaction with other children? Did you always supervise?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My sister and her DH went into this very naively and would not take any advice from other people we knew who had adopted either internationally or within the US with children who had special circumstances. This is attitude has carried over into my nieces care and upbringing in the sense that they will do everything to make it appear that she is emotionally and physically ok, despite a diagnosis and glaring signs.

I’ve had to pull away to protect my kids and they miss their 2 other cousins terribly. My niece had always been manipulative and unremorseful. I work with children how have been abused know that what she threatened my children with in our last visit was indicative of her past Abuse or potential to do it to someone else, potentially sexually. I can’t take this lightly.

However I don’t know how to talk to my sister about any of this without completely destroying our relationship. She knows we’re pulling away already but her defensiveness is a concern. How can I approach this?

My friend has an adopted son from overseas and he was officially diagnosed with RAD but she was still unable to accept it. As the years passed and his behavior became more dangerous, she would shuffle him around to different schools because he is very charming at first to strangers but once the school caught on and kids were getting hurt they would always ask her to move him to another school. Unfortunately, the answer to your question about how to approach this is exactly what you already know it to be- you can't engage with your niece on anything more than a very superficial level and you must keep your children away from her. Sorry.

Anonymous wrote:Why in the word did your sister do this to herself?

and to her other kids...

You need to let this go and move on. You are clear she's not interested in dealing with it and the more you push the more it will make things worse. Your priority is to protect your kids. You either cut off the relationship or heavily supervise the kids so it never gets to the point of being physical. If it gets close, you take your kids and leave.

OP, what are your goals for this counseling? Are you looking to change your own perspective and behavior, or your sister’s?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My sister and her DH went into this very naively and would not take any advice from other people we knew who had adopted either internationally or within the US with children who had special circumstances. This is attitude has carried over into my nieces care and upbringing in the sense that they will do everything to make it appear that she is emotionally and physically ok, despite a diagnosis and glaring signs.

I’ve had to pull away to protect my kids and they miss their 2 other cousins terribly. My niece had always been manipulative and unremorseful. I work with children how have been abused know that what she threatened my children with in our last visit was indicative of her past Abuse or potential to do it to someone else, potentially sexually. I can’t take this lightly.

However I don’t know how to talk to my sister about any of this without completely destroying our relationship. She knows we’re pulling away already but her defensiveness is a concern. How can I approach this?

It's hard to tell what you are trying to approach. You clearly don't think that your sister and her husband are good parents to their daughter and you want them to do something different. You should just leave that alone. It's not your business. As for the relationship, if you can't figure out how to spend time with them without your kids being harmed, then don't. You could try supervising closer when you visit, but, if that isn't enough, then there isn't much else to do.

OP here. My sister and her DH went into this very naively and would not take any advice from other people we knew who had adopted either internationally or within the US with children who had special circumstances. This is attitude has carried over into my nieces care and upbringing in the sense that they will do everything to make it appear that she is emotionally and physically ok, despite a diagnosis and glaring signs.

I’ve had to pull away to protect my kids and they miss their 2 other cousins terribly. My niece had always been manipulative and unremorseful. I work with children how have been abused know that what she threatened my children with in our last visit was indicative of her past Abuse or potential to do it to someone else, potentially sexually. I can’t take this lightly.

However I don’t know how to talk to my sister about any of this without completely destroying our relationship. She knows we’re pulling away already but her defensiveness is a concern. How can I approach this?

Why in the word did your sister do this to herself?

OP, I agree that you should leave it alone, but I would urge you to continue to keep the lines of communication open in a kind, nonjudgmental way. As someone who has been in your sister's shoes . . . she may be feeling defensive, defeated, depressed or some combination of the above. She may not want to talk about it because she is afraid of being judged, as in "Well what did you expect adopting a TODDLER from that kind of background?" She is probably also scared about what she and her family will be facing when your niece hits puberty and the teenage years. She may be feeling guilty about what effect the adoption has had on her other children. If you can swing it, offer to take your niece out alone (without exposing your kids to her behavior) to give your sister a break. It is very lonely to be in your sister's position---she needs all the love and support you can give her.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone for the advice. My niece was diagnosed with RAD about 3 years ago and her mother used opioids while she was pregnant. It’s been difficult to get my sister to talk about this and she tends to get very angry when others bring it up so I don’t know the extent of it all.

Leave it alone. If she doesn't want to talk about it respect her wishes. Its perfectly ok that you not bring your kids around your niece if she's violent.

OP here. Thank you everyone for the advice. My niece was diagnosed with RAD about 3 years ago and her mother used opioids while she was pregnant. It’s been difficult to get my sister to talk about this and she tends to get very angry when others bring it up so I don’t know the extent of it all.

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone investigated the possibility that your niece may have fetal alcohol exposure? In my experience with older child adoption (i.e., adoption of a child who is not an infant), people are very quick to label behaviors as stemming from reactive attachment disorder when they actually stem from the way prenatal alcohol can affect the brain. FASD is a medical condition. When we started understanding and treating our son from that perspective, his behaviors improved. (getting the right medications helped as well).

Has the child been diagnosed with RAD or are you diagnosing the child? RAD means the child cannot form attachments to the primary caregivers so that isn't about the child being rough or violent with your child and could be something else. It could be FAS or drug exposure or was abused in the early years.

However, while this poster is right to get a better diagnosis and treatment, your sister knows this and don't offer suggestions except if they ask.

If you are looking for yourself, maybe talk to CASE but we didn't have good experience with them.

Has anyone investigated the possibility that your niece may have fetal alcohol exposure? In my experience with older child adoption (i.e., adoption of a child who is not an infant), people are very quick to label behaviors as stemming from reactive attachment disorder when they actually stem from the way prenatal alcohol can affect the brain. FASD is a medical condition. When we started understanding and treating our son from that perspective, his behaviors improved. (getting the right medications helped as well).

Would you consider teletherapy with providers who probably don't take insurance and are not in this area but are amazing with these issues? I have a child with serious attachment and abandonment issues and had to go out of this area to find treatment.

From a parent who has dealt with this, please don't judge her parents' reactions. There are so few resources and it is a hard and scary road to travel. Those of us in this situation do the best that we can. Sometimes there is denial and sometimes what looks like denial is just us trying to figure out what it is that we're seeing so we can figure out the next steps. Also, probably what you are seeing is the tip of the iceberg and maybe home life is worse.

As much as I hate to say this, it will probably get worse until their daughter is ready for treatment and she will probably require really intense treatment. But, in the meantime, if you can figure out a way for your families to be safe around each other and for you to help your kids understand that it isn't personal, your sister will probably really appreciate you. Kids aren't that judgmental most of the time, so that part might be pretty easy. And, it's a lonely road so if you can, stay with your sister.

Long story by my sister adopted a little girl at 3 after she was abandoned by her drug addicted parents. This little girl who is now almost 9 went from being very withdrawn to demanding and extremely manipulative. Without getting into specifics her disturbing behavior has increased so much over the last 2 years that I can no longer bring my children near her because she had hurt them and continues to threaten them with violence. It’s been a difficult decision to keep my children away because my sister are very close as are her other kids with mine. My sister and her husband are smart and understand RAD, but get very defensive of their daughter when incidences arise between our children.

I really want to continue to have a relationship with my sister but this is really coming between us. I would like to talk to a therapist with experience with children with RAD and the family dynamics that are involved. Can anyone please provide some insights or therapists in the DC area?