Anonymous wrote:So true, OP. except sometimes poisonous people get married into your family and that is hard to see. my absolute bitch of a SIL just lost her dad and brother within one month in 2020. i should have felt bad but i felt nothing. it was interesting for me to realize i have kept so much distance from her all my life that i could feel nothing. even though her brother and dad were good people and embarrassed about how she used to behave. my brother talks to us when she is not around. its his cross to bear not mine.

This post speaks more about you and your character than your SIL’s. It’s not a good look.

I absolutely agreed. She is my brother's problem, not mine.

My SIL is one of the most unhappy, nastiest, awful women I have ever met. Believe me, I want absolutely nothing to do with her. But she is so cruel to my little nephew. She regularly says in front of him (he is 9) that the worst day of her life was the day he was born. She is a professor and is very invested in her identity as an academic, so talks about her child viciously in front of him when he wants to do normal kid things like play sports instead of taking extra academic classes for fun ("I can't believe I would ever give birth to a stupid jock.")

She tried to isolate my brother and son from our family, but my brother (who is the primary wage-earner) found a job that required him to move near us. He was open to us about how he can't divorce her at this point to protect his son, and he moved back near family so his son can get the love he deserves from extended family.

So I endure her insults, her cruelty, etc. (I gray rock, which drives her nuts, so she lashes out more.) All of us in the extended family do, because we are all united in trying to protect her sweet and vulnerable little son. He doesn't deserve that horrific woman as his mother. But he has her, and so all we can do is try to protect him.

Anonymous wrote:PREACH ON. If ONLY people understood this, relationships would be so so much better between husbands and wives and in-laws!

I agree.

I’m nearing my 15 year anniversary and I am also done. I tried and tried but realized it wasn’t really about me. It was about them and their family dynamics. Now I make him deliver all news, bad or good and all decisions. I don’t get involved besides being a moral support and someone that he can bounce ideas off of.

It has been incredibly freeing. I am learned to be ok with not being their “good” list but I guess it was a farce from the beginning. Just took me a long time to realize.

SIL

One told us the day after we got engaged that we should not and that I was not good enough for her darling brother. Wrong side of the tracks according to her. The other one basically the same.

40 years later still married. Never ever said a bad word about either of them. That is key in my mind. Not worth the breathe.

After 15 years of marriage told husband it was his turn to deal with his family. He cut them off day one. And then,,,,,

Fast forward to now. One is dying of Alcoholism the other is still annoying, but we never see her and only deal with her because the other one needs help.

PREACH ON. If ONLY people understood this, relationships would be so so much better between husbands and wives and in-laws!

So true, OP. except sometimes poisonous people get married into your family and that is hard to see. my absolute bitch of a SIL just lost her dad and brother within one month in 2020. i should have felt bad but i felt nothing. it was interesting for me to realize i have kept so much distance from her all my life that i could feel nothing. even though her brother and dad were good people and embarrassed about how she used to behave. my brother talks to us when she is not around. its his cross to bear not mine.

Amen sister!

Anonymous wrote:true, except for when my brother tries to claim that his sisters should pay proportionally more for supporting aged parents because they have working spouses, whereas all the SILs are SAHMs so they pay less. then it IS my business.

Yeah, your business with your brother. No one else.

true, except for when my brother tries to claim that his sisters should pay proportionally more for supporting aged parents because they have working spouses, whereas all the SILs are SAHMs so they pay less. then it IS my business.

I don’t think enough women realize that, indeed, a man choosing to go along with whatever his wife wants to do is his choice. And he bears full responsibility for his own decisions.

Blunt but true.

Oh my.

Why and whether your brother married her is...not your business.

Whether decisions they make as a couple (and yes, him going along with her wishes IS HIS DECISION), such as how much time to spend with your family/where the spend holidays...not your business.

Her social media habits and privacy settings...not your business.

How THEY choose to raise THEIR children (and yes, him going along with her wishes IS HIS DECISION...not your business, unless they are abusing or neglecting their kids.

Your mother's relationship or lack thereof with your brother and his wife...not your business.

What gifts, cards, calls or occasion/holiday gifts YOUR BROTHER chooses to send to his family, or not...not your business, and literally not your SIL's responsibility, at all.

Your SIL's choice in career (or no career), or any other aspect of her life choices...not your business.

Stay in your lane.

That's all.