Anonymous
12/23/2020 13:49
Subject: Re:Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
In time it will all fade away.
Anonymous
12/23/2020 13:26
Subject: Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
Maybe he was gay.
Anonymous
12/23/2020 13:11
Subject: Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
OP, many people have crushes which can last a lifetime. There are countless stories, songs, and poems about "ships that cross in the night" and "what might have been."
The difference in your case is you are still maintaining contact with him. Who initiates that - you? If you do, stop it.
The best place for an old crush is in your memory. If you can't manage that, you are irrationally obsessed with this man and you might indeed want to find a professional to talk it through.
Oh, and by the way, your DH (like most people) probably has an old crush he thinks about too.
The difference in your case is you are still maintaining contact with him. Who initiates that - you? If you do, stop it.
The best place for an old crush is in your memory. If you can't manage that, you are irrationally obsessed with this man and you might indeed want to find a professional to talk it through.
Oh, and by the way, your DH (like most people) probably has an old crush he thinks about too.
Anonymous
12/23/2020 12:09
Subject: Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ok, thanks everyone; this has been helpful. —OP
Until the next time you need to post this story?
Time to get over yourself. This story in a world of 7 billion is a grain of sand.
?? DP but obviously something struck a nerve with you. Nothing in OP’s post merits a hostile reaction.
Anonymous
12/23/2020 10:26
Subject: Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you projected a lot of feelings onto him because he told you something "interesting" about himself, which caused you to crush on him. That's what a crush is. One glimpse of something in someone ramps up a bunch of fantasy feelings when you really don't know the person at all. The crush gives you a zing and takes you out of the depression and meaninglessness of everyday life. That's why crushes can be fun but why they also are not at all realistic or real.
This. And it sounds like he was fond of you in some ways- maybe or maybe not romantically. Who knows. But be thankful he had the kindness and maturity to not use you and let you blow up your life.
Right? What a great person!
Anonymous
12/23/2020 10:22
Subject: Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
Anonymous wrote:Ok, thanks everyone; this has been helpful. —OP
Until the next time you need to post this story?
Time to get over yourself. This story in a world of 7 billion is a grain of sand.
Anonymous
12/23/2020 10:18
Subject: Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
Ok, thanks everyone; this has been helpful. —OP
Anonymous
12/23/2020 09:58
Subject: Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you projected a lot of feelings onto him because he told you something "interesting" about himself, which caused you to crush on him. That's what a crush is. One glimpse of something in someone ramps up a bunch of fantasy feelings when you really don't know the person at all. The crush gives you a zing and takes you out of the depression and meaninglessness of everyday life. That's why crushes can be fun but why they also are not at all realistic or real.
This. And it sounds like he was fond of you in some ways- maybe or maybe not romantically. Who knows. But be thankful he had the kindness and maturity to not use you and let you blow up your life.
Anonymous
12/23/2020 09:39
Subject: Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
Anonymous wrote:I was newly married, about 30, when I started working for an organization. He had worked there for many years and was older, seemingly single, maybe 50-55. We didn’t work directly together, but saw each other every day. I didn’t take any particular notice of him, other than a colleague I politely chatted with, for about a year, until we were sitting next to each other at an event and he off-handedly told me something about himself that was really unusual and interesting. Over the next year I paid more attention to him, and noticed that he was funny in the gentle way that I like, very good at his job (although too dedicated to it, it seemed to me), and very smart and kind, good listener blah blah. DH was working long hours. I started staying later and talking to him (he stayed late at work almost every night), sometimes crush and I went out to dinner and had a really good time, kind of in an intimate date sort of timbre, or at least, that’s how it felt to me. At that time, job stress was getting to me and I started drinking a lot at home. I pursued him obliquely and maybe not-so-obliquely. I would invite him to things and he would say yes and then cancel the day before; he was often saying “rain check.” He came in on weekends, lived alone, told me about a brief romance with a woman he had had many years before. I know he liked me at least as a friend; he once said, “there’s a lot of people who love you here [at our company],” and gave me a book he’d inscribed “Love to [my name].” It seemed like most of his friends were centered around his work, and he frequently went out to dinner with men and women and in groups. I felt like I was one of the many colleagues he liked and got along with; he never seemed to track onto me.
Eventually I realized I needed to get sober and focused on that. I tried to get closer to DH and our relationship did get better. I took a new job within the company and moved to a different floor; was focused on succeeding at that. I left the company about a year later. DH and I still together and have 2 young kids. Crush and I are in occasional email contact.
I read the Christie Smythe Martin Shkreli story in Elle and then a Twitter commentary on it, saying maybe CS was attracted to MS b/c she wanted to “blow her life up.” I wonder if that’s what I was doing when I was really into him? DH and I are opposites, opposite fields of work. My crush was someone who was like me, who was a much better listener than DH. He said once something to the effect of, it’s crazy how much our instincts are the same. I really feel like I would have left DH for him if he responded to my overtures, even though my family would have flipped out about the age difference and giving up a great man in my DH.
I guess in my Covid boredom and malaise, I’m thinking back to him and letting the crush flare in my heart a little bit. I keep wondering, why was he not into me? He had his own rich inner world and didn’t need me. He was uncommonly dedicated to his job. I was attractive and talented and just...in love with him. If I had been unattached when I started working there, would that have made a difference? What’s the deal with guys who are single and never married in their 50s? Did he have a type and I wasn’t it? He was really, really into his work and colleagues who did work with him directly told me that he could be very demanding/perfectionist and once reduced a member of his staff to tears. I never saw that side of him. I think if we had gotten together, I would have been frustrated at being a distant #2 to his work.
I know it was wrong and against my vows w/ DH. It’s not something I would act on now given that I have kids, just a private compartment in my heart. I can’t talk to anyone about it. I should probably get a therapist, but in the meantime, DCUM will do if you have any (kind) insight.
You weren't in love with him. You didn't even know him. He is a fantasy and a fill for whatever was/is missing in your life - you attributed traits to him that you don't even know he truly has in his personal life (because many of us have a "work personality" that doesn't apply to our daily lives).
Figure out what's missing in your life and your marriage. This "crush" is not the answer. I don't think it matters why he wasn't interested - maybe you just weren't his type.
Anonymous
12/23/2020 09:34
Subject: Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
OP you've posted this before, repeatedly.
Time to move on and stop boring us with your story, again.
Time to move on and stop boring us with your story, again.
Anonymous
12/23/2020 09:08
Subject: Re:Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
OP, research limerance. The fact that you would have blown up your marriage for someone you really did not know (so much of what you say about him is projection) is not good. That you don’t look back on that time with a little horror and shame reflects that you have not really identified your issues surrounding that whole relationship. I feel so sorry for your DH, who really shouldn’t be competing in your head with a middle-aged guy who isn’t interested in you and who DH probably doesn’t know exists. You really do need therapy so that you aren’t vulnerable to the next guy who becomes your limerant.
Anonymous
12/23/2020 06:41
Subject: Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
It sounds like you projected a lot of feelings onto him because he told you something "interesting" about himself, which caused you to crush on him. That's what a crush is. One glimpse of something in someone ramps up a bunch of fantasy feelings when you really don't know the person at all. The crush gives you a zing and takes you out of the depression and meaninglessness of everyday life. That's why crushes can be fun but why they also are not at all realistic or real.
Anonymous
12/23/2020 06:36
Subject: Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
He built his life to be a certain way, which didn’t seem to include romantic intimacy. Perhaps he knew that about himself, after so many years of life and experience, and just wasn’t open to that kind of connection. I imagine if he wanted a relationship, or could sustain one, he would have a romantic history beyond the passing liaison from years ago that he spoke about - especially with so many friends and an active social life.
You were vulnerable, for whatever reason, and trying to fill a void. The rapport you had as close colleagues doesn’t necessarily translate to a good romantic partnership - in fact, the way you describe him, it’s very likely he would be a difficult partner...workaholic, perfectionist, perhaps hard to get close to his “rich inner world”, so you would be left wanting.
Perhaps you idealized him because he had traits you admired at a time you were vulnerable and struggling. Rather than focusing on HIM/what may have been going on with him, I would put that laser focus on yourself and consider what might have been going on with YOU at the time (and even now, as the crush is coming back up again). Maybe going through the process of understanding why you were/are vulnerable to/yearning for such a connection will demystify him and lessen the power of his presence in your mind.
You were vulnerable, for whatever reason, and trying to fill a void. The rapport you had as close colleagues doesn’t necessarily translate to a good romantic partnership - in fact, the way you describe him, it’s very likely he would be a difficult partner...workaholic, perfectionist, perhaps hard to get close to his “rich inner world”, so you would be left wanting.
Perhaps you idealized him because he had traits you admired at a time you were vulnerable and struggling. Rather than focusing on HIM/what may have been going on with him, I would put that laser focus on yourself and consider what might have been going on with YOU at the time (and even now, as the crush is coming back up again). Maybe going through the process of understanding why you were/are vulnerable to/yearning for such a connection will demystify him and lessen the power of his presence in your mind.
Anonymous
12/23/2020 00:01
Subject: Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
He probably wasn't into you because you're married. Good for him!! Let it go.
Anonymous
12/22/2020 22:18
Subject: Past unrequited crush, thoughts on
I was newly married, about 30, when I started working for an organization. He had worked there for many years and was older, seemingly single, maybe 50-55. We didn’t work directly together, but saw each other every day. I didn’t take any particular notice of him, other than a colleague I politely chatted with, for about a year, until we were sitting next to each other at an event and he off-handedly told me something about himself that was really unusual and interesting. Over the next year I paid more attention to him, and noticed that he was funny in the gentle way that I like, very good at his job (although too dedicated to it, it seemed to me), and very smart and kind, good listener blah blah. DH was working long hours. I started staying later and talking to him (he stayed late at work almost every night), sometimes crush and I went out to dinner and had a really good time, kind of in an intimate date sort of timbre, or at least, that’s how it felt to me. At that time, job stress was getting to me and I started drinking a lot at home. I pursued him obliquely and maybe not-so-obliquely. I would invite him to things and he would say yes and then cancel the day before; he was often saying “rain check.” He came in on weekends, lived alone, told me about a brief romance with a woman he had had many years before. I know he liked me at least as a friend; he once said, “there’s a lot of people who love you here [at our company],” and gave me a book he’d inscribed “Love to [my name].” It seemed like most of his friends were centered around his work, and he frequently went out to dinner with men and women and in groups. I felt like I was one of the many colleagues he liked and got along with; he never seemed to track onto me.
Eventually I realized I needed to get sober and focused on that. I tried to get closer to DH and our relationship did get better. I took a new job within the company and moved to a different floor; was focused on succeeding at that. I left the company about a year later. DH and I still together and have 2 young kids. Crush and I are in occasional email contact.
I read the Christie Smythe Martin Shkreli story in Elle and then a Twitter commentary on it, saying maybe CS was attracted to MS b/c she wanted to “blow her life up.” I wonder if that’s what I was doing when I was really into him? DH and I are opposites, opposite fields of work. My crush was someone who was like me, who was a much better listener than DH. He said once something to the effect of, it’s crazy how much our instincts are the same. I really feel like I would have left DH for him if he responded to my overtures, even though my family would have flipped out about the age difference and giving up a great man in my DH.
I guess in my Covid boredom and malaise, I’m thinking back to him and letting the crush flare in my heart a little bit. I keep wondering, why was he not into me? He had his own rich inner world and didn’t need me. He was uncommonly dedicated to his job. I was attractive and talented and just...in love with him. If I had been unattached when I started working there, would that have made a difference? What’s the deal with guys who are single and never married in their 50s? Did he have a type and I wasn’t it? He was really, really into his work and colleagues who did work with him directly told me that he could be very demanding/perfectionist and once reduced a member of his staff to tears. I never saw that side of him. I think if we had gotten together, I would have been frustrated at being a distant #2 to his work.
I know it was wrong and against my vows w/ DH. It’s not something I would act on now given that I have kids, just a private compartment in my heart. I can’t talk to anyone about it. I should probably get a therapist, but in the meantime, DCUM will do if you have any (kind) insight.
Eventually I realized I needed to get sober and focused on that. I tried to get closer to DH and our relationship did get better. I took a new job within the company and moved to a different floor; was focused on succeeding at that. I left the company about a year later. DH and I still together and have 2 young kids. Crush and I are in occasional email contact.
I read the Christie Smythe Martin Shkreli story in Elle and then a Twitter commentary on it, saying maybe CS was attracted to MS b/c she wanted to “blow her life up.” I wonder if that’s what I was doing when I was really into him? DH and I are opposites, opposite fields of work. My crush was someone who was like me, who was a much better listener than DH. He said once something to the effect of, it’s crazy how much our instincts are the same. I really feel like I would have left DH for him if he responded to my overtures, even though my family would have flipped out about the age difference and giving up a great man in my DH.
I guess in my Covid boredom and malaise, I’m thinking back to him and letting the crush flare in my heart a little bit. I keep wondering, why was he not into me? He had his own rich inner world and didn’t need me. He was uncommonly dedicated to his job. I was attractive and talented and just...in love with him. If I had been unattached when I started working there, would that have made a difference? What’s the deal with guys who are single and never married in their 50s? Did he have a type and I wasn’t it? He was really, really into his work and colleagues who did work with him directly told me that he could be very demanding/perfectionist and once reduced a member of his staff to tears. I never saw that side of him. I think if we had gotten together, I would have been frustrated at being a distant #2 to his work.
I know it was wrong and against my vows w/ DH. It’s not something I would act on now given that I have kids, just a private compartment in my heart. I can’t talk to anyone about it. I should probably get a therapist, but in the meantime, DCUM will do if you have any (kind) insight.