I was discussing this with SIL the other day because 22 year old niece is “exploring non-binary” which I think means she is wearing more masculine clothes, and she would be okay using they/them pronouns but is also okay with she/her.

I think one thing that is different these days, and a PP touched on it above, is the labels! When I was young (long long ago) and shopped largely in the mens department because I was self conscious about my body and wanted less revealing clothes, I just liked to wear those clothes. Now I think there’s a lot of drive or push to say that means something, to give it some significance, and with that comes a label. Or maybe the label comes first, I’m not sure.

The focus on labeling seems to be rampant in this culture. Who you are is how you identify, what box you check, what label you have.

My totally uneducated opinion is that kids always want to not just be accepted for who they are, but also validated and celebrated for who they are.

So, in a very open-minded, accepting, and loving community they have seen trans people accepted, celebrate and commended for their bravery.

They want that same validation and in some way, maybe they see that as the avenue to get it.

I'm not trying to diminish the courage it takes for trans people to open up and live their best life. But is it possible that straight cis kids want to be hugged and told that people love them just as they are? As straight and cisgendered, instead of just accepting that as the default

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a real distinction here, and should be, between how a PARENT responds and how anyone else responds.

I think your response has been fantastic. I think you're clearly doing an awesome, thoughtful job with a difficult subject. Of course a parent shouldn't just accept anything a minor child says at face value. "I'm a dinosaur." "I'm actually a boy." "I want major surgery." should NEVER been responded to with an "Oh, okay" from a thoughtful parent. And I don't think there is anyone, of any level of "wokeness" of a person who thinks that's the right answer (maybe if they're older 16+, but certainly not for a 12 year old!) It's your job to listen to your child, figure out what they need, help them, get them the support they need. Take them seriously. And it sounds like you've done that.

I think the issue is how other people respond. If your child has a friend who says "I'm non-binary, and I use they/them pronouns" you say "Okay! Thank you for letting me know!" and you use they/them pronouns. You don't start questioning them, or saying they're just being trendy, or judging them. It's 100% not your place, and you can REALLY make things a lot worse for kids who are struggling by taking this route. This is the place where this kind of wokeness is good "Oh, okay great, whatever works!"

Ack, sorry, I'm the PP and a typo ruined my whole thing! Fixed and bolded above.

I think there's a real distinction here, and should be, between how a PARENT responds and how anyone else responds.

I think your response has been fantastic. I think you're clearly doing an awesome, thoughtful job with a difficult subject. Of course a parent should just accept anything a minor child says at face value. "I'm a dinosaur." "I'm actually a boy." "I want major surgery." should NEVER been responded to with an "Oh, okay" from a thoughtful parent. And I don't think there is anyone, of any level of "wokeness" of a person who thinks that's the right answer (maybe if they're older 16+, but certainly not for a 12 year old!) It's your job to listen to your child, figure out what they need, help them, get them the support they need. Take them seriously. And it sounds like you've done that.

I think the issue is how other people respond. If your child has a friend who says "I'm non-binary, and I use they/them pronouns" you say "Okay! Thank you for letting me know!" and you use they/them pronouns. You don't start questioning them, or saying they're just being trendy, or judging them. It's 100% not your place, and you can REALLY make things a lot worse for kids who are struggling by taking this route. This is the place where this kind of wokeness is good "Oh, okay great, whatever works!"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much more public talk about rape and sexual harassment these days than there used to be. It's great for women (and girls) who were raped, but maybe it's scaring girls into not wanting to be girls to keep them safe.

It’s more that being a woman sucks overall compared to being a man and women are finally able be like, uh, this sucks. The solution is to make it suck less to be a woman, and especially suck less to be a woman who doesn’t care to present stereotypically feminine.

This.
Just developing large breasts suddenly will attract the wrong sort of scary attention from men. Some girls will react by temporarily not wanting to be feminine. Makes the whole transition less scary, and many girls who decide to be lgbt in high school and college eventually decide to be with men for various reasons, when they are through the scary stage of dealing with younger men.

I agree OP. I took a college course at a liberal university on psych of gender. What makes you trans is that you felt like you were born in the wrong body. You hate your body and it feels wrong. Not that you don’t like dresses or stereotypically feminine things. Lord most lesbians would be trans if it were simply gender. Trans mean you are the wrong SEX. Gender can be whatever. I mean, I’m into cars and sports and I never wear heels but it didn’t occur to me to become a male. I’m just a woman who didn’t subscribe to these superficial things. I also don’t think my son was born the wrong sex because he loves pink and is incredibly sensitive and loves horses. I think this witch hunt is ridiculous and I hope JK Rowling gets her apology.

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of a teen, I am seeing — what to call it? — a trend? A fad? A rash? of girls wanting to be known by male names and pronouns. I can’t say if they’re “transitioning” or not because I don’t really know the status of hormones or surgery or anything. But it’s happening quite suddenly. I am a “live and let live” type in general but I would be concerned if our generally welcoming community’s embrace of this will mean that girls make irreversible decisions based on momentary trends. I have seen absolutely no similar transitioning on the part of teen boys.

I remember being a less girly girl who was very uncomfortable with male attention. I solved it then by wearing short hair and non-revealing clothes. I’m concerned to see girls who think the only solution is a permanent gender change.

Girls are realizing how it sucks to be female. This is one way of gaining equality.

Anonymous wrote:There is so much more public talk about rape and sexual harassment these days than there used to be. It's great for women (and girls) who were raped, but maybe it's scaring girls into not wanting to be girls to keep them safe.

It’s more that being a woman sucks overall compared to being a man and women are finally able be like, uh, this sucks. The solution is to make it suck less to be a woman, and especially suck less to be a woman who doesn’t care to present stereotypically feminine.

The issues I find with your post is that you speak as if you are “sure” about things that you clearly don’t understand. It’s okay to just say I don’t understand.

Maybe the issue also is the book you posted is trash and has your brain in knots ... after being peer reviewed the author had to put a disclaimer on it.

You might get less backlash if you came from a place of learning instead of knowing. Also don’t talk about the book it makes you sound crazy.

Also, you are seeking a clear and definitive answer/solution. It doesn’t exist. Maybe a boy just likes to wear nail polish and now we think .., hmm what is his label and actually he’s just a boy who wears nail polish.

Your daughter is a girl biologically who does not follow female social norms and you want a label for that and a solution to fix it.

There is no problem, hence no solution.... if I was a she/they and my mom/society was trying to fix me I’d have anxiety and depression too.

There is not “explosion” of girls being trans, it’s just new to you.

Also men ogling women is disgusting ... she not liking it is not the problem.

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of a teen, I am seeing — what to call it? — a trend? A fad? A rash? of girls wanting to be known by male names and pronouns. I can’t say if they’re “transitioning” or not because I don’t really know the status of hormones or surgery or anything. But it’s happening quite suddenly. I am a “live and let live” type in general but I would be concerned if our generally welcoming community’s embrace of this will mean that girls make irreversible decisions based on momentary trends. I have seen absolutely no similar transitioning on the part of teen boys.

I remember being a less girly girl who was very uncomfortable with male attention. I solved it then by wearing short hair and non-revealing clothes. I’m concerned to see girls who think the only solution is a permanent gender change.

Totally agree. There are four girls in my daughter's class who have all started claiming to be trans or non-binary. The girls are also now all using language to describe all of this that is right out of a college course on gender studies. It feels very cultish and almost religious. Last year, three girls "came out as trans" within a few weeks. This is happening at ages 13-14. What's worse is that anyone who advises caution or to simply slow down is labeled "trans-phobic."

As a parent of a teen, I am seeing — what to call it? — a trend? A fad? A rash? of girls wanting to be known by male names and pronouns. I can’t say if they’re “transitioning” or not because I don’t really know the status of hormones or surgery or anything. But it’s happening quite suddenly. I am a “live and let live” type in general but I would be concerned if our generally welcoming community’s embrace of this will mean that girls make irreversible decisions based on momentary trends. I have seen absolutely no similar transitioning on the part of teen boys.

I remember being a less girly girl who was very uncomfortable with male attention. I solved it then by wearing short hair and non-revealing clothes. I’m concerned to see girls who think the only solution is a permanent gender change.

This post could have been written by a friend of mine from college. Thanks for your thoughtful reflections. I hope your child is safe and healthy and wish you all the best in navigating what's best for them. Also a lifelong LGBTQ ally & mom to a queer cisgendered child.

There is so much more public talk about rape and sexual harassment these days than there used to be. It's great for women (and girls) who were raped, but maybe it's scaring girls into not wanting to be girls to keep them safe.

OP here, one more thing: I found a therapist that does Tapping for trauma and anxiety, and after one session DD is already feeling less stressed and anxious.

I'm a lifelong liberal and LGBTQ ally (now 53) and I am so very saddened and disturbed at the backlash people receive for asking any sort of questions or simply questioning the rash of self outed trans teen girls now identifying as non binary or male.

Im not surprised that older trans adults are among the people questioning this new fast tracking of hormones and gender reassignment surgeries in TEENS.

I began a bit of this journey with my own daughter, who first came out as bi and then morphed over the next month into identifying as various forms of pansexual and ultimately settling on "non binary", gently asking for a binder and they/them pronouns.

After stating a hard no on the binder, I realized that with her comfort and sensory issues, she would not be wearing it. I decided maybe just having the option would alleviate her stress somewhat. Well, it did alleviate her stress and she barely wears it.

She herself has been consistent on a few things: she does not feel like she wants to be a boy, she does not want a penis, she does not want facial hair. She is not disturbed by her vagina. Its her breasts that bothered her the most. They appeared suddenly and more than her period heralded the end of her childhood. At one point recently she said she has decided against "top surgery" because it looks bad, and because she has plenty of time to decide on these things, etc. She has a best friend who is a trans boy who started out his friendship with her as a girl and is still biologically female.

All this time DD has been in therapy for anxiety and depression and I chose to be supportive of her feelings that short hair and pronouns might make her feel better. I chose to not to belittle her, tell her she is going through a phase for attention and so on. I chose not to overreact when the dangers seemed to not be so great due to her own reasoning process at play.

However, this entire time I have been talking to her about the sources of her feelings according to her, and by not hyperfocusing on the "solution" in conversation, she has opened up more and more about the problems. Here is what she has said:

1) She has always felt different from other girls. Not gender dysphoric. She just felt not like a girly girl (not surprising, since I also observed that and I didnt raise/dress her that way)
2) Unwanted looks from men have been a source of distress for her from which she never really recovered, and these looks were not all post puberty

There is much more, but that will make the post too long.

I just finished a book on this topic, and I urge ANY parent that before they go down the path of affirming their teen daughters sudden revelation of being trans to read it. I actually heard about it here on DCUM and I am so glad I read it as a counter to the unnervingly disingenuous "support" that would will find in the "affirm or else" policy of far too many therapists now.

Dont let fear of being labeled "transphobic" just for asking the obvious question "Is this really right for my daughter?" stop you from using your parental observation and experience to support your feelings that this needs to be looked at from ALL angles, and for a good while. Apparently this book was called "hateful" against trans persons by trans activists, and that is simply a lie. I read it and there is nothing in there that says being transgender is bad or not a real thing AT ALL. Among the trans adults she spoke to, who agree something is awry with this specific sudden onset dysphoria, she interviews a trans porn celebrity who agrees profoundly that there is something terribly wrong with this rapid hormone and surgery implementation.

My biggest problem with backlash on the topic is that it never seems to be about the questions being asked, but rather that ANYone is questioning ANY of it. Isn't questioning, openness and talking the foundation of all gay rights progress ever made???? Simply calling each other homos and homophobes isnt the foundation of social change or making anyones lives better. Simply calling people who question their own childs suddent trans status "transphobic" helps NO ONE, and esp. not the kids caught in the middle.

For gods sake, read the book and other things as well, AND watch some detransitioner videos on youtube, and make up your own mind about how ok this "supportive" approach is *as its currently practiced* with respect to fasttracking gender reassignment actually is.


https://www.amazon.com/Irreversible-Damage-Transgender-Seducing-Daughters-ebook/dp/B07YL6XK55