Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Donor sperm, heterosexual couple. We are not secretive about it. Mostly the kids don’t get it and that’s fine. Some family knows, some doesn’t, but we haven’t hidden it.

We kept our whole IF journey pretty private, so not all family knows, I’ve only told 2 friends, etc. At the time I wanted DC to know the story first, but I don’t feel as strongly about that anymore. I guess I was worried about acceptance, maybe? That is no longer a concern at all and now seems really silly. Thank you.

A lot of things I was worried about now seem like not a big deal at all. The kids are here and they are loved. We are moderately religious so that helps because we just say that God decides who becomes family.

I had my son via donor eggs 9 weeks ago, so I'm super new at this and don't have any real experience but I'm planning on using books to teach my son about his conception. I have the following on my list of books to buy:

Books by the Donor Conception Network
Happy Together
The Pea That Was Me
Robo-Babies

There is a fairly big community on Instagram of parents of donor conceived children that is very helpful and supportive. I recommend following @definingmum as a starting point.

Mom of twins, from donor eggs.

I started talking to them about it as soon as they were verbal. It was important for me to get used to talking about it in a way that celebrated how much they were wanted, without a whiff of sadness or shame.

I bring it up intentionally sometimes, just to make sure it's part of our family's story and not something dramatic or weird or a big secret.

As they've gotten older I've been more specific, or answered any questions they have. The level of detail I give, or full context, is evolving with their age. They turned 9 this year and I've started talking about how they have genetic half-siblings out there, and that the woman who donated her eggs is willing to be contacted by them when they turn 18.

I am the one who has issues with it, because of all the predictable/human stuff about feeling inadequate or ashamed, but I am determined that they will not have any of that baggage. So me being open about it since they were born has been critical to my ability to contextualize it for them.

Me being able to talk about it well also takes away the power of secrecy from anyone else who knew we used donor eggs. We have family members who I would never be able to trust with a big secret, so being able to talk about how we became parents means we don't have to dedicate time/energy/stress/emotion to keeping secrets.

It was hard for me in the beginning, but now it seems like an afterthought, almost trivial. I'm really glad we decided to be open, and that the kids are just growing up knowing about it. It was definitely the right decision for us- at least so far.

Pretty much the whole world knew we were doing IVF but only our parents, my sister and BIL know that we ended up using donor embryos. Kids will be told as soon as it is appropriate.

Anonymous wrote:Donor sperm, heterosexual couple. We are not secretive about it. Mostly the kids don’t get it and that’s fine. Some family knows, some doesn’t, but we haven’t hidden it.

We kept our whole IF journey pretty private, so not all family knows, I’ve only told 2 friends, etc. At the time I wanted DC to know the story first, but I don’t feel as strongly about that anymore. I guess I was worried about acceptance, maybe? That is no longer a concern at all and now seems really silly. Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:Donor sperm

Have been telling the story since birth. Just created a custom board book for now toddler telling the story of our family with eggs and seeds description.

A therapist advised that the telling early is really about the parent getting comfortable saying it. My goal is to be as comfortable and confident as I can be talking about dc having a donor - and hopefully give dc language to use to talk about our family.

I have accepted that DC will likely know more about where babies come from than peers and talk about it. Oh well... just part of the deal.

I’m not creative enough to do a board book, but I really should get around to doing a baby book before HS graduation. 🙃 I’m comfortable telling the story, but I know my DH has likely not brought it up. Thanks for the prod.

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the kid. My son is the blurter type. So if I don't make an effort to tell him not to blurt, he will. My friend's son is the complete opposite and is like Fort Knox. Both have the same medical condition but handle conversations about it very differently.

Thanks—my DC is somewhere in between. Random things I said months ago will spontaneously come up in conversation. I don’t want it to be a secret, but I would like her to somewhat understand, I guess?

Thank you for sharing.

Donor sperm, heterosexual couple. We are not secretive about it. Mostly the kids don’t get it and that’s fine. Some family knows, some doesn’t, but we haven’t hidden it.

Donor sperm

Have been telling the story since birth. Just created a custom board book for now toddler telling the story of our family with eggs and seeds description.

A therapist advised that the telling early is really about the parent getting comfortable saying it. My goal is to be as comfortable and confident as I can be talking about dc having a donor - and hopefully give dc language to use to talk about our family.

I have accepted that DC will likely know more about where babies come from than peers and talk about it. Oh well... just part of the deal.

Depends on the kid. My son is the blurter type. So if I don't make an effort to tell him not to blurt, he will. My friend's son is the complete opposite and is like Fort Knox. Both have the same medical condition but handle conversations about it very differently.

Donor egg/embryo/sperm—when/what age did you start sharing your story with your child(ren), family, friends, etc?

How did you do it? Real talk or using a book? If a book, which did you like?

For those with older donor-conceived children, what were your fears about telling and did they come true?

Anything else you’d like to share?


I’ve told DC1 the story a few times after reading the book about Pally & Comet trying to make a baby bunny. I have added on how we struggled to make her and that we had a lot of help. My fear is going too far with the story developmentally-wise. Was your kid interested for just a few days and then let it go? We’re they at Girl Scouts and blurted it out? How often did you talk about it and is there a point where you stopped initiating and just waited for them to remember?

Thank you and good luck to all the hopeful mamas-to-be in the fight for your families! Families come in all shapes and sizes and I wish you peace and grace as you ride the infertility wave of emotions.