Anonymous
12/14/2020 13:43
Subject: Re:I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have?
2 kids, 9 and 7
Anonymous
12/14/2020 13:43
Subject: Re:I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been there. To that place where after years and years of trying, to make our relationship work, of feeling like the only one in our marriage putting the effort into making it work, fighting, building up resentment, to finally getting to where I had given up. And it was only after getting to that place that my husband finally took notice and realized it was serious and required a difficult change within him to give our marriage a chance.
Honestly I didn't trust him to be able to make the change necessary to make it work. And I had so much resentment built up, from the hurt I've experienced over the years from him via neglect, ignoring everything about me, raging at me, being condescending toward me, mocking or criticizing my interests and beliefs, blaming me for his problems, refusing to engage in any kind of meaningful discussion beyond what he was interested in, and being generally unsupportive and discouraging of any endeavor I wanted to pursue. Every time he hurt me like that - it just kind of fractured our relationship more and more, and it's really hard to come back from that. I had put up a wall to protect myself - I stopped depending on him for any kind of emotional support or encouragement or participation in basic every day life stuff. Luckily I have solid good supportive friends. But it was extra hard during the pandemic not being able to see those friends in person.
Anyway we had a deep conversation - and he really reigned himself in from being defensive and he just listened, and I told him pretty much the above. And that the only way we have a chance was if I figure out a way to let go of this resentment I have toward him from all the hurt. And for him to stop doing all those things that were hurting me, and to make a conscientious effort to actually encourage me every day.
I don't have an answer for you, but we are working on it. I was skeptical but I can see that he's actually really trying and that for me, makes a world of a difference. And he really took everything I said to heart - as in he made an effort to understand what I was saying and absorb it. And he has not done that in all our years of marriage, so that was a big step. For him, for us. Good luck.
Thank you, and I'm sorry you had to go through this also. How long ago did you have that conversation with him? Do you find him reverting back to the "old ways"?
In the beginning of asking for therapy and everything I really wanted things to work out, now it is hard to see how I could feel love for him again without all this hurt clouding it.
Anonymous
12/14/2020 13:41
Subject: I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
I'd call it quits if there are no kids at home. I am like that and once I lose respect, I can't rekindle love. I've tried. I'm in that marriage now. My husband isn't to the point of agreeing to therapy. If he did, I would try because there are kids. If there weren't, I would have left a long time ago.
Anonymous
12/14/2020 13:41
Subject: Re:I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
So you never announced you wanted to separate or divorce or even had a leading conversation, but now you're mad he's trying to improve a marriage he still thinks is solid?
Anonymous
12/14/2020 13:38
Subject: Re:I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
How many kids do you have?
Anonymous
12/14/2020 13:36
Subject: Re:I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
OP, I've been there. To that place where after years and years of trying, to make our relationship work, of feeling like the only one in our marriage putting the effort into making it work, fighting, building up resentment, to finally getting to where I had given up. And it was only after getting to that place that my husband finally took notice and realized it was serious and required a difficult change within him to give our marriage a chance.
Honestly I didn't trust him to be able to make the change necessary to make it work. And I had so much resentment built up, from the hurt I've experienced over the years from him via neglect, ignoring everything about me, raging at me, being condescending toward me, mocking or criticizing my interests and beliefs, blaming me for his problems, refusing to engage in any kind of meaningful discussion beyond what he was interested in, and being generally unsupportive and discouraging of any endeavor I wanted to pursue. Every time he hurt me like that - it just kind of fractured our relationship more and more, and it's really hard to come back from that. I had put up a wall to protect myself - I stopped depending on him for any kind of emotional support or encouragement or participation in basic every day life stuff. Luckily I have solid good supportive friends. But it was extra hard during the pandemic not being able to see those friends in person.
Anyway we had a deep conversation - and he really reigned himself in from being defensive and he just listened, and I told him pretty much the above. And that the only way we have a chance was if I figure out a way to let go of this resentment I have toward him from all the hurt. And for him to stop doing all those things that were hurting me, and to make a conscientious effort to actually encourage me every day.
I don't have an answer for you, but we are working on it. I was skeptical but I can see that he's actually really trying and that for me, makes a world of a difference. And he really took everything I said to heart - as in he made an effort to understand what I was saying and absorb it. And he has not done that in all our years of marriage, so that was a big step. For him, for us. Good luck.
Honestly I didn't trust him to be able to make the change necessary to make it work. And I had so much resentment built up, from the hurt I've experienced over the years from him via neglect, ignoring everything about me, raging at me, being condescending toward me, mocking or criticizing my interests and beliefs, blaming me for his problems, refusing to engage in any kind of meaningful discussion beyond what he was interested in, and being generally unsupportive and discouraging of any endeavor I wanted to pursue. Every time he hurt me like that - it just kind of fractured our relationship more and more, and it's really hard to come back from that. I had put up a wall to protect myself - I stopped depending on him for any kind of emotional support or encouragement or participation in basic every day life stuff. Luckily I have solid good supportive friends. But it was extra hard during the pandemic not being able to see those friends in person.
Anyway we had a deep conversation - and he really reigned himself in from being defensive and he just listened, and I told him pretty much the above. And that the only way we have a chance was if I figure out a way to let go of this resentment I have toward him from all the hurt. And for him to stop doing all those things that were hurting me, and to make a conscientious effort to actually encourage me every day.
I don't have an answer for you, but we are working on it. I was skeptical but I can see that he's actually really trying and that for me, makes a world of a difference. And he really took everything I said to heart - as in he made an effort to understand what I was saying and absorb it. And he has not done that in all our years of marriage, so that was a big step. For him, for us. Good luck.
Anonymous
12/14/2020 13:02
Subject: Re:I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
Anonymous wrote:Did you cheat or did he? Is that how it got so bad?
Neither, at least I know I did not and I am pretty certain he did not.
From my perspective it got so bad because I spent most our marriage keeping a career of my own while doing all the household and parenting duties, asked for more help and more engagement from him and over time for therapy since nothing was changing, then we stopped spending time together at home, then in Feb he basically said he doesn't see an issue with 1) the division of duties, and 2) how little time we were spending together, and that 3) he has no intention of changing those things. After years of expressing these needs and asking for help and quality time and a partnership, I felt like there was no more I could do and I stopped. After some months of my giving up and interacting very minimally, he saw the proverbial light or what have you.
Anonymous
12/14/2020 12:53
Subject: Re:I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
Did you cheat or did he? Is that how it got so bad?
Anonymous
12/14/2020 12:31
Subject: I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
Anonymous wrote:I think this is incredibly common - one partner voices that they're unhappy and the other partner either doesn't realize how bad it is or doesn't care until it becomes clear that it's going to impact them negatively (divorce). By then the first partner is over it, and the second partner goes around telling people that the first partner refused to try.
I do sense this narrative building somewhat, especially he now feels he's finally "ready" to work on it in therapy and wasn't in a mindset for therapy before now. Though to be fair he does seem genuine about it. It just feels like too late for me.
Anonymous
12/14/2020 12:26
Subject: Re:I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
I also feel mildly offended/annoyed that even our therapy and working on the relationship ended up being on his terms.
Anonymous
12/14/2020 12:24
Subject: I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been in couples therapy for about 6 weeks. This came after issues over the years and me suggesting we go to therapy and his refusal, followed by months of being emotionally distant from one another, and a (pre-covid) dinner out earlier this year that made me realize our marriage is over. He pretty much explicitly said "I'm not going to change in this way." I felt he was consistently ignoring my partnership needs even after I would approach him over and over. After that dinner I more or less shut down from even trying to have a relationship with him. Then a few months ago he seemed to finally notice, and and consider that it's serious, and announced he wanted to go to therapy after all and work on things.
I have been confused about my feelings and struggling with whether I even want it to work out, and after some reflecting I realized this weekend it feels like I mourned the end of our marriage in the spring, and the damage is done -- and maybe that my feelings toward him romantically have permanently changed. I am trying to be open about it and consider how to get beyond all the hurt and resentment from the years past, but 1) I don't know how to genuinely let go of all that, 2) I don't know what I am expecting in return to signal that things are and will be different, and 3) I don't even know if I want to forgive and move on?
Anyone had this experience?
Is there a chance he was carrying on an emotional affair and it fizzled out? Or even a physical one? That's more difficult during COVID, but it's happened (ask me how I know).
Interesting viewpoint, and sorry you had to go through that. My gut tells me that no, there wasn't any of that. I think he was just self-absorbed of his own professional career, self-improvement, and felt defensive every time I would bring up our issues over the years.
He hit a professional bottom in May/June, took up meditation and has read a lot about being ego-driven and things like that, and seems to now realize he made mistakes with us. I do think he has changed somewhat in mindset but I just can't tell if my feelings are a wall we can bring down through therapy and time and work or if I can ever look at him the same again after feeling like I had to fall off an emotional cliff to get him to notice my needs. Before I was hurt so deeply by things he said and did/didn't do, which came to a head at our dinner in February, but now I feel more neutral about it which makes me think I'm just done.
Anonymous
12/14/2020 12:18
Subject: I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been in couples therapy for about 6 weeks. This came after issues over the years and me suggesting we go to therapy and his refusal, followed by months of being emotionally distant from one another, and a (pre-covid) dinner out earlier this year that made me realize our marriage is over. He pretty much explicitly said "I'm not going to change in this way." I felt he was consistently ignoring my partnership needs even after I would approach him over and over. After that dinner I more or less shut down from even trying to have a relationship with him. Then a few months ago he seemed to finally notice, and and consider that it's serious, and announced he wanted to go to therapy after all and work on things.
I have been confused about my feelings and struggling with whether I even want it to work out, and after some reflecting I realized this weekend it feels like I mourned the end of our marriage in the spring, and the damage is done -- and maybe that my feelings toward him romantically have permanently changed. I am trying to be open about it and consider how to get beyond all the hurt and resentment from the years past, but 1) I don't know how to genuinely let go of all that, 2) I don't know what I am expecting in return to signal that things are and will be different, and 3) I don't even know if I want to forgive and move on?
Anyone had this experience?
Is there a chance he was carrying on an emotional affair and it fizzled out? Or even a physical one? That's more difficult during COVID, but it's happened (ask me how I know).
NP. That's how I read it, too.
Anonymous
12/14/2020 12:16
Subject: I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been in couples therapy for about 6 weeks. This came after issues over the years and me suggesting we go to therapy and his refusal, followed by months of being emotionally distant from one another, and a (pre-covid) dinner out earlier this year that made me realize our marriage is over. He pretty much explicitly said "I'm not going to change in this way." I felt he was consistently ignoring my partnership needs even after I would approach him over and over. After that dinner I more or less shut down from even trying to have a relationship with him. Then a few months ago he seemed to finally notice, and and consider that it's serious, and announced he wanted to go to therapy after all and work on things.
I have been confused about my feelings and struggling with whether I even want it to work out, and after some reflecting I realized this weekend it feels like I mourned the end of our marriage in the spring, and the damage is done -- and maybe that my feelings toward him romantically have permanently changed. I am trying to be open about it and consider how to get beyond all the hurt and resentment from the years past, but 1) I don't know how to genuinely let go of all that, 2) I don't know what I am expecting in return to signal that things are and will be different, and 3) I don't even know if I want to forgive and move on?
Anyone had this experience?
Is there a chance he was carrying on an emotional affair and it fizzled out? Or even a physical one? That's more difficult during COVID, but it's happened (ask me how I know).
Anonymous
12/14/2020 12:15
Subject: I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
I think this is incredibly common - one partner voices that they're unhappy and the other partner either doesn't realize how bad it is or doesn't care until it becomes clear that it's going to impact them negatively (divorce). By then the first partner is over it, and the second partner goes around telling people that the first partner refused to try.
Anonymous
12/14/2020 12:13
Subject: I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it
DH and I have been in couples therapy for about 6 weeks. This came after issues over the years and me suggesting we go to therapy and his refusal, followed by months of being emotionally distant from one another, and a (pre-covid) dinner out earlier this year that made me realize our marriage is over. He pretty much explicitly said "I'm not going to change in this way." I felt he was consistently ignoring my partnership needs even after I would approach him over and over. After that dinner I more or less shut down from even trying to have a relationship with him. Then a few months ago he seemed to finally notice, and and consider that it's serious, and announced he wanted to go to therapy after all and work on things.
I have been confused about my feelings and struggling with whether I even want it to work out, and after some reflecting I realized this weekend it feels like I mourned the end of our marriage in the spring, and the damage is done -- and maybe that my feelings toward him romantically have permanently changed. I am trying to be open about it and consider how to get beyond all the hurt and resentment from the years past, but 1) I don't know how to genuinely let go of all that, 2) I don't know what I am expecting in return to signal that things are and will be different, and 3) I don't even know if I want to forgive and move on?
Anyone had this experience?
I have been confused about my feelings and struggling with whether I even want it to work out, and after some reflecting I realized this weekend it feels like I mourned the end of our marriage in the spring, and the damage is done -- and maybe that my feelings toward him romantically have permanently changed. I am trying to be open about it and consider how to get beyond all the hurt and resentment from the years past, but 1) I don't know how to genuinely let go of all that, 2) I don't know what I am expecting in return to signal that things are and will be different, and 3) I don't even know if I want to forgive and move on?
Anyone had this experience?