Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 19:36     Subject: "I have three kids"
Anonymous wrote:OP I have a mother like you. One who is pretty good a lot of the time and then emotionally abusive for bursts of time that make me sick with anxiety. I can read her mood in a single word, I'm so well trained to be on the lookout. I bet you had some niggling anxiety from the moment the package came that you needed to reach out to avoid an 'episode.'

I haven't cut off my mom either, but I do give her far less emotional real estate in my head. Know that these things aren't about you, that you don't actually have to listen to someone yell at you over the phone, and that she can't hurt you if you won't let her.

And sorry, it sucks to love someone like this, hating them and cutting them off is easier.


Wow, I could have written this. Mine has gotten worse with age, but every now and then she goes on antidepressants and it makes a world of difference....until she goes off them.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 16:45     Subject: "I have three kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why are you involved with her at all? If she doesn't live with you, why do you need to be an audience to her tantrum? Just ignore her.


Cutting people off isn't my style, and as odd as it sounds she's a good mother in many ways and the kids love her. She is extremely thin-skinned and extremely selfish, but those are issues between her and me that don't affect the kids. I'm just mad at her right now and thinking out loud about a better way to frame her bad behavior so as to limit its effect on me.


She isn't a very good mother if she has a habit of emotionally manipulating you


+1
Good mothers don't send their adult offspring to a message board complaining about wretched, childish behavior. While cutting her off altogether might be overly drastic, a blunt conversation might help.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 09:19     Subject: "I have three kids"
Anonymous wrote:This is what I'm telling myself this year to get myself through the holiday season. I actually have two; the third is my mother. She is throwing one of her usual tantrums the way she likes to around Christmas, refusing to return my texts and calls because she thinks I took too long to tell her we received her package of gifts for the kids. It's just such insane and stupid behavior. I used to feel so hurt and rejected by this kind of thing, but now I just tell myself that I have three kids: two who live with me, and a third who lives across the country (thank god).

Her narcissistic and selfish behavior is only my problem if I let it be. I don't feel hurt when one of my kids throws a tantrum; I shouldn't when my mother does either.


I think your response is perfect. Ignore the behavior, and let her reach out to you when she calms down. I agree that her actions are selfish and narcissistic, but the only way to deal with that is to cut her out of your life, and except under certain circumstances, that is extreme. For instance, the parent (my father) I don't have in my life, spent most of my childhood as a raging alcoholic who couldn't have told you which grade I was in at school, let alone had any concern for my well being. My mother (who is much like yours it sounds like)--I would never in a million years deny her access to her grandchildren. It's so cruel and she would have to be 100% toxic and untrustworthy for me to take that step.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 09:05     Subject: "I have three kids"
OP I have a mother like you. One who is pretty good a lot of the time and then emotionally abusive for bursts of time that make me sick with anxiety. I can read her mood in a single word, I'm so well trained to be on the lookout. I bet you had some niggling anxiety from the moment the package came that you needed to reach out to avoid an 'episode.'

I haven't cut off my mom either, but I do give her far less emotional real estate in my head. Know that these things aren't about you, that you don't actually have to listen to someone yell at you over the phone, and that she can't hurt you if you won't let her.

And sorry, it sucks to love someone like this, hating them and cutting them off is easier.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 08:50     Subject: "I have three kids"
Four hours??!! Your mother is nuts. I like your approach in framing her as a child throwing a tantrum. I agree with dropping the rope after one last text telling her that you get the feeling she wants some space and she should reach out to you when she wants to talk. Then focus on other things.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 08:17     Subject: "I have three kids"
Anonymous wrote:Ignore her doesn't have to mean cutting her off. You told her about the package, if she isn't replying now, just give her space and she will contact you when she is ready.

It is funny though that she was upset with you for not replying quicker to tell you that you had received her package.

You are now upset she isn't replying in a certain time to your texts or calls.

If it's ok for you to take your time without it being immature then its really ok for your mother to return your texts and calls whenever she wants as well. Think about it you are both upset over the same behaviour.

If you want to change this then tell her when you get the package, she was worried about it being delivered and had some anxiety about that.


I let her know within about four hours and she's been ignoring me for days. It's a crazily disproportionate response, and is intended to be. She thinks she's teaching me a lesson.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2020 18:46     Subject: "I have three kids"
Ignore her doesn't have to mean cutting her off. You told her about the package, if she isn't replying now, just give her space and she will contact you when she is ready.

It is funny though that she was upset with you for not replying quicker to tell you that you had received her package.

You are now upset she isn't replying in a certain time to your texts or calls.

If it's ok for you to take your time without it being immature then its really ok for your mother to return your texts and calls whenever she wants as well. Think about it you are both upset over the same behaviour.

If you want to change this then tell her when you get the package, she was worried about it being delivered and had some anxiety about that.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2020 18:37     Subject: "I have three kids"
Anonymous wrote:This is what I'm telling myself this year to get myself through the holiday season. I actually have two; the third is my mother. She is throwing one of her usual tantrums the way she likes to around Christmas, refusing to return my texts and calls because she thinks I took too long to tell her we received her package of gifts for the kids. It's just such insane and stupid behavior. I used to feel so hurt and rejected by this kind of thing, but now I just tell myself that I have three kids: two who live with me, and a third who lives across the country (thank god).

Her narcissistic and selfish behavior is only my problem if I let it be. I don't feel hurt when one of my kids throws a tantrum; I shouldn't when my mother does either.


How long did it take you to let her know you received her package of gifts?
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2020 18:32     Subject: "I have three kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why are you involved with her at all? If she doesn't live with you, why do you need to be an audience to her tantrum? Just ignore her.


Cutting people off isn't my style, and as odd as it sounds she's a good mother in many ways and the kids love her. She is extremely thin-skinned and extremely selfish, but those are issues between her and me that don't affect the kids. I'm just mad at her right now and thinking out loud about a better way to frame her bad behavior so as to limit its effect on me.


She isn't a very good mother if she has a habit of emotionally manipulating you
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2020 15:03     Subject: "I have three kids"
“You know what I tell myself when you act like this? That I have three kids. It helps me cope. I am dropping this particular rope now. Do you want to change the subject, or should I call another time?”
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2020 14:46     Subject: "I have three kids"
Anonymous wrote:Why are you involved with her at all? If she doesn't live with you, why do you need to be an audience to her tantrum? Just ignore her.


Cutting people off isn't my style, and as odd as it sounds she's a good mother in many ways and the kids love her. She is extremely thin-skinned and extremely selfish, but those are issues between her and me that don't affect the kids. I'm just mad at her right now and thinking out loud about a better way to frame her bad behavior so as to limit its effect on me.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2020 14:29     Subject: "I have three kids"
Why are you involved with her at all? If she doesn't live with you, why do you need to be an audience to her tantrum? Just ignore her.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2020 14:26     Subject: "I have three kids"
This is what I'm telling myself this year to get myself through the holiday season. I actually have two; the third is my mother. She is throwing one of her usual tantrums the way she likes to around Christmas, refusing to return my texts and calls because she thinks I took too long to tell her we received her package of gifts for the kids. It's just such insane and stupid behavior. I used to feel so hurt and rejected by this kind of thing, but now I just tell myself that I have three kids: two who live with me, and a third who lives across the country (thank god).

Her narcissistic and selfish behavior is only my problem if I let it be. I don't feel hurt when one of my kids throws a tantrum; I shouldn't when my mother does either.