I think people are being overly harsh to OP. Adult female friendships are a different weird beast then they have been my whole life. I feel like making friends with other moms or in a new place is almost like dating. And there are definitely 100% moments where people make a gesture that brings the friendship the the next level. Will we be friends that can text each other casually? Will we be friends that hang out alone and outside of a 'group' or social even structure (like are we happy hour friends or 'talk on the sideline of larla's soccer game' friends?). Are we vacationing together friends? Are we 'friendship will quickly dissolve if our children start to dislike each other' friends? Could we be COUPLE friends?

These are all like, different 'levels' that I feel like people are constantly feeling out. And it takes one or the other to propose a meeting or an event or something to move up. I had a colleague start texting me after work about shows she was watching. She took the first step there. And I was thrilled because I really wanted to be her friend! And then we became 'text about anything' friends, big step up the ladder! Conversely I have been on the other side when I suggest like, a coffee, and the woman pulls back and seems reluctant to commit to THAT level of relationship.

It takes effort to maintain and support friendships and people know when they're up against that limit and when to keep potential friends a little more at arm's lenght.

I do agree though that if you're super blunt about it, the only thing you accomplish is closing that door forever.

I was in a mom's group and thought I had some friendship potential with one mom. She responded to like, zero of my overtures and never reached out. So I got the message, she doesn't consider me BFF material, but she wasn't mean about it, and we're friendly when we see each other out. Both of us are leaving the door open for some time in the future when it might work out. IMO this is preferable to saying "I don't want to be friends with you" which is hurtful and will shut the door forever.

I like the I’m so busy right now stuff that PPs have suggested. The way of dealing with this that has felt worst on the receiving end is extremely long delays in responding to emails, texts or calls, or no response at all. I moved to a new city where a woman in my college group lives. She basically was slow to reply or ignored my communications early on. We weren’t that tight, but we are connected through the group and have kids similar ages so I was hoping to maybe socialize a bit to make the move easier. Now we have a group text with a bigger group and she’s very responsive on that. So, it wasn’t her m.o. to be unresponsive; it was personal. I’m not sure what I would have preferred, but I think actually some statement of utter business would have been better than the semi-ghosting. I’ve known her for 20 years. We’ve never been that close, but I would have been welcoming in the reverse situation.

What is happening to our societ, that anybody thinks a normal reaction to an invitation of overture of friendship is to indicate in any way that you have plenty of friends so thanks but no thanks. This is not normal. I do think there is an overabundance of people in DC with the horrible combination of socially awkward with very self-important. No, you politely decline until they move on. Or, even better, give people a chance. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is that important that they can't just be kind.

Now I want to know what the other thread was. Missed it.

I am an open and friendly person. I like people, and I always have a large group of friends. I know a lot of people that I would like to be better friends with - other people from my kid's school, or soccer, or whatever. But for a variety of reasons, it's not in the cards. It's harder to be friends with someone when you don't have a natural way of getting together - like I used to be better friends with someone I served on a committee with at the PTA level. We worked well together and genuinely liked each other. But her kids were in 5 and 3, and mine were in 4th and 2nd, and so post committee (and now post elementary school) we just don't run into each other naturally. And once kids go to different middle schools and different high schools, well, there's little chance.

So some of it is time, means, and opportunity. There's a wide group of people I could be friends with, but it's harder if I never see you.

Facebook has helped me keep in touch with the group of elementary parents we really liked, and post covid I expect to see some people, even though our kids aren't as close.

I think if someone is reaching out, and you just can't meet them where they are, you can do as you suggest and say something, or just do the best you can. People learn - you might be a friend who can meet for coffee during practice, and you're not a friend who can meet for coffee another day. I wonder if you're just making it more than it is?

OP, did they say "hi" to you and now you think they want to be your bestie, because you are oh so special?

This is the most bizarre post I have ever seen on DCUM.

Learn some social graces, OP.

I think if you are valuing being polite over never having to deal with this person again, you should be ready to politely and vaguely decline a few times.

"Thank you for the invite, things are so intense right now so I can't make any plans"
"It's so nice of you to invite me, thank you" but with no attempt at followup
"Thanks for inviting me, but we are really limiting social stuff due to COVID"

Personally, I would rather have someone put me off than bluntly tell me they aren't interested.

The pandemic has given you the perfect out from the hordes of wannabe friends knocking down your door OP.

“Would love to but we are keeping our bubble small.”

FWIW a casual invitation or two is not a request for a lifelong bosom buddy situation. If you are constantly having to fend off potential friends, you may be misreading the situation.

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP - I'm honestly not trying to mean girl anything! So you would just repeatedly say "I'm busy"?

I'm genuinely asking. I'm fine to learn that I'm the crazy one here, and I don't think I've ever actually been in a position to say this to someone, so it's not like I'm going around doing this. But I'm staging a hypothetical, and am quickly learning that what I would prefer to hear is very different from what other people would prefer to hear!

I'd honestly prefer someone to say something like "oh, it's so sweet of you to think of me! I'm actually at a crazy busy time of life right now, and just do not have time any more social commitments. See you at Larla's soccer game!" or whatever, compared to "oh, I'm busy that day" so I would know not to ask again.

I mean, it soo depends on the context and the specific words. But it seems like you're envisioning it as more of a discrete "will you be my friend?" where you make a permanent decision instead of something that develops organically. Personally if I asked someone, "hey, want to grab a cup of coffee before the pickup time for the kids' hockey camp?" and the response was, "my entire life is busy right now, I can't handle any social interaction," I would have a major WTF reaction and feel like that person was self-important. Like, I wasn't asking about your whole life, just seeing if you were free one time. I was trying to take the first step towards closer friendship, and you responded like I was trying to lay a claim on half your free time.

Imagine you invite an acquaintance to your holiday party at your house. If they come, maybe you get to chatting, maybe you learn about a mutual interest, eventually grab a coffee one on one, and over time become closer friends. Nice and organic. But instead imagine you invite the acquaintance and instead of RSVP'ing no, they send you a note saying "thanks, but you're just a random fellow soccer mom who I don't know very well; I don't have room in my life for new friendships." That's how your more direct response would come across to me.

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP - I'm honestly not trying to mean girl anything! So you would just repeatedly say "I'm busy"?

I'm genuinely asking. I'm fine to learn that I'm the crazy one here, and I don't think I've ever actually been in a position to say this to someone, so it's not like I'm going around doing this. But I'm staging a hypothetical, and am quickly learning that what I would prefer to hear is very different from what other people would prefer to hear!

I'd honestly prefer someone to say something like "oh, it's so sweet of you to think of me! I'm actually at a crazy busy time of life right now, and just do not have time any more social commitments. See you at Larla's soccer game!" or whatever, compared to "oh, I'm busy that day" so I would know not to ask again.

But the difference in those two statements is just the level of info. You prefer more info. Others might prefer less. Sentiment (I’m too busy to get together) is the same.

In the other thread, the woman straight up said “I am not in the market for new friends.” Even setting aside the extreme weirdness that they had been friends for years, that is EXTREMELY blunt. It is a rejection. Most people don’t reject friendships, outside of an actual falling out, because it’s a voluntary gig without official obligations.

My opinion is that it’s best to stay polite in your words, but clear with your actions. If you don’t want to be friends with someone, decline their invites and don’t extend your own invites (again, that was a weird thing in the other thread— the woman had previously invited OP over). Don’t refer to that person as a friend (“a woman I know from Larlo’s school”). You don’t have to be a sick about it, but also don’t lead them on by doing things friends do.

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP - I'm honestly not trying to mean girl anything! So you would just repeatedly say "I'm busy"?

I'm genuinely asking. I'm fine to learn that I'm the crazy one here, and I don't think I've ever actually been in a position to say this to someone, so it's not like I'm going around doing this. But I'm staging a hypothetical, and am quickly learning that what I would prefer to hear is very different from what other people would prefer to hear!

I'd honestly prefer someone to say something like "oh, it's so sweet of you to think of me! I'm actually at a crazy busy time of life right now, and just do not have time any more social commitments. See you at Larla's soccer game!" or whatever, compared to "oh, I'm busy that day" so I would know not to ask again.

I mean, no matter how you phrase it, you're saying you don't want to be friends. The first thing you said is fine, I guess? It's better than saying, "Thanks, but I don't want to be friends with you." But talking about "levels" is dumb Mean-girl status crap. If you don't want to spend time with someone, don't spend time with them. It's not like they are going to be all broken up that you don't want to be their friend. Honestly, if you told me the first thing, you're basically saying, "Sorry, I don't have time to be friends with you." I would just figure you were one of those people who thinks they are so important because they are so "busy" all the time, or thinks of themselves as so popular because they have so many "social commitments," like they are a store who isn't taking applications any more, and I wouldn't really want to be your friend anymore. So, problem solved.

I don’t understand. What do you mean by overtures of friendship? I assume if somebody has asked you out to coffee or go on a walk or have dinner it’s because you’ve had friendly interactions and clicked on some level.

I suppose that happened to me once where there was a lady I liked and thought we could be friends. I suggested we go out for happy hour. She said sure and it just never took off from there so I suppose she wasn’t interested in leveling up our friendship. And that’s fine and so much more tactful than what the other woman wrote in the other thread. We’re still friendly when we see each other.

This is the OP - I'm honestly not trying to mean girl anything! So you would just repeatedly say "I'm busy"?

I'm genuinely asking. I'm fine to learn that I'm the crazy one here, and I don't think I've ever actually been in a position to say this to someone, so it's not like I'm going around doing this. But I'm staging a hypothetical, and am quickly learning that what I would prefer to hear is very different from what other people would prefer to hear!

I'd honestly prefer someone to say something like "oh, it's so sweet of you to think of me! I'm actually at a crazy busy time of life right now, and just do not have time any more social commitments. See you at Larla's soccer game!" or whatever, compared to "oh, I'm busy that day" so I would know not to ask again.

This is childish. Invest whatever time you want in the friendship. Self important announcements about the “status” level that you’re comfortable with are unnecessary.

WTAF? If you don't have any problem with them, count them as "friend", but you are probably to busy to ever do much with them.

Send them a Christmas card and call it done.

What is up with this Mean Girl level Sh#t?

Spin off from the thread about the awkward text response to a friendship overture.

What is the best way to respond to someone who either wants to be your friend or wants to "level up" your friendship (ex: acquaintances to closer friends) without lying?

Does your answer change if you generally like the person but just don't have the bandwidth for more friends vs. if you don't feel you click with the person?