Anonymous wrote:Married with kids. He’s going through a tough period at work but it seems like he’s always going through a tough period. He’s high functioning but depressed and bringing me down with him and I feel like I’m suffocating. I don’t want to divorce and couldn’t afford to anyway. I’m just looking for support. Please be kind. It’s too hard to talk about this with friends.

Set boundaries, OP. When he gets in a rut about something or tries displacing his emotions on you, say, “What does your therapist think?” “Sounds like something to discuss in therapy.” “Well, it doesn’t seem like we’re getting to an answer here, so it’s probably an area where we need professional advice.”

I have depression, and I wouldn’t want to be around me when I’m going through a really severe episode. It sucks, OP.

One piece of advice I can give you from this side is try to remember that sometimes it’s not “him” taking, it’s the depression. I have a lot of shitty thoughts banging around in my head when I’m depressed, and some of them slip out. I can only imagine how hard it is for people around me not to take it personally, but it REALLY isn’t personal.

If he’s not already doing therapy and medication, that MUST change. If nothing else, get him to talk to one of “texting” therapists. Or see someone online, or whatever it takes. But you can’t white-knuckle moderate to severe depression—it’s an ILLNESS and it has to be treated. If he won’t do it for himself, he needs to do it for everybody around him (family, coworkers, friends).

OP, how much time are you spending together? Spend half.

20:45 here - mine takes meds, so that is something. I wish he would do counseling too as I think it would really help him, but no amount of nagging, encouraging, etc gets him to go. So I just deal. I don’t want to get divorced either, but have considered it fleetingly in the past. He has ups and downs— he is better generally than has been in the past, so that is something. Oddly, I notice occasional dramatic progress or improvement from him after a fight. That is never sustained though.

I actually checked the date this was posted to see if I wrote it.

Sigh

OP back. Thank you everyone for your support and honesty. I’m a little surprised and heartbroken so many other people are dealing with the same thing. Feel free to share advice. I agree self care is key.

Thanks for posting this. It hit home for me. DH is depressed and pandemic has exacerbated significantly. There is so much going on and I can't carry his weight, too?!

I am in the same boat, so all I can offer is solidarity.

Sorry, OP. It’s hard. I was recently diagnosed with major depression and I found these articles were helpful in that they hit very close to home. My spouse thinks depression is “shameful” so I am trying to come out of this alone. Can your DH take some time off of work?

https://www.storiedmind.com/relationship/11-relationship-traps-of-depression/

https://www.solutionstoallyourproblems.com/marriage-and-mental-health/

Anonymous wrote:Married with kids. He’s going through a tough period at work but it seems like he’s always going through a tough period. He’s high functioning but depressed and bringing me down with him and I feel like I’m suffocating. I don’t want to divorce and couldn’t afford to anyway. I’m just looking for support. Please be kind. It’s too hard to talk about this with friends.

Same here - virtual hug.

Mine is having an "allergic" reaction to a medication. Long term use can increase and/or cause depression.

He cries now openly and can't stop; he sleeps for hours during the day; living space is a mess and when I try to clean his areas he gets angry.

He's missing his time with his kids from another marriage. He's snappy with my son.

I'm exhausted from trying to be chipper and keeping everyone moving forward.

Still can't get his doc from the medication on the phone and he's so depressed he can't call.

We are looking at voluntary commitment over the holiday. I would have to deal with everything solo but it might be easier as I won't have to deal with him and he would be safe.

PP here
When my DH focuses on all negative I ask him to stop and resteer conversation. Unless it’s an issue I can help with. It can be relentless.

I’m sorrry. Hugs. It’s hard. My DH went through this. Medication really helped but it took time. Can you outsource anything? And take care of YOU ok. Yoga/baths/walks/etc. I’m sorry I know it’s hard. We are older now and he is much better but I can’t imagine it and a pandemic . Have sympathy for you both.
Don’t be embarrassed to talk with friends I bet a few can relate... or a therapist.
Hugs

I am right there with both of you. DH has anxiety as well and things are so bad right now.

Same boat. I completely understand. It is the worst.

I can never have a tough time because he always is.

I don't know what to do about it except to understand I don't control it. I'm a fixer and this is not something I can fix.

Married with kids. He’s going through a tough period at work but it seems like he’s always going through a tough period. He’s high functioning but depressed and bringing me down with him and I feel like I’m suffocating. I don’t want to divorce and couldn’t afford to anyway. I’m just looking for support. Please be kind. It’s too hard to talk about this with friends.