I’ll be honest. It took nearly 15 years of divorce to get to the point. My X had the same issues as your STBX. I was a parentified child because of my parents’ issues and I became a parentified spouse as a young adult. I went though a decade of being very angry with both my parents and my ex-H. About a decade ago, all three had very intense health/mental health and/or financial issues that sucked me back into their emotional orbit. I did a lot of therapy to help me try to establish and maintain boundaries. It helped me to find some sympathy and charity while still protecting myself and my youngest child.

Interestingly, I was going to reply totally differently. Re "enmeshment".

I'm divorced and a child of divorce, I have two kids. My kids were 5 and 1 when we split. Egad it was so hard on me, while he traipsed off to have a happy new (irresponsible) life. Similar issues, I stayed too long (which is how I ended up with #2 child) trying to work it out while he refused to address his issues. I was very angry for a long time. Sometimes I still have moments.

Instead of cutting ties and letting him flounder, I have helped him and included him, for the sake of our kids. So when he's been living in a Jewish home for example, knowing he loves Xmas and that the kids won't be decorating a tree with him, I invite him over to share in our tree decoration. I have allowed him to accompany us on vacation (separate bedrooms). Because I know otherwise the kids won't have any vacation memories with him. I have allowed early drop offs, late pick ups, etc. etc. etc. I've threaded the needle in a way to try to support him in a way that benefits my children.

I can't be married to him. The way I feel about him now is sort of a brother or cousin who is less-than entirely competent at life. So I try to be supportive. We aren't lovers but we will always be family. I wouldn't loan him $500 but would I let him crash on my couch if he needed to? Give him a ride home from a medical appointment or the airport? Sure.

Now it's true that this causes some lingering emotional "enmeshment" that is a bit painful for me. Now that the kids are getting older, I am looking forward to moving away from this area in part so I can get away from him. But I did marry him. I did reproduce with him. I'm not just going to abandon my childrens' family member now.

This is a contrast with the way my parents handled their divorce, they have nothing to do with each other, never speak, and things like weddings, baby showers, etc. were always very hard for me after their split. We all can't be in the same room together. I don't want that for my kids.

FWIW

Anonymous wrote:This was my ex, and I’ve been divorced for half a decade at this point.

Sounds like your plan is to continue to be his enabler. It’s one thing to not be a jerk and to occasionally extend some kindness when you want to and on your terms. It’s another to take care of things because he can’t or won’t or is just accustomed with you doing it all. If you ever want to have a normal relationship, you need to recognize the difference and learn to respond to him in a non-enmeshed way. Therapy would be good.

This. I wish I’d let my exDH flail much earlier but it was so hard to watch him hurt the kids.

Now the kids are old enough to fend safely for themselves with him. I have much stronger boundaries — I don’t invite him into the house for more than a few minutes at pick up and never interact verbally beyond pleasantries like “cold out today”. I don’t do anything for him unless it has a critical impact on the kids. So, for example, I helped him pick a new healthcare plan when he changed jobs so that I could be sure the kids had good coverage.

I had done couples therapy with him when my marriage was breaking up, but I wish I had continued for myself. I didn’t realize how messy and difficult it was going to be to navigate my relationship as his exand being a single parent.

I'm still in the midst of a divorce, and while we're getting along fine and STBX is pulling his weight financially (makes 3x what I do), we're not breaking up simply because we grew apart. He immediately moved in with his AP and during the last few years, carried on with multiple "retail workers" (ahem) and "dancers."

The divorce is necessary, but obviously unexpected as I learn about who my spouse really was. If he had treated me poorly to my face, at least I could say I knew what was coming.

I'm posting this for context, because people who know your backstory will fill your head with "you should do this" and "you should do that." And typically, this advice is binary.

"NO CONTACT! TAKE HIM TO THE CLEANERS!"

"He just needs professional help. Take care of yourself, but try to be patient with him. He's still your children's father."

Only YOU can decide where your boundaries are. You certainly need them to protect yourself, and for both you and your ex to move on. But if you get to the point where you can say to him "You seem like you're struggling with XXX. Is there something I can do to point you in the right direction?" and that feels true to you, then do it. Maybe you'll feel like in a year or 3 years, or maybe never. All of that is OK.

If no-contact (other than re: kids) feels right to you, then do that. You can always revisit whatever stance you take. Relationships with our exes have to be fluid as we change and our children grow.

Most likely, you'll fall somewhere in-between on the spectrum of "die in a fire" and "can I do your laundry for you?"

Don't let anyone but you determine your relationship with your ex going forward. First consider your kids, then yourself, then him. If you follow that path, I think you'll be just fine.

Good luck. It sucks, but we will get to the other side.

It takes a long time. It also takes moving on, having a new future.

Continuing . . .

On the anger part, the key is to spend far more time focusing on yourself and what makes you happy and how to live your best life. It’s okay if the feeling comes up, but you need to be really disciplined about not dwelling on it. Recognize it, spend some time journaling, and then focus on better things. Mindfulness is good for this. Or a gratitude journal that actually has you fill out responses to prompts to focus your mind on positive things.

This was my ex, and I’ve been divorced for half a decade at this point.

Sounds like your plan is to continue to be his enabler. It’s one thing to not be a jerk and to occasionally extend some kindness when you want to and on your terms. It’s another to take care of things because he can’t or won’t or is just accustomed with you doing it all. If you ever want to have a normal relationship, you need to recognize the difference and learn to respond to him in a non-enmeshed way. Therapy would be good.

OP, you may want to cross post this in:
Parenting -- Special Concerns as well, as that's considered the unofficial "divorce" forum.

Anything & EVERYTHING related to divorce, as well as parenting is discussed in there & I think it would be really beneficial for you to check out.

Good luck, I'm pulling for you! ♥️

The only way through it is to go through it. You have to feel all the feels. Trying to rush it will actually delay your progress. Allow yourself to be angry, sad, relieved, etc. Marinate in the feelings as they come and recognize them for what they are. Maybe journal about it. Don't get stuck on any one emotion for too long. You'll get there.

Anonymous wrote:I am in the process of finalizing a divorce that probably should have happened 5 years ago. I really wanted to make it work, for the kids and because I love the person I met and fell in love with many years ago, but my STBX has issues that they refused or were unable to straighten out (think learning disability/mental health/addiction type thing) despite my best efforts. I am still angry, angry that I wasted so many years trying to help them when it feels like they didn’t want to help themselves (despite every advantage - money, time, therapy, family support, etc.); and angry that so much of the burden (of kids, household, even divorce paperwork) has fallen on me because their disability has made these things challenging. But I am also much happier now that STBX is not living with me, and watching them try to get their new single life established makes me see that “adulting is hard” for them, and I sort of feel bad seeing the struggle.

I guess my question is, anyone have a similar experience, and were you able to let go of the anger and just try to be a good person / supportive ex? Take the highroad, go the extra mile, not to be an enabler but because you recognize that it is just too hard for them? I know that eventually I will have to let go of the anger just because it is not healthy, I wonder if I can ever be charitable toward them

You’re already on the path to overcoming your anger. If you felt nothing but anger, you’d enjoy watching ex struggle. It will take time for your wounds to heal, but when you have healed, and you’re feeling established in your new single life, you will realize one day that the anger has subsided. You may never feel particularly charitable, but you won’t feel any ill will either. In the meantime, focus more on the future than on the past.

It's going to take time. You just have to be patient and give yourself time. You can't rush this process.

It is much easier to be pleasant to someone you don’t know or care about. Be glad it was only 5 years wasted, and not 25. Seeing that person have to figure it out is probably the best thing they needed. Either way, that is no longer your responsibility and you need to let it go. You only hurt you. Right now at this moment you are thinking of this person. Not any of a zillion other things. You could be laughing at a sitcom, indulging in a Pinterest recipe, listening to music or laughing with a friend.

Instead you are here, angry with someone that probably isn’t giving much thought to you. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but that reality is what matters. It is what made me stop “enabling” the man baby I created with my ex, and allowed me to eventually not really care about him. There is nothing he can do to me, to interfere with how happy my day is with our child. He can ignore texts for school supplies, never once take the child to a doctor or dentist, withhold child support whenever he gets in his feelings. He is going to be who he is going to be.

The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can decide who YOU are going to be, ans step to it.

It’s much better on the other side! The grass is greener here because no one is pissing on what you worked so hard to nurture.

Gray rock 🪨

It helps you and it helps them. You can go your own way.

I’m the child of many divorces.

Someday, you will move to that space. It’s almost inevitable as the raw anger, disappointment, etc fade. You get to decide what stories to tell yourself. If you make the story “ex wasted my time and my life,” that’s gonna take longer. So I suggest trying to channel your 60 yr old self, and how you’ll ideally view it then. Nice person, too flawed, sad story.

I am in the process of finalizing a divorce that probably should have happened 5 years ago. I really wanted to make it work, for the kids and because I love the person I met and fell in love with many years ago, but my STBX has issues that they refused or were unable to straighten out (think learning disability/mental health/addiction type thing) despite my best efforts. I am still angry, angry that I wasted so many years trying to help them when it feels like they didn’t want to help themselves (despite every advantage - money, time, therapy, family support, etc.); and angry that so much of the burden (of kids, household, even divorce paperwork) has fallen on me because their disability has made these things challenging. But I am also much happier now that STBX is not living with me, and watching them try to get their new single life established makes me see that “adulting is hard” for them, and I sort of feel bad seeing the struggle.

I guess my question is, anyone have a similar experience, and were you able to let go of the anger and just try to be a good person / supportive ex? Take the highroad, go the extra mile, not to be an enabler but because you recognize that it is just too hard for them? I know that eventually I will have to let go of the anger just because it is not healthy, I wonder if I can ever be charitable toward them