Anonymous wrote:OP here.. I’m not sure if a therapist could tell me anything that would make me feel better. My DHs dad was killed instantly in a car wreck at 75 and of course he was devastated. His mom died slowly with dementia in her 80s in a home. I’m not trying to diminish the deaths of his parents but I can’t help feeling that I wouldn’t be so devastated if my dad died like either of his parents. Would I?

OP any death of a parent is awful but dying slowly in a nursing home is pretty awful too.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.. I’m not sure if a therapist could tell me anything that would make me feel better. My DHs dad was killed instantly in a car wreck at 75 and of course he was devastated. His mom died slowly with dementia in her 80s in a home. I’m not trying to diminish the deaths of his parents but I can’t help feeling that I wouldn’t be so devastated if my dad died like either of his parents. Would I?

very probably. If it is helpful for you to do thought exercises, then think through what it's like to have the parent die in a car crash (shouldn't have happened so soon but for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, the weather, the other driver, whatever the reason) and a parent die of a lingering disease that robs you of who they are far sooner than it does of their physical presence. I've been through both the sudden death and the lingering death, and they are both sucky, it's just with one you grieve the loss of the person before their body dies (but you feel bad that they were going through a physical and mental trauma before they actually died) and the other you grieve them after the sudden death but feel somewhat relieved that they didn't suffer for a lengthy period even if they lost years of life they might otherwise have had. FWIW, your dad probably understood why no one from his family was there to say goodbye, even if it is an awful thing to go through.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.. I’m not sure if a therapist could tell me anything that would make me feel better. My DHs dad was killed instantly in a car wreck at 75 and of course he was devastated. His mom died slowly with dementia in her 80s in a home. I’m not trying to diminish the deaths of his parents but I can’t help feeling that I wouldn’t be so devastated if my dad died like either of his parents. Would I?

As the PP who also lost my dad (sudden brain aneurysm in his 60s), there is no good way.

I suppose you’re right. I lost a sibling at 42 and I wasn’t nearly as devastated. But I suppose losing a parent or worse, a child, is more traumatic. I don’t know I’m just a mess.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.. I’m not sure if a therapist could tell me anything that would make me feel better. My DHs dad was killed instantly in a car wreck at 75 and of course he was devastated. His mom died slowly with dementia in her 80s in a home. I’m not trying to diminish the deaths of his parents but I can’t help feeling that I wouldn’t be so devastated if my dad died like either of his parents. Would I?

As the PP who also lost my dad (sudden brain aneurysm in his 60s), there is no good way.

I am so sorry. Nothing you did makes you a bad daughter or him a bad father / person. Our lives are what they are. He knew you loved him.

My mother essentially died (we took her off life support) alone in a stroke rehab center. It's been 10 years and it's still hard for me to think about. But I do know she knew how much I loved her.

OP here.. I’m not sure if a therapist could tell me anything that would make me feel better. My DHs dad was killed instantly in a car wreck at 75 and of course he was devastated. His mom died slowly with dementia in her 80s in a home. I’m not trying to diminish the deaths of his parents but I can’t help feeling that I wouldn’t be so devastated if my dad died like either of his parents. Would I?

I’m so sorry that he died and that you are suffering. Grieve all of it. It will take a long time. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

I'm so sorry, OP. That's really tough.

I'm really sorry, OP. I can somewhat relate. My dad died at the end of March, not of COVID, but of a very recent illness and the hospital protocols were such that he was by himself for most of the last two weeks and my mom was only allowed in when they took him off life support (and she couldn't stay until he died, after some hours she had to use the restroom and the protocols were such that once she left his room and removed PPE she couldn't come back). I definitely haven't come to terms with it, and I have a nearly physical reaction every time I let my mind wander to this time. I will say, over the months, the frequency with which I think about it has faded a bit (but not so much my reaction when I do) as I've come to focus more on his life and less on the specifics of his death. I'm in therapy, but we haven't delved in to this one (but it may be helpful for you).

All that to say, I understand and I think there are many of us who are feeling this way. Sending healing thoughts.

OP I am so terribly sorry. I know everyone always suggests therapy on this site, but I think it could really help you process this devastating event.

I'm sorry, OP. I agree that one of the most tragic parts of all these deaths is the isolation and loneliness. I hope you are able to find peace.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for your terrible loss, OP. I can't imagine the pain of losing someone during this already horrible year. Do you have someone IRL to talk to?

I’m so sorry, OP.

Regardless of whether he should have taken more precautions, he didn’t deserve what he got.

You sound like a very loving daughter, and I’m sure he knew you loved him.

Hugs.

It’s been about a month since my 79 yr old dad died from covid. He wasn’t practicing all the precautions he should’ve been especially being at high risk. Age, 40 lbs overweight etc.. He was shocked when he tested positive after he started feeling “weird”, he said. Hospital few days later, ventilation 5 days later, kidney failure 2 weeks later, died 3 weeks after entering the hospital. I talked to him the first few days in the hospital and he sounded fine and he didn’t seem too worried. My issue is I can’t come to terms with his death. I can’t stop thinking about how he must’ve been feeling laying there without being able to see us. His children, his wife of 60 yrs, grandchildren. It keeps going through my mind over and over of him laying there thinking about his family and wondering why none of us was there to hold his hand. It’s devastating each time I think about it and I just cry all the time. I almost wish he had Alzheimer’s or something so he wouldn’t have had a clue of what was going on. It’s so heartbreaking I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over the way he died in isolation.