My DS is a gamer, and it has been a social lifeline during Covid. He plays with his buddies all day long when he doesn't have something else to do. He isn't addicted - he does lots of other things, including humoring his mother and going for long walks - he just loves video games and friends. There are a couple of girls in his friend group (8th graders) and they play and chat along with all the rest. Would your daughter be okay being friends with boys? I know we all need same gender friends, too, but there is nothing wrong with finding friends who share your interest. I am not sure what is going on that a gamer girl is needing to hang out with younger girls, or being perceived as younger, unless it is the games you are letting her play. If a 13 year old is only allowed to play Minecraft, yes, her gamer friends will move on to other things.

My 13yr old DD is very into games and so are many of her friends. We do limit game time (less so in COVID), but she has very few other interests. I share some of your concerns, OP, but I think it’s useless to try to steer her away from gaming if that’s what she really enjoys right now. Put in some reasonable limits, but unless she becomes a true gaming hermit even after the pandemic is over, I would just wait to see how it plays out socially.

What do you think she should be interested in?

You are missing an opportunity here you could be steering her interest in programming/STEM.

My DD would love to meet your DD!

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure video games are a waste of time. They may not be your thing but it's a legit hobby for people to enjoy. My ADHD 12 yr old DD is a gamer. The video games give her the hit of dopamine that her brain craves. She spends hours playing and socializing through games on the weekends when she's not engaged in other commitments. During the week she gets 1-2 hours a day if all her work is done. It's her only way to socialize. She can't go anywhere. We don't live near kids her age. All the neighbors are little kids.

But she is also a straight-A AAP student, she's also a black belt in taekwondo, prior to covid she also did travel soccer, she's also an avid cooker, and she is a rule follower who gets her chores done. So long as she gets things done, gets outside, gets exercise, and makes good grades we don't limit her games. Gaming is her life. My DD also takes about nothing but gaming and has lost friends who aren't quite into it but she's also gained new friends who are. Also, as a result of her obsession, do you know what we did? We enrolled her in python classes and now she codes too and builds games. She has recently decided she wants to major in computer science. She used to want to be an architect so who knows if she will revert back. She searches for coding classes and books and is constantly begging us to enroll her in classes or buy the books. I think it's fine to develop new passions, even if it means you lose commonality with some people along the way.

^ PP here, my DD has also made money off of some of the games she has developed and won some game development competitions so it's not all terrible. We make her put the money towards her coding classes.

I'm not sure video games are a waste of time. They may not be your thing but it's a legit hobby for people to enjoy. My ADHD 12 yr old DD is a gamer. The video games give her the hit of dopamine that her brain craves. She spends hours playing and socializing through games on the weekends when she's not engaged in other commitments. During the week she gets 1-2 hours a day if all her work is done. It's her only way to socialize. She can't go anywhere. We don't live near kids her age. All the neighbors are little kids.

But she is also a straight-A AAP student, she's also a black belt in taekwondo, prior to covid she also did travel soccer, she's also an avid cooker, and she is a rule follower who gets her chores done. So long as she gets things done, gets outside, gets exercise, and makes good grades we don't limit her games. Gaming is her life. My DD also takes about nothing but gaming and has lost friends who aren't quite into it but she's also gained new friends who are. Also, as a result of her obsession, do you know what we did? We enrolled her in python classes and now she codes too and builds games. She has recently decided she wants to major in computer science. She used to want to be an architect so who knows if she will revert back. She searches for coding classes and books and is constantly begging us to enroll her in classes or buy the books. I think it's fine to develop new passions, even if it means you lose commonality with some people along the way.

IMO, your concern is right but your reason is wrong. It’s okay for her friend group to change. For example, if she had developed a passion for golf and all of the golfers in school were boys, it would be okay, no? The problem is video games. They are addictive and harmful and waste of time that could be spent doing anything else.

I’d be concerned about video addiction, too, and would try to ease her back on how much she is playing. To be honest, this sounds like a lot of girls with autism that I have worked with, especially if she doesn’t realize that the other kid doesn’t want to talk about video games and keeps going on that topic.

Except if she’s only playing video games all day, her brain may be addicted. How many hours is she playing, op? If it’s a lot, I would impose some restrictions. If it’s just an hour or even two, then it’s just her interests. But make sure she’s getting outside and reading and helping around the house goo

It will work itself out once she’s back in school.

What do kids even have to talk about right now? Everything is closed, sports are cancelled here, there’s no clubs or school groups, or school drama, nobody is going on vacation, it’s boring as hell so of course video games are so interesting.

Anonymous wrote:
Video games are not the cause but the symptom. She's maturing at her own pace and there's nothing you can do to change that.

I wasn't allowed to play video games at her age, but I started to play with younger children because all the girls in my grade were interested in boys and kissing, and I was just so revolted by that. All throughout my early teens, it was hard to find people my age I could play with. Then in high school I found a group of slightly nerdy girls that read a lot and talked about things other than boys and clothes.

Middle school is when paths diverge and friendships are in turmoil because of different maturation speeds and different burgeoning interests. She might not have stayed friends with her previous group anyway.

Talk to her about these things, just so she knows what to expect when she gets back to school.

+100000000000000000000

Video games are not the cause but the symptom. She's maturing at her own pace and there's nothing you can do to change that.

I wasn't allowed to play video games at her age, but I started to play with younger children because all the girls in my grade were interested in boys and kissing, and I was just so revolted by that. All throughout my early teens, it was hard to find people my age I could play with. Then in high school I found a group of slightly nerdy girls that read a lot and talked about things other than boys and clothes.

Middle school is when paths diverge and friendships are in turmoil because of different maturation speeds and different burgeoning interests. She might not have stayed friends with her previous group anyway.

Talk to her about these things, just so she knows what to expect when she gets back to school.

What did she used to like to do!?

Put a limit on the amount of time she spends playing video games pronto! Stick to it! Maybe 45 mins a day. Or an hour every other day, or only three times a week fir an hour. You decide. But it should be a significant reduction. Find her alternative activities. Crafts, online cooking classes, building things, lots of all sorts and price ranges exist online. Books, games she can play alone or through zoom with other friends( charades?) meet up with other friends for social distanced bike rides or outdoor time away from others. She needs your help.
She might complain. Okay. She is a child who has not had the needed limits up to this point. Video games become addictive. She needs you to help her. If you

My DD skews "younger" in terms of personality and actions so we weren't too concerned that she really liked playing video games. But, we are noticing her friend group is changing as a result. She used to have a small group of boys and girls that she would play with and this mostly stayed the same during the pandemic. But, slowly, some of her female friends have dropped out of this group and are being replaced with other kids in the community who are boys and are a year or two younger. They play virtually.
This weekend, we did a zoom get together with a friend of hers from another activity and all my DD could talk about was video games. I could tell the other girl was bored, but polite. The other girl would talk about her interests, which seemed a bit more age appropriate and varied. When the phone call ended, my DD proclaimed that this friend is "boring" and the call was "torture".
I have tried exposing my DD to other things yet she pushes back or claims boredom or whatever excuse she comes up with.
I am getting concerned because if she goes back to school at some point, most of her current friends will not be in her classes or school since they are younger and not zoned for DDs school. She will struggle making friends because not many girls are interested in video games in high school.
Playing video games has been a lifesaver during covid and has allowed her to stay engaged and maintain a social network. But it isn't sustainable and I have failed in helping her broaden her horizons. Any tips?