Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought he would be a good parent because he worked with kids and was good with friends' kids and his nieces/nephews. Turned out he was not well suited to the baby/toddler years but has a good relationship with our kids now.

My husband is similar. He was great with his niece and he’s incredibly calm and patient, so I thought he’d be a great dad.

He’s really not so great with our very young kids (ages 2 and 4). He’s just not very energetic and is kind of lazy. I have to insist he brush our kids teeth (or just do it myself). I have to insist he turn the tv off or he’d let them watch 6-8 hours a day. It just kind of sucks having to be the grown up. I’m bitterly disappointed but keep reminding myself at least he works (I do too, but at least he’s not a total louse), and I try not to blame myself for marrying him and making babies with him. I really didn’t know he’d be this passive and low energy.

Same happened with me. Lesson learned: it's really easy to be great with someone else's kids, because you skip the day-to-day drudgery and hand them back to mom and dad when the fun is over.

A huge red flag I missed is that DH (and his parents) were the "fun" uncle/grandparents. Always buying nieces/nephews candy, treats, toys, movies, etc. But no real relationship beyond that. I thought it was sweet he was always sending them gifts, even though his siblings had asked him to stop. It ended up the same with our kids - lots of junk food and screen time, junk toys everywhere, no rules or boundaries in place.

In retrospect, I wish I had paid closer attention to DH's father, because that's essentially who DH has become. If I could do it over again, I'd pick someone with a great father as a role model and who had extensive experience with actually caring for kids (not just being the fun uncle they see at holidays).

Anonymous wrote:I looked into my magic, crystal ball. 🤦‍♂️

I asked magic 8 ball.

I looked into my magic, crystal ball. 🤦‍♂️

I have a good sense about people. He is patient, easygoing and, by the time I met him, was already a good uncle to his sister’s three young kids.

I just go by the general competence. Competent people plan ahead and are rational.

He had kids from a previous marriage and was very good to them and with them. I saw how he treated his ex who treated him horribly.

He has a close relationship with his own parents, and they were good parents, so at least he had a good example growing up. We had a cat and he was really affectionate with it. He has been a really involved dad.

Anonymous wrote:My fiancé is going to be an amazing dad. He does fully half of the work of raising my son, and has been a rock during a really tough year.

+1. Similar (not exact) scenario and it was a pleasant surprise with the cherry on top.

I got pretty sick a year into dating and he was amazing with helping me and caring for me. He's always done his equal share around the house and with life duties. He's calm and handles stressful situations easily. When there have been issues that needed to be addressed, he was open and worked to change. (silly things like leaving laundry on the floor for days at a time) Is he the perfect parent? No. But neither am I. But he's def. a good parent.

My fiancé is going to be an amazing dad. He does fully half of the work of raising my son, and has been a rock during a really tough year.

I didn’t know ahead of time, but he has been besotted with the baby since the moment she arrived.

Anonymous wrote:I thought he would be a good parent because he worked with kids and was good with friends' kids and his nieces/nephews. Turned out he was not well suited to the baby/toddler years but has a good relationship with our kids now.

My husband is similar. He was great with his niece and he’s incredibly calm and patient, so I thought he’d be a great dad.

He’s really not so great with our very young kids (ages 2 and 4). He’s just not very energetic and is kind of lazy. I have to insist he brush our kids teeth (or just do it myself). I have to insist he turn the tv off or he’d let them watch 6-8 hours a day. It just kind of sucks having to be the grown up. I’m bitterly disappointed but keep reminding myself at least he works (I do too, but at least he’s not a total louse), and I try not to blame myself for marrying him and making babies with him. I really didn’t know he’d be this passive and low energy.

I thought he would be a good parent because he worked with kids and was good with friends' kids and his nieces/nephews. Turned out he was not well suited to the baby/toddler years but has a good relationship with our kids now.

I think if you have to ask, chances are they might not make a great parent. They might not suck, but probably won't be great. My BIL is like this: never really wanted kids but was ok with having them, workaholic, spends time with the kids on outings and vacations but he's not into the day to day parenting. My sister is a stay at home mom, and they worked this out ahead of time. She knew he would not be a hands-on dad, but she told me it still made her a little sad that he did not change after having the kids. She thought he would fall in love with the baby like she did, but it didn't happen. But she knew what she was getting into.

I had a feeling my DH would be a good parent because he is kind and loving, gentle with animals yet firm when training our puppy. He also is a lot of fun and loves to play games and sports. Most importantly, he was highly motivated to have kids-- he talked about kids even before we were married, I guess to make sure we were on the same page. He never babysat and the first baby he held was after we already were married (his niece) but he said that he always knew he wanted kids. I felt the same. We were both very irresponsible party people in college and young adulthood, so you would not have known either of us would be good parents just through observation. We now have kids and are both very involved.

I wish you the best. I described my sisters situation in case it was relevant-- 20 years later they are still married, 2 kids, and seem relatively happy (of course, any marriage is hard!). My sister has the kids she always wanted. Sure, there are trade-offs, but there always are some. Try to look clearly at your partner's personality traits, and if possible, have a no judgment conversation in which you both are honest about feelings and goals.

How and when did you know your spouse would be a good parent? We’re you right?