Easiest way to figure out what kind of husband/partner a man will be:

What kind of husband and partner is his dad?

There are exceptions of course, especially when so many guys are raised by single moms, but it’s a pretty good rule.

Anonymous wrote:I think that a man who has his mother do a lot for him is just looking for a wife to take over mom's work.

I dated a guy in college who didn't know how to do laundry. How is that possible? Did he just buy new clothes every time his were dirty? No...mommy was there to take care of it for him.

My future spouse would iron my shirts so I could go on interviews. He was great at ironing and offered. It was attractive.

+1 DH ironed his own shirts and did most of the cooking when we were dating. His mother taught him how to do all of that.

He's not great at cleaning, but he does everything else.

We are teaching both our DS and DD how to cook, clean, and do laundry, among other things.

I think that a man who has his mother do a lot for him is just looking for a wife to take over mom's work.

I dated a guy in college who didn't know how to do laundry. How is that possible? Did he just buy new clothes every time his were dirty? No...mommy was there to take care of it for him.

My future spouse would iron my shirts so I could go on interviews. He was great at ironing and offered. It was attractive.

Anonymous wrote:How does he keep his home?
Does he have a maid?
Does he do is own cooking or living on take out?
Is his laundry done himself or is it sent out?

DH had a housecleaner before we dated, but he did his own laundry and he likes to cook.

you want someone who does not hold onto "traditional" marriage values. Those men tend to think housechores and childcare are women's work.

Green flags:
1. Lives alone or with a roommate and the place is not a wreck.
2. Can cook.
3. Doesn't outsource every single thing (wash and fold, for instance) unless he has a crazy 80 hr/week job
4. Maintains good relationships with his family
5. Has close friends of both genders
6. Didn't have a SAHM (they can't help this one, but by observation and studies, it really matters to how they internalize whose "job" it is to handle all the grunt work)

Autocorrect is being an a**hole today. Please excuse the typos.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You'll have a sense based on balance of household work and emotional labor, but all bets are off once kids come. My DH was really great until the parenting became entirely my problem re: work because his job pays more (not that much more).

Completely agree with this. It's impossible to predict which men will step up and which will check out. I've been shocked with how that cookie has crumbled with the men in my life.

I disagree. If you had asked me at age 28 to divide my guy friends up into "will be equal partners," "will be somewhat helpful," and "will be useless" I would have been at least 80-90% correct. So yes, there are some surprises, there are no guarantees. But in most cases - you can tell. It's still a useful exercise to try and predict, even if you won't bat .1000.

PP above and I agree wire you, doe the reasons I just stated. You have to look at all indicators and I’m context. There is no simple list, it is more like a formula or equation with variables. Don’t ask me to write it out because I hate math. :l

+1 to all above.


It helps if the person has responsibility for anything other than him too. Maybe they volunteered, or had a long term relationship where they became accustomed to the necessary compromise all close relationships face at some point, or if his only his priority and self. In the latter, a person may have a difficult adjustment to the responsibilities in a relation both mental, emotional and physical, so when they start to invest more, they may not know how to also keep up with basic responsibilities. This isn’t a gender issue so much as a personal trait and circumstantial context.

The persons age, living expertise and independence, success in demonstrated balancing acts, and also demonstrated selflessness in some kind of way while also investing emotionally. That is a huge steep people for a lot to climb. Doesn’t mean they can’t get there, but it can definitely take the journey off course and make it more complicated than it needs to be. The dynamics will vary on what that looks like because it could be something where differences are complicated and similar in consequence to each partner.

In additional to good examples above I think it helps to take it in this or a similar context when looking at criteria that should give pause to commitment until addressed and not a threat to a good marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You'll have a sense based on balance of household work and emotional labor, but all bets are off once kids come. My DH was really great until the parenting became entirely my problem re: work because his job pays more (not that much more).

Completely agree with this. It's impossible to predict which men will step up and which will check out. I've been shocked with how that cookie has crumbled with the men in my life.

I disagree. If you had asked me at age 28 to divide my guy friends up into "will be equal partners," "will be somewhat helpful," and "will be useless" I would have been at least 80-90% correct. So yes, there are some surprises, there are no guarantees. But in most cases - you can tell. It's still a useful exercise to try and predict, even if you won't bat .1000.

Ooo this is a good one.

1) I'll get flak for this, but - insist on paying your own way for early dates. Any guy whose ego can't handle you paying for your own drinks is not going to be vacuuming regularly.
2) How is his place now? If his place is a pigsty, he either doesn't see dirt or doesn't care. Bad sign. I would say this is much more reliable after age 30 or so.
3) What does he eat? Has he ever offered to cook for you? If he only eats frozen meals and goes out to eat, that's a bad sign. If he cooks ever, even simple things, you've got a better chance of that sticking around (or even improving)
4) Once you're past "the talk" and are in a relationship - there's a couple trial balloons I'd throw out conversationally: "My friend is having a baby and started putting together a registry. God babies need tons of stuff! How would you even know what to put on there?!?" Then just sit quietly. See what he says "Oh, huh. So what do you want to do tomorrow night?" Bad. "Man, yeah, my friend has a baby and there's so much stuff! Half their kitchen is filled with baby stuff now." Good. Basically, if you can engage on any kind of practical baby conversation, without him changing the topic, that's a good sign. Again, more reliable after age 30.
5) Pre-engagement, I'd ask if he plans to take parental leave. If he'd be willing to take a few months and thinks that's a good idea, that's a keeper.

Anonymous wrote:You'll have a sense based on balance of household work and emotional labor, but all bets are off once kids come. My DH was really great until the parenting became entirely my problem re: work because his job pays more (not that much more).

Completely agree with this. It's impossible to predict which men will step up and which will check out. I've been shocked with how that cookie has crumbled with the men in my life.

Early in our relationship, my husband cooked and cleaned. That continued when we had kids. I don’t know what the green flags are, but I’d say if you’re marrying someone who devotes a lot of time to hobbies and video games, that’s a tough thing to change when kids are in the picture.

How does he keep his home?
Does he have a maid?
Does he do is own cooking or living on take out?
Is his laundry done himself or is it sent out?

You'll have a sense based on balance of household work and emotional labor, but all bets are off once kids come. My DH was really great until the parenting became entirely my problem re: work because his job pays more (not that much more).

I just saw a NYT article about working mothers during the pandemic, saw the thread about household work, and have many working mothers in my workplace. It seems like wives do so much more than husbands on average. I’m not married, and am just in the dating around phase (well, before Covid). If I want to get married to a man that pulls his weight with household and child tasks, what are some green flags? My parents were pretty equitable 60/40, and the only sign I could see as a early sign was that my dad’s mom worked outside the home.