op
my brother isn’t that bad, although he can’t control his temper he cares for me in his own ways. at the time, he was used to me helping him financially, and he would help out around the house (paint, garden etc). he couldn’t come around we cannot provide him anymore since we have our own priorities.
what he told my parents was he lost his job and was just asking me to borrow him a months repayment so he doesn’t need to pay the high interest, he also told my parents it was my wife that blocked me for giving him the money. but in fact he couldn’t keep his work repeatedly and asked us to pay all debt, i would of helped him if i wasn’t married, but it was my decision not to bail him out again. i was furious at the time also when parents took his side.
i say it’s getting to me because i would thought my wife forgave him having passed 5 years already, and i can’t keep staying mad at family. i would still say no if he wants money from us, but my wife can’t tolerate his behaviors and values

You can have a relationship with him all you want.

You can't force her.

And she's right. But then, you know that.

You can still talk to him/have a relationship on your own, but don't foist!

You can still be family but until your brother accepts all the consequences of his repeated actions (since this was no one time blow up but a calculated plot to ruin you to your parents - hello!!!). He cut the ties so why is he back now if he's not sorry? The fact that he's playing you against your wife proves to me that he's out for himself and is looking to blame the "outsider" in-law.
If you understand that your wife "is not at any fault", how is he "starting to get to you"?

OP, you are being played big time by a cold, calculating jerk who has no love for you!!

Your choose: brother or wife. Don’t be an idiot. Your brother does sound toxic. Team wife.

I’m betting this is the wife pretending to be the husband.

Yes, OP, you’re right and your husband sucks. If you don’t have kids, leave before you do.

Your wife is right. Your brother is wrong, as are you.

Your brother is trying to con you into something... he's probably after your money again. Have you asked him flat out to explain why he is angry with your wife? Since the answer is that she wouldn't agree to give him your money, I'd like to hear how he spins it.

Let me get this straight, your brother disrespected you and your DW, played the victim and turned your parents against you because you wouldn't finance his spending. Your brother accepts no responsibility for his actions, has not apologized for his behavior and continues to bad mouth and blame your DW for the problems he caused. Do I have that right?

Your DW seems like the only one in your family that can recognize an unhealthy dynamic. Why are you caving to pressure from your parents and brother? Why would you not trust her judgement that this is a toxic situation? Why would you let your DC anywhere near people who think this dynamic is okay?

It sounds like you should continue to meet with your brother one-on-one. Maybe even sometimes see your family without wife/kids. I think it's reasonable to ask her to get together with your whole family 1-2 times a year and be civil to him, like on a holiday.

Your brother sounds like the very definition of a toxic person. I agree with your wife. I would also caution you that your brother is trying to ruin your marriage out of spite and immaturity--which is beyond selfish, most especially if you have children. He does not have your welfare or best interests at heart.

I need more concrete details on how he disrespected you and what his rampage was. With the details you've given so far, your wife seems to be proved right, since your renewed contact with your brother has only resulted in him insinuating himself between you and your wife. He's trying, and succeeding, in breaking up your marriage. Are those the actions of a good brother?

Wait? Your brother went on a rampage because you wouldn’t bail him out of his credit card debt. Your brother still blames your wife. Your wife says no relationship until brother knocks it off. And you’re stuck in the middle? Of what??

#ListenToYourWife

You can't. She's not willing to have a fake good relationship with someone who feels entitled to her money. Is that so crazy? If you make up he's just going to start asking for money or disrespecting you in some other way. He should acknowledge his wrongdoing. Your wife is not the reason for breaking up the relationship, your brother is the reason.

a couple of years ago, my brother disrespected me and my wife because we refused to bail him out of a credit card debt. he went on a rampage and played victim turning my parents against us. since then, he cut all ties from us.
parents now wants my brother and i to mend relationships, and so do I. after all we are still family. but my wife is very against the idea and do not want anything to do with my brother. she said she does not want toxic people around our family, and she doesn’t want me around him unless he stops behaving like a 3 year old having a tantrum. i have fought with my wife on this matter but she insists.
i have caught up with my brother a couple of times, and his anger towards my wife also hasn’t gone away (i understand my wife is not at any fault). he is starting to get to me that my wife is the whole reason of breaking up our brother relationship. feels like i can’t have it both ways.