Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both work full time, from home right now due to covid. We are fortunate to have childcare, and pre covid we had cleaning help to minimize the friction between us in dividing household chores. It mostly worked. Now due to covid, we don’t have our cleaning person come. My husband is simply unwilling to help deep clean the bathrooms or help out around the kitchen. He says he does other things- like “cleaning humidifiers, vacuuming, ordering water,” but I am at my wits end and need help with all of the high priority chores that are not getting done- both logistically and on principle.

How have other people felt with similar situations? Im not arguing that we both don’t already do a lot, but chiefly that there is simply a lot more to be done now that we didn’t have to do before, and I shouldn’t have to do it all myself.

And if we ask your DH, I am sure he would say you are not. You are overestimating your contribution and underestimating your DH's. Start there.

DH and I have the attitude that we both do whatever needs to be done and if there is more to do we each keep going until there's nothing more to be done. So for example, DH would never let me do two loads of laundry including folding and putting away clothes. He would fold along with me.

I would never leave DH to clean up the kitchen after dinner while I watch tv. I am wiping the table and sweeping the floor. while he's scrubbing pots and pans.

This sounds like a case where you are keeping score of who does what and not counting the things he does to his score.

My advice is to dig in and demand. Set up a list of the chores that need to be done, hold him to 50% (and if he's not willing to do 50%, make him voice that out load). You may find that there is some negotiation over whether some chores need to be done (and this is a super common tactic from men, I suspect they teach each other how to do this).

It's not negotiable that adults have to scrub bathrooms sometimes. You might negotiate that you scrub the bathroom weekly while he is responsible for scrubbing the stove weekly, but ultimately, someone has to do it.

And don't let him off the hook. Make a plan and then insist that he holds to it. If he doesn't do his share, be explicit -- he is shirking his work and letting you pick up the slack, and it's not okay for him to do that.

You have to be 100% willing to go to the mat on this, though -- he won't do it unless he's pushed, hard. But do it for yourselves, and do it so your kids KNOW that it's not okay for men to shirk responsibility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More men are willing to live in filth than women. They cannot be changed. If you marry one the only solution is to try to negotiate the best deal you can on an individual basis. The most practical solution for women who work full-time seems to be relaxing certain standards. The toxic anger that builds up and permeates a home in which a partner seethes about undone chores is as bad as the contempt a sex-deprived partner can come to feel for the sex-denying partner. Children pick up on all of that and it is bad for them. Let DH go or let the anger go.

Is this what's going on, OP? I suppose my answer is different if:

1) You have different standards, and he doesn't think the bathroom needs cleaned or the floors need vacuumed as often as you do.

- or -

2) He thinks it's your job to clean the bathroom and the floors and is kind of pissed that you aren't doing it enough.

Basically, which one of you is seething about the undone chores?

It’s a combination. He is less bothered by disgusting toilets, and thinks he’s already doing a lot. I’m not saying he isn’t, we both are to some degree, but he is prioritizing chores he’s willing to do (like vacuuming) over the gross things our cleaning lady did, like scrubbing showers and toilets and sinks. He’s not saying explicitly that I should do it, but rather that he shouldn’t have to. Getting nowhere by pointing out the obvious.

Anonymous wrote:More men are willing to live in filth than women. They cannot be changed. If you marry one the only solution is to try to negotiate the best deal you can on an individual basis. The most practical solution for women who work full-time seems to be relaxing certain standards. The toxic anger that builds up and permeates a home in which a partner seethes about undone chores is as bad as the contempt a sex-deprived partner can come to feel for the sex-denying partner. Children pick up on all of that and it is bad for them. Let DH go or let the anger go.

Is this what's going on, OP? I suppose my answer is different if:

1) You have different standards, and he doesn't think the bathroom needs cleaned or the floors need vacuumed as often as you do.

- or -

2) He thinks it's your job to clean the bathroom and the floors and is kind of pissed that you aren't doing it enough.

Basically, which one of you is seething about the undone chores?

Pay for weekly cleaners and tell your DH the money is coming out of his golf budget.

Our house cleaner wears a mask and we do our best to be outside the home. We went from bi-weekly to weekly given we are all stuck at home and the place was getting messier.

This is why I have a house cleaning service.

My husband is never, ever going to scrub a sink or toilet. It's not going to happen. I either hire someone or I do it myself. My solution is to ask him to take the kids and leave the house to let me clean, because previously I was both watching the kids and doing the cleaning at the same time, and that made me really resentful. I like having alone time to clean and listen to audio books.

Just have your cleaning crew back. Currently it's nice out- just open windows and doors when they leave.

But I'm there with you. I've always done all the cleaning and dh did other tasks like cooking. I'm working longer hours than before and I'm home all day. Right now I'm staring at the mess in my house and it's hard to do my actual work.

We have the cleaning people and leave the house for the whole day they are here.

If your childcare is in-home, you could ask your childcare person to coach the children in doing some chores. They won't do it very well, but it will help a bit.

More men are willing to live in filth than women. They cannot be changed. If you marry one the only solution is to try to negotiate the best deal you can on an individual basis. The most practical solution for women who work full-time seems to be relaxing certain standards. The toxic anger that builds up and permeates a home in which a partner seethes about undone chores is as bad as the contempt a sex-deprived partner can come to feel for the sex-denying partner. Children pick up on all of that and it is bad for them. Let DH go or let the anger go.

We have the cleaning people come monthly instead of bi-weekly and leave the house when they are here. DH didn’t care if we lived in a pig sty and I wasn’t willing to work full time in a demanding job (remote), cook, and spend hours cleaning. My kids do a half ass job with their cleaning chores. We need a monthly deep clean.

My husband and I both work full time, from home right now due to covid. We are fortunate to have childcare, and pre covid we had cleaning help to minimize the friction between us in dividing household chores. It mostly worked. Now due to covid, we don’t have our cleaning person come. My husband is simply unwilling to help deep clean the bathrooms or help out around the kitchen. He says he does other things- like “cleaning humidifiers, vacuuming, ordering water,” but I am at my wits end and need help with all of the high priority chores that are not getting done- both logistically and on principle.

How have other people felt with similar situations? Im not arguing that we both don’t already do a lot, but chiefly that there is simply a lot more to be done now that we didn’t have to do before, and I shouldn’t have to do it all myself.