We told my parents, MIL, brother and SIL. A cousin who had gone through IVF just before we started was also kept in the loop and was a wonderful resource as well as a shoulder to cry on. She strongly advised me not to share with too many people and I’m thankful for that.
I also told my boss as I ended up having to do many cycles and he was starting to wonder why I was taking time off, but he never pried once he knew.

You don’t know how supportive your friends are going to be until you are in it and tell them. People just don’t get it - especially people who get pregnant easily. Also most people think IVF = baby 100% of the time so when it doesn’t work it’s truly hard.

PP here.

I would caution you from discussing IVF widely. I run in very liberal circles (academia), but someone told my colleague 5 years after the fact that I did IVF & she came to my office and lectured me about how healthcare dollars are wasted on infertility treatments, how I was contributing to overpopulation, etc etc

Others have strongly held religious beliefs, and may judge you for doing IVF. I told one (former) friend early on, and she still sends me emails about embryo donation since she thinks discarding embryos is tantamount to killing a baby (and she’s a doctor!?) - she’s obsessed with frozen embryos (though she doesn’t even know if we have any) & it ruined our friendship.

I can certainly withstand this now, but it would have gutted me at the time. I would actually keep your cards close to your chest - people talk & it’s just shocking how openly they will pass judgment on reproductive issues/choices. On the other hand, I now know to avoid these people because they exposed themselves as judgmental jerks. So there’s that.

Anonymous wrote:I agree 100% with PP. I don't know where these other posters get their friends. I've picked and chosen who I tell about my journey and it's been really helpful. While few of my friends have had similar experiences, I think they actually all seem to "get it" pretty well and I feel really supported by my friends and family who know. That gives me strength when everyone seems to be popping up pregnant.

I keep thinking about a friend who struggled with IVF years ago. I heard her sobbing from her bedroom one night when I was visiting and my spouse and I were awe-struck about what could be wrong. We had no idea what she was going through and found out later she had had a miscarriage right before we arrived. This was years ago- before I ever started TTC, but I still think about how lonely it must have felt to play host like nothing was wrong when her world was falling apart. I might not have had the exact right words back then, but I can't imagine that it would have been worse than living it alone.

I just wanted to clarify that, at least for me, the person who is throwing my struggle in my face is a member of my family, and certainly not a friend. I would never let my friends do this to me, but my cousin and I don’t like one another and have been forced together (with every detail of our lives shared between our mothers) our whole life. I 100% agree that you shouldn’t choose to surround yourself with people who can’t support you the way that you need, but (despite trying for many years), sometimes you just can’t avoid family members who either don’t know how to act/what to say or actively rejoice in your pain. You just have to act accordingly, I guess.

I second the poster who recommended talking to older women.

I did not tell anyone except one coworker. It was very lonely, but I have a busy and high-intensity job and a fair number of women in similar positions don’t have children, so it wasn’t a frequent issue. Occasionally, though, someone would start whining about how they wanted to have their next kid in June but it took a month longer than expected so they’d have to settle for a July baby, and I would want to stab her.

The one person who I did talk to was older - mid to late 40s, and she was having problems with her marriage, so we would get lunch sometimes and sit together and feel sad. My coworker who I confided in was also European, and she is not as smiley and does not act as bubbly or happy as many Americans do. I kind of withdrew into myself for those 3 years and will never forget how awful it was - see, here I am commenting 10 years later on a message board about it!

One nice thing is that now I can almost sniff out people having similar trouble. So I will drop into conversation that I did IVF to have my kids. I let them pick it up or let it go. But I have been able to support those going through it now. Like telling them how I did the shots and how I worked in the logistics. It is weirdly gratifying. Because infertility is just awful.

these people don’t know that I’m going through ...

Op, you have some obligation here

You need to share that you are having challenges with fertility. And that you are sad about it. That's it. You don't need to share specifics if you don't want to. You do owe immediate famiy and friends (you are close with) that basic information BECAUSE it truly is cruel of you to put people in the position of hurting you unintentionally.

I agree 100% with PP. I don't know where these other posters get their friends. I've picked and chosen who I tell about my journey and it's been really helpful. While few of my friends have had similar experiences, I think they actually all seem to "get it" pretty well and I feel really supported by my friends and family who know. That gives me strength when everyone seems to be popping up pregnant.

I keep thinking about a friend who struggled with IVF years ago. I heard her sobbing from her bedroom one night when I was visiting and my spouse and I were awe-struck about what could be wrong. We had no idea what she was going through and found out later she had had a miscarriage right before we arrived. This was years ago- before I ever started TTC, but I still think about how lonely it must have felt to play host like nothing was wrong when her world was falling apart. I might not have had the exact right words back then, but I can't imagine that it would have been worse than living it alone.

Man, a lot of y’all have pretty horrible friends and family members.

OP, you know your friends and family best. If they’re going to be assholes whether you tell them or not, it’s up to you whether you do. In my experience, telling family and friends of our struggle to get pregnant has actually made people more sensitive and caring. People still say stupid things or forget, but my experience is most are more sensitive.

Even my cousin who has a 6 month old child through IVF and knows that I am struggling actually competes with me! I recently mentioned that we are planning to do a transfer in the new year (we just miscarried after our first transfer) and after hearing that, she ran right out and is starting retrieval meds this week to try for another child (before the new year, as she so poignantly explained to me). As I’m typing this I realize that this probably isn’t super relevant to OP’s post, but I guess it’s just an example of how sharing info about your IVF journey can actually result in hurtful actions from others close to you. Meh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. They will never get it. There are even friends who go through IF and then once they find success “forget” and do dumb insensitive shit. Don’t tell anyone, even the best meaning friends/family have no idea what to say

I so disagree with this post. even though they will never get it, you could give some people the benefit of the doubt. that all depends on the people in your life, honestly. but I know the friends I told were much more careful with me around their pregnancies and sharing the news, something I greatly appreciated. even if they didn't necessarily have the right words, it helped that I was told over a private text rather than at a dinner when the surprise news was announced. the people who I have told have been more sensitive with me and that has been more helpful than anything

100% this second response

Look if you want people walking on eggshells around you tell them. Or tell them and deal with it when they throw their pregnancies in your face. It all sucks. I told friends and they went on to get pregnant easily and it was awful. Just awful when they complained nonstop about how uncomfortable they were or about the spacing between kids being off “by a few months” and you have gone through another failed cycle. For the PP’s that appreciated the hand holding just know they were rolling their eyes when you got a “private text heads up”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. They will never get it. There are even friends who go through IF and then once they find success “forget” and do dumb insensitive shit. Don’t tell anyone, even the best meaning friends/family have no idea what to say

I so disagree with this post. even though they will never get it, you could give some people the benefit of the doubt. that all depends on the people in your life, honestly. but I know the friends I told were much more careful with me around their pregnancies and sharing the news, something I greatly appreciated. even if they didn't necessarily have the right words, it helped that I was told over a private text rather than at a dinner when the surprise news was announced. the people who I have told have been more sensitive with me and that has been more helpful than anything

100% this second response

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. They will never get it. There are even friends who go through IF and then once they find success “forget” and do dumb insensitive shit. Don’t tell anyone, even the best meaning friends/family have no idea what to say

I so disagree with this post. even though they will never get it, you could give some people the benefit of the doubt. that all depends on the people in your life, honestly. but I know the friends I told were much more careful with me around their pregnancies and sharing the news, something I greatly appreciated. even if they didn't necessarily have the right words, it helped that I was told over a private text rather than at a dinner when the surprise news was announced. the people who I have told have been more sensitive with me and that has been more helpful than anything

Sorry OP. They will never get it. There are even friends who go through IF and then once they find success “forget” and do dumb insensitive shit. Don’t tell anyone, even the best meaning friends/family have no idea what to say

Talk to women over 50. They're almost definitely not going to announce a pregnancy.

I know I can’t be the only person who feels like every time they have an IVF setback i find out yet another person in my life is pregnant. Just after having my cycle canceled both a cousin and friend both told me they are expecting. I feel like this happens all the time.

Of course these people don’t know that I’m going through IVF aka the literal worst experience of my life and that the sight of a joyous ultrasound pic reduces to me to tears. It’s not their fault that I haven’t shared where I’m at in my journey. But at the same time, talking about IVF makes me feel like I’m naked and raw and exposed.

Part of me feels like one of the reasons this so so hard is because nobody talks about it. But the idea of talking more about this feels painful.

How did/do you handle this?