Mine was a functional alcoholic, but she definitely needed it to function. I rarely saw her very drunk as a child (usually only at family gatherings, so it seemed like a special occasion thing), but from the preteen years onward, I noticed how many more bottles of wine and gin there were in the recycling than what I had seen on the dinner table. She wasn't abusive to us at that point, but it got worse as she aged, and in her later years, and she could be very nasty and verbally abusive. The difference was, I could cope with it better at 35 than I could have at 5 or 10 or 15. We didn't have much of a relationship by the time she died, somewhat prematurely, at 65. Her parents were also alcoholics, which was another thing I didn't really learn about until adulthood.

My mom wasn't a nasty, abusive drunk, as described above. Truthfully, there were a few very hurtful and unpleasant things she said and did to me which still hurt. Mostly, she was a functional, yet sad drunk, who drank herself to sleep most nights. There were times I was neglected and I fended for myself from age 11 on. In her later years, she settled down to a wine loving type of drinker and she died young of pancreatic cancer.

Anonymous wrote:versus a mom who just loves her wine?

I realized late in my mom's life that she was an alcoholic. The focus for years had been on my father who was a recovering alcoholic and after my father's death it became apparent that my mother was also addicted to alcohol. But she no doubt appeared to be someone who just "loved her wine." All this is to say that it is possible for a person to be an alcoholic and hide it and do few of the things that pps are describing here. I knew it when my mom complained to me that my alcoholic brother whose wife had kicked him out of the house would have to move in with her after he finished detox because that meant she would have to hide all the alcohol and why couldn't he just quit drinking like my dad did and still live with alcohol in the house?

Anyway, not saying that's the case with your mom, OP, (if that's who we're talking about) just that addiction can have a serious negative impact on families which isn't reflected by out of control drinking.

Anonymous wrote:Confusion the next day about why your mother had absolutely no recollection of anything that happened the night before. Her behavior, the fight that ensued, it was all magically erased the next day.

Being 14 and scared when in the car with her because of her erratic driving.

Being a teen and not letting friends over to your house after 5pm because of the embarrassment when Mom was drunk and soon passed out.

Never knowing which mother you'd have one night to the next, Nice Mom or Enraged Mom.

Growing into a people-pleaser who is now a wife and mother anxiously trying to keep everyone happy and conflict-free.

A grown woman who rarely shows my own emotions, and if I do, feels guilty after.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Confusion the next day about why your mother had absolutely no recollection of anything that happened the night before. Her behavior, the fight that ensued, it was all magically erased the next day.

Being 14 and scared when in the car with her because of her erratic driving.

Being a teen and not letting friends over to your house after 5pm because of the embarrassment when Mom was drunk and soon passed out.

Never knowing which mother you'd have one night to the next, Nice Mom or Enraged Mom.

Growing into a people-pleaser who is now a wife and mother anxiously trying to keep everyone happy and conflict-free.

A grown woman who rarely shows my own emotions, and if I do, feels guilty after.

I experienced much of this as well. My mother has been sober for 20+ years (after I was an adult) but lost so many relationships before then, including my father.

The other thing I'd add is that I feel guilty drinking more than a glass of wine and I cringe at the "wine o'clock" and similar posts from friends, even though I know there are done in jest.

Anonymous wrote:The gaslighting.

+1

Having to live one reality and present a different one to the world to save face and more significantly, preserve the fiction that someone prioritizes and cares about you. Ongoing sense of embarrassment and living with a certain degree of secrecy. You do not invite friends to the house out of fear of being embarrassed by your checked-out mother.

Guilt about mom's drinking, worrying that you are the cause. Constant anxiety about the situation at home, constant anxiety about keeping the reality hidden.

Confusion, chaos, lack of routine. You don't know whether you can rely on your mom's word about giving you a ride, helping you with something, taking you somewhere, buying you something. Bedtimes and mealtimes constantly change, and a regular daily schedule does not exist. Changes in behavior without warning, rhyme, or reason, i.e. changing from being loving to angry, regardless of the child’s behavior.

Anger at the drinking, her choice to drink over being a functioning parent, anger at the chaos, the failure to provide support and protection, the neglect. Constant feeling of helplessness.

:::

In adulthood, all of the above manifests in lots of different ways including a general inability to form intimate relationships. The only person an adult child of an alcoholic trusts is herself.

Anonymous wrote:Confusion the next day about why your mother had absolutely no recollection of anything that happened the night before. Her behavior, the fight that ensued, it was all magically erased the next day.

Being 14 and scared when in the car with her because of her erratic driving.

Being a teen and not letting friends over to your house after 5pm because of the embarrassment when Mom was drunk and soon passed out.

Never knowing which mother you'd have one night to the next, Nice Mom or Enraged Mom.

Growing into a people-pleaser who is now a wife and mother anxiously trying to keep everyone happy and conflict-free.

A grown woman who rarely shows my own emotions, and if I do, feels guilty after.

Same here.

Confusion the next day about why your mother had absolutely no recollection of anything that happened the night before. Her behavior, the fight that ensued, it was all magically erased the next day.

Being 14 and scared when in the car with her because of her erratic driving.

Being a teen and not letting friends over to your house after 5pm because of the embarrassment when Mom was drunk and soon passed out.

Never knowing which mother you'd have one night to the next, Nice Mom or Enraged Mom.

Growing into a people-pleaser who is now a wife and mother anxiously trying to keep everyone happy and conflict-free.

A grown woman who rarely shows my own emotions, and if I do, feels guilty after.

Anonymous wrote:+1 to all that's been said.

Other ways of walking on eggshells would include being a people-pleaser, feeling obsessed with being "good". Overachieving student, best at extracurriculars, constantly "a joy to have in class". Just trying not to give them any reason to take things out on me. Knowing how to mix their preferred drinks from a young age. Knowing how to keep secrets and what not to say to teachers, coaches, etc. about home life. Not having a parent present for your performances, games, anything that matters to you as a kid because they're blitzed. Not wanting to have friends over.

Developing relationships (both friendships and romantic) with people who treat you badly, because that's what you know. Not really knowing who you are as a young adult, because so much of your identity has been defined by your parent's alcoholism.

Hopefully leaving home as soon as possible and finding a good therapist.

I remember reading something about finding sexual chemistry with people who allow you to relive your childhood dynamics and that was the moment I realized I needed therapy. I looked for men who were toxic and abusive because my of my drunk mother.

+1 to all that's been said.

Other ways of walking on eggshells would include being a people-pleaser, feeling obsessed with being "good". Overachieving student, best at extracurriculars, constantly "a joy to have in class". Just trying not to give them any reason to take things out on me. Knowing how to mix their preferred drinks from a young age. Knowing how to keep secrets and what not to say to teachers, coaches, etc. about home life. Not having a parent present for your performances, games, anything that matters to you as a kid because they're blitzed. Not wanting to have friends over.

Developing relationships (both friendships and romantic) with people who treat you badly, because that's what you know. Not really knowing who you are as a young adult, because so much of your identity has been defined by your parent's alcoholism.

Hopefully leaving home as soon as possible and finding a good therapist.

The walking on eggshells when she was nasty and drunk (every night) and confused if it was my fault or I deserved the behavior. Thank God for therapy.

Anonymous wrote:There is a big difference

Alcoholics are crazy, have to have the drink to function, make it #1 priority. Forget bathing kids every night and reading them books. It’s wine, maybe dinner, and kids go to sleep off schedule and not loved. Things are forgotten for school, etc

Exactly what this person said. Drinking was the #1 priority over everything else, and it progressed from too much to drink after 5pm daily to too much to drink anytime she was awake as we got older. She jeopardized our safety and go from being “fun drunk” go horribly mean and nasty in an instant.

The gaslighting.

There is a big difference

Alcoholics are crazy, have to have the drink to function, make it #1 priority. Forget bathing kids every night and reading them books. It’s wine, maybe dinner, and kids go to sleep off schedule and not loved. Things are forgotten for school, etc

versus a mom who just loves her wine?