Anonymous
Post 10/14/2020 09:22     Subject: If I take my kids, and then we later get divorced . . .
Document document document. Things like exactly when the truma occurred, the doctors visits, medical advice, etc. Document when and where he sees the kids or provides parenting to the kids vs when you are providing parenting (all the medical appointments, all the therapy spots etc).

Document what you can now - just in case it all goes south and you lose access to any information.

Consult a lawyer.

Demonstrable evidence would be you texting him hey join us for this, or note Jeremy has an appointment at this time, the school guidance counselor has set an appointment for X time will you attend, etc. As long as you are regularly feeding him information, his response is his response - if it came to that, you'd have. record that you were including him, and then a record he was not responding.

Essentially - you be clear an open every step of the way (but in the background document everything, photocopy all records you can get your hands on).

Act as if this is a normal relationship and you are two committed partners in co-parenting. If he is unable to co-parent, that will become apparent and will be helpful if the relationship deteriorates.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2020 09:21     Subject: If I take my kids, and then we later get divorced . . .
Anonymous wrote:If in any way he has mentioned harming himself, even in a joking way, please take it seriously .


Believe me, I am. At this point, the professionals feel that he's safe to stay home.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2020 09:14     Subject: If I take my kids, and then we later get divorced . . .
Anonymous wrote:Are you in therapy? Are the kids in therapy? What type of trauma triggered this?


Yes, yes and I'd rather not say, other than it wasn't trauma caused by anyone's behavior (e.g. this isn't a domestic violence situation or something).
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 23:28     Subject: If I take my kids, and then we later get divorced . . .
Are you in therapy? Are the kids in therapy? What type of trauma triggered this?
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 23:21     Subject: If I take my kids, and then we later get divorced . . .
If in any way he has mentioned harming himself, even in a joking way, please take it seriously .
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 23:17     Subject: Re:If I take my kids, and then we later get divorced . . .
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I haven’t asked DH. I will, and I wouldn’t go if he said no. I think he might welcome a break from the kids.


New poster. Some very good advice in posts above. OP, I'm very sorry for the situation -- it sounds as if you really want the marriage to continue and that can be so complicated where there are mental health issues.

Is he getting treatment? You don't say but the tone sounds as if maybe this is a known and diagnosed issue--? There may be a few things to ask yourself here: Will he keep going to his therapy and/or taking his meds (if any) reliably and regularly without you present, or is there a risk he will stop attending therapy or maybe decide he "doesn't need" his meds if he's on his own?

To be clear, I get it if you feel you cannot both cope with the kids and be his caregiver overseeing whether he gets medical help/medication! It's just something to factor in if you do stay elsewhere for a while. Would he need to be checked in on by someone, whether that's you or someone else?

If he's not in any kind of treatment, is it possible to get him started on any? Or is he refusing to see problems/refusing to get help? You do mention his needing "peace and quiet to recuperate" so perhaps he's been treated or hospitalized recently.

I truly hope he gets better and you and your kids get a needed break.


OP here,

This is a pretty abrupt change triggered by a specific trauma. We are still in the very early part and are figuring out treatment. I hope the treatment works and he is back to the excellent father and husband he was. One of my goals would be to avoid the kids seeing something that impacted their relationship long term.

He wouldn’t be alone, his Dad is a good support for him and I would have childcare where I’d be so if I needed to attend a joint therapy session or something it wouldn’t be a problem.

My kids and I were impacted by the same traumatic event and right now I think they would find it hard to be separated from both parents, otherwise I’d stay and send them by themselves.


I'm PP to whom you're responding and I'm so sorry about the family's experience, OP. Are you, yourself, in any kind of therapy or short-term counseling or--? Maybe it would be good to get advice from a professional, who could advise you about the potential impacts on your DH of your being out of the home.

Not saying it's not a good idea--just thinking that it might be good to have some professional guidance on what to consider for your DH, yourself and your kids, how to talk to your kics about why you're going to stay at grandma's, etc. Maybe you're doing all that already, though. I hope your DH improves and that your whole family heals.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 14:40     Subject: Re:If I take my kids, and then we later get divorced . . .
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I haven’t asked DH. I will, and I wouldn’t go if he said no. I think he might welcome a break from the kids.


New poster. Some very good advice in posts above. OP, I'm very sorry for the situation -- it sounds as if you really want the marriage to continue and that can be so complicated where there are mental health issues.

Is he getting treatment? You don't say but the tone sounds as if maybe this is a known and diagnosed issue--? There may be a few things to ask yourself here: Will he keep going to his therapy and/or taking his meds (if any) reliably and regularly without you present, or is there a risk he will stop attending therapy or maybe decide he "doesn't need" his meds if he's on his own?

To be clear, I get it if you feel you cannot both cope with the kids and be his caregiver overseeing whether he gets medical help/medication! It's just something to factor in if you do stay elsewhere for a while. Would he need to be checked in on by someone, whether that's you or someone else?

If he's not in any kind of treatment, is it possible to get him started on any? Or is he refusing to see problems/refusing to get help? You do mention his needing "peace and quiet to recuperate" so perhaps he's been treated or hospitalized recently.

I truly hope he gets better and you and your kids get a needed break.


OP here,

This is a pretty abrupt change triggered by a specific trauma. We are still in the very early part and are figuring out treatment. I hope the treatment works and he is back to the excellent father and husband he was. One of my goals would be to avoid the kids seeing something that impacted their relationship long term.

He wouldn’t be alone, his Dad is a good support for him and I would have childcare where I’d be so if I needed to attend a joint therapy session or something it wouldn’t be a problem.

My kids and I were impacted by the same traumatic event and right now I think they would find it hard to be separated from both parents, otherwise I’d stay and send them by themselves.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 13:45     Subject: Re:If I take my kids, and then we later get divorced . . .
Anonymous wrote:I haven’t asked DH. I will, and I wouldn’t go if he said no. I think he might welcome a break from the kids.


New poster. Some very good advice in posts above. OP, I'm very sorry for the situation -- it sounds as if you really want the marriage to continue and that can be so complicated where there are mental health issues.

Is he getting treatment? You don't say but the tone sounds as if maybe this is a known and diagnosed issue--? There may be a few things to ask yourself here: Will he keep going to his therapy and/or taking his meds (if any) reliably and regularly without you present, or is there a risk he will stop attending therapy or maybe decide he "doesn't need" his meds if he's on his own?

To be clear, I get it if you feel you cannot both cope with the kids and be his caregiver overseeing whether he gets medical help/medication! It's just something to factor in if you do stay elsewhere for a while. Would he need to be checked in on by someone, whether that's you or someone else?

If he's not in any kind of treatment, is it possible to get him started on any? Or is he refusing to see problems/refusing to get help? You do mention his needing "peace and quiet to recuperate" so perhaps he's been treated or hospitalized recently.

I truly hope he gets better and you and your kids get a needed break.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:17     Subject: Re:If I take my kids, and then we later get divorced . . .
I haven’t asked DH. I will, and I wouldn’t go if he said no. I think he might welcome a break from the kids.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:16     Subject: If I take my kids, and then we later get divorced . . .
Anonymous wrote:Consult a lawyer, in case you are headed for divorce. Are you currently in the same state as your home under construction? When you take your kids to family will it be in the same state or different?

Generally, as a parent, you are allowed to take your kids anywhere and it is not considered "kidnapping".

Does your DH agree with this? He doesn't have to, but it will help you if you have some record that he agreed (texts, email, voicemail, etc.)

It also helps if you have demonstrable evidence that you have continued to foster the relationship even if you are no longer living with the father.


Our house and the house where he is are in the same neighborhood/city/state.

The house where we’d go is in the suburbs of the city where we live, but across a state line. So imagine we live in a little DC rowhouse, and I am taking my kids to Grandma in Potomac so they can have more space to run around, and he can have some peace and quiet to recuperate, and Grandma can supervise DL while I work.

If I bring the kids back every weekend, and send a text on weeknights saying “we’re having spaghetti, let me know if you’re coming so I know how much to cook” is that enough, or do I need an answer? (That would be a genuine invite. I would love it if he came for dinner every night. I just don’t want him unsupervised with my kids right now).

Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:01     Subject: If I take my kids, and then we later get divorced . . .
Consult a lawyer, in case you are headed for divorce. Are you currently in the same state as your home under construction? When you take your kids to family will it be in the same state or different?

Generally, as a parent, you are allowed to take your kids anywhere and it is not considered "kidnapping".

Does your DH agree with this? He doesn't have to, but it will help you if you have some record that he agreed (texts, email, voicemail, etc.)

It also helps if you have demonstrable evidence that you have continued to foster the relationship even if you are no longer living with the father.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 11:17     Subject: If I take my kids, and then we later get divorced . . .
I love my DH, and I would like to stay married, but he is having some mental health issues that make being separated for a while a good idea for the kids. I am thinking of taking my kids to another family member’s for a “vacation”. Hopefully he’ll get treatment and we’ll be back together soon, but I think I need to prepare for the possibility that this could turn into a true separation.

Are there things I need to do to protect my chances of getting custody?

If it makes a difference, none of us are living in the house we own right now. We have been staying with my IL’s while our house is under construction.

I would be less than an hour away, and would bring the kids back on the weekend. He could visit as much as he likes, although I suspect the mental health issues will prevent that.