Anonymous
10/12/2020 12:31
Subject: Anyone not prepared for life
I grew up nurtured but often on the edge of the poverty line. Then into a middle class existence once my dad was able to get a better position. I was able to attend college only because I got scholarships. I never felt truly lacking in anything, and figured hard work and perseverance would be my ticket into a life with some predictable degree of...SOMEthing.
Boy was I wrong about that! All kinds of things can happen that we are simply not prepared for. After my mother died of cancer, I was NOT prepared for the terrible fallout from her death, the demoralizing nature of how people in general seem to treat one another, the impace of a slouse who developed a mental illness, etc etc etc.
So, OP, you may have been spoiled as you say, but stop beating yourself up over not being prepared for life being different than you expected, because I know almost NOone whose life turned out like the expected.
I suggest moving away from expectation and turning to gratitude. Be grateful for what you have and compassionate towards those who do not have these things.
Also realize that having been given resources doesnt make you a bad or ill prepared person any more than a life of hard knocks turns everyone into a success story. Just be yourself and work on being comfortable with who and not what you are. Where there is work to be done on that, do it. It sounds like you are zeroing in on an area of yourself you want to work on It may be different than what you are expressing, but its your first clue.
Boy was I wrong about that! All kinds of things can happen that we are simply not prepared for. After my mother died of cancer, I was NOT prepared for the terrible fallout from her death, the demoralizing nature of how people in general seem to treat one another, the impace of a slouse who developed a mental illness, etc etc etc.
So, OP, you may have been spoiled as you say, but stop beating yourself up over not being prepared for life being different than you expected, because I know almost NOone whose life turned out like the expected.
I suggest moving away from expectation and turning to gratitude. Be grateful for what you have and compassionate towards those who do not have these things.
Also realize that having been given resources doesnt make you a bad or ill prepared person any more than a life of hard knocks turns everyone into a success story. Just be yourself and work on being comfortable with who and not what you are. Where there is work to be done on that, do it. It sounds like you are zeroing in on an area of yourself you want to work on It may be different than what you are expressing, but its your first clue.
Anonymous
10/12/2020 12:27
Subject: Re:Anyone not prepared for life
I think the real issue is entitlement. It's not that your parents didn't prepare you for life. Who is ever really prepared for life? It's unpredictable, and the world changes between generations. Everyone struggles in adulthood. EVERYONE.
The problem is when you are surprised by this, or somehow believe you should be exempt from struggle because of your background or inherent wonderfulness. I think it's hard for people to figure out the balance between understanding everyone has value and deserves basic respect and kindness, and also no one is entitled to deference or special treatment. I encounter a lot of people from privileged backgrounds who react very negatively to the idea that they might not be singled out for *special* treatment, whether it's getting the best service at a restaurant or getting the plum assignments at work or being doted on by everyone on their birthday. It's really hard to deal with people like this because they will view normal, respectful treatment as a slight.
OP, if you are struggling with this, I think you need to spend more time with a broader variety of people. If you grew up, went through school, and work and socialize primarily with privileged people, it warps your idea of what it is to be a person in the world. Try spending more time around less privileged people, and learning that you aren't unique or special just because your family had resources. Learn how other people live -- happily! -- without fancy things or money from their parents or whatever. You have the muscles; they've just atrophied because you've never had to use them.
The problem is when you are surprised by this, or somehow believe you should be exempt from struggle because of your background or inherent wonderfulness. I think it's hard for people to figure out the balance between understanding everyone has value and deserves basic respect and kindness, and also no one is entitled to deference or special treatment. I encounter a lot of people from privileged backgrounds who react very negatively to the idea that they might not be singled out for *special* treatment, whether it's getting the best service at a restaurant or getting the plum assignments at work or being doted on by everyone on their birthday. It's really hard to deal with people like this because they will view normal, respectful treatment as a slight.
OP, if you are struggling with this, I think you need to spend more time with a broader variety of people. If you grew up, went through school, and work and socialize primarily with privileged people, it warps your idea of what it is to be a person in the world. Try spending more time around less privileged people, and learning that you aren't unique or special just because your family had resources. Learn how other people live -- happily! -- without fancy things or money from their parents or whatever. You have the muscles; they've just atrophied because you've never had to use them.
Anonymous
10/12/2020 12:00
Subject: Anyone not prepared for life
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I grew up very spoiled. As an adult I'm realizing what a disservice this was. I still hold onto a lot of unrealistic expectations and fantasies about life. It's hard for me to accept compromise and life's harsh realities. Anyone ever get through something like this?
I grew up the opposite of spoiled and still felt unprepared for life. It's not my parent's fault, it's just the way of the world. Life can't always be easy and we can't always have our way.
"Life can't always be easy and we can't always have our way." This is the realization I have a hard time accepting. I know it's true at this point, but I feel like I wasn't prepared for it. Not blaming my parents of anything. I encounter some other adults who've understood that truth for a long time, I'm always envious and wonder how they became so realistic so young.
Ha, that’s me. Suck it up, buttercup was probably the first nursery rhyme I learned. That’s how my parents (the silent generation) parented.
Anonymous
10/12/2020 11:50
Subject: Anyone not prepared for life
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I grew up very spoiled. As an adult I'm realizing what a disservice this was. I still hold onto a lot of unrealistic expectations and fantasies about life. It's hard for me to accept compromise and life's harsh realities. Anyone ever get through something like this?
I grew up the opposite of spoiled and still felt unprepared for life. It's not my parent's fault, it's just the way of the world. Life can't always be easy and we can't always have our way.
"Life can't always be easy and we can't always have our way." This is the realization I have a hard time accepting. I know it's true at this point, but I feel like I wasn't prepared for it. Not blaming my parents of anything. I encounter some other adults who've understood that truth for a long time, I'm always envious and wonder how they became so realistic so young.
But you see, knowing that intellectually and *understanding it are two different things. Experience is the only way to learn this lesson. Your parents are not to blame.
Anonymous
10/12/2020 11:49
Subject: Re:Anyone not prepared for life
Anonymous wrote:I identify with you, OP.
I was spoiled, even though my parents were not "rich." We did budget, we didn't always keep up with the Joneses, I grew up in a modest cape rather than a McMansion, but I was spoiled in that I never knew hardship growing up or even the need to hustle. Everything was easy and predictable. I thought life was just that - go to school, get good grades, go to college, get a job, and voila - middle class American lifestyle, home, family, two cars, white picket fence, yada yada.
BOY did reality smack me in the face. Financial crisis 2008, financial crisis 2020, student loan debt, stagnant salaries, ballooning health care costs. I just never grasped that I could be poor and financially struggling when I didn't do anything "wrong."
good post
Anonymous
10/12/2020 11:48
Subject: Anyone not prepared for life
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I grew up very spoiled. As an adult I'm realizing what a disservice this was. I still hold onto a lot of unrealistic expectations and fantasies about life. It's hard for me to accept compromise and life's harsh realities. Anyone ever get through something like this?
I grew up the opposite of spoiled and still felt unprepared for life. It's not my parent's fault, it's just the way of the world. Life can't always be easy and we can't always have our way.
Good point. It is as if our parents can only prepare us for the life they have known.
My parents did not go to college. As a result, I went to a MUCH lower college than I could have attended. it undoubtedly impacted my life's trajectory.
This is a humbling lesson for those who feel superior because of where they wound up.
Anonymous
10/12/2020 11:47
Subject: Anyone not prepared for life
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I grew up very spoiled. As an adult I'm realizing what a disservice this was. I still hold onto a lot of unrealistic expectations and fantasies about life. It's hard for me to accept compromise and life's harsh realities. Anyone ever get through something like this?
I grew up in a really nice house and it was very, very difficult for me to live in the slumlord apartments around college campuses in undergrad and grad school. Going from a brand new 5000sqft house that is constantly spotless to a 70 year old basement apartment that has about 5.6 unidentifiable and probably toxic smells, dust that drops from seemingly nowhere and kitchen cabinets falling apart is terrible. I eventually worked my way back but honestly after 8 years of slumming it, I don't think I ever would have gotten used to the kind of apartments that go for ~1k per month.[/quote
Did this make you more empathetic to, and concerned about, poor people? Children growing up in such environments?
Anonymous
10/12/2020 11:38
Subject: Re:Anyone not prepared for life
I identify with you, OP.
I was spoiled, even though my parents were not "rich." We did budget, we didn't always keep up with the Joneses, I grew up in a modest cape rather than a McMansion, but I was spoiled in that I never knew hardship growing up or even the need to hustle. Everything was easy and predictable. I thought life was just that - go to school, get good grades, go to college, get a job, and voila - middle class American lifestyle, home, family, two cars, white picket fence, yada yada.
BOY did reality smack me in the face. Financial crisis 2008, financial crisis 2020, student loan debt, stagnant salaries, ballooning health care costs. I just never grasped that I could be poor and financially struggling when I didn't do anything "wrong."
I was spoiled, even though my parents were not "rich." We did budget, we didn't always keep up with the Joneses, I grew up in a modest cape rather than a McMansion, but I was spoiled in that I never knew hardship growing up or even the need to hustle. Everything was easy and predictable. I thought life was just that - go to school, get good grades, go to college, get a job, and voila - middle class American lifestyle, home, family, two cars, white picket fence, yada yada.
BOY did reality smack me in the face. Financial crisis 2008, financial crisis 2020, student loan debt, stagnant salaries, ballooning health care costs. I just never grasped that I could be poor and financially struggling when I didn't do anything "wrong."
Anonymous
10/12/2020 10:15
Subject: Anyone not prepared for life
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I grew up very spoiled. As an adult I'm realizing what a disservice this was. I still hold onto a lot of unrealistic expectations and fantasies about life. It's hard for me to accept compromise and life's harsh realities. Anyone ever get through something like this?
I grew up the opposite of spoiled and still felt unprepared for life. It's not my parent's fault, it's just the way of the world. Life can't always be easy and we can't always have our way.
"Life can't always be easy and we can't always have our way." This is the realization I have a hard time accepting. I know it's true at this point, but I feel like I wasn't prepared for it. Not blaming my parents of anything. I encounter some other adults who've understood that truth for a long time, I'm always envious and wonder how they became so realistic so young.
Anonymous
10/12/2020 09:45
Subject: Anyone not prepared for life
Anonymous wrote:I grew up very spoiled. As an adult I'm realizing what a disservice this was. I still hold onto a lot of unrealistic expectations and fantasies about life. It's hard for me to accept compromise and life's harsh realities. Anyone ever get through something like this?
I grew up the opposite of spoiled and still felt unprepared for life. It's not my parent's fault, it's just the way of the world. Life can't always be easy and we can't always have our way.
Anonymous
10/12/2020 09:41
Subject: Anyone not prepared for life
Me-I'm in my mid 40s and don't feel like I am as responsible or mature as my friends.
Anonymous
10/12/2020 07:55
Subject: Anyone not prepared for life
Meh. I grew up in a nice home, but loved my independence so much that living in dirty group houses in small rooms never bothered me. A wet basement is a problem, but you must’ve been trained to be a snob if you can’t handle modest accommodations.
Anonymous
10/12/2020 07:48
Subject: Anyone not prepared for life
Anonymous wrote:I grew up very spoiled. As an adult I'm realizing what a disservice this was. I still hold onto a lot of unrealistic expectations and fantasies about life. It's hard for me to accept compromise and life's harsh realities. Anyone ever get through something like this?
I grew up in a really nice house and it was very, very difficult for me to live in the slumlord apartments around college campuses in undergrad and grad school. Going from a brand new 5000sqft house that is constantly spotless to a 70 year old basement apartment that has about 5.6 unidentifiable and probably toxic smells, dust that drops from seemingly nowhere and kitchen cabinets falling apart is terrible. I eventually worked my way back but honestly after 8 years of slumming it, I don't think I ever would have gotten used to the kind of apartments that go for ~1k per month.
Anonymous
10/12/2020 07:45
Subject: Anyone not prepared for life
You’re an adult. Work on anything you want to change. Can’t blame your upbringing forever.
Anonymous
10/12/2020 05:03
Subject: Anyone not prepared for life
I grew up very spoiled. As an adult I'm realizing what a disservice this was. I still hold onto a lot of unrealistic expectations and fantasies about life. It's hard for me to accept compromise and life's harsh realities. Anyone ever get through something like this?