Compared to most DCUM mom/daughters we probably have a good relationship, but also rocky enough that I'm questioning whether I want her around to help after the birth of my baby. My advice would be to take hints about which of your behaviors push her away. My mom repeats the same annoying, overbearing, and judgmental things over and over and most of the time I just don't to deal with them. She also always complains about my dad and brother/SIL to me, putting me in the middle.

I have one adult daughter, one teen and two tween daughters.

Listen without judgment, and find things to compliment. I've also found it useful to simultaneously remind myself how I felt and approached life at their ages while also reminding myself they are not me.

Also, inviting them to Starbucks goes a long way.

They turn 19

Here’s the good and bad of my relationship with my mom:

The bad: she wasn’t a good listener. Always interrupted me. Always tried to fix, when I really just wanted her to listen. Would not validate my feelings. Instead of “I’m sorry that hurt you” it was “don’t be sad!! A lot of people have it worse than you.”

The good: I was heavy in adolescence and she never once criticized my body or shamed me in any way about that. It helped me love myself for who I am. She would drop everything to help me if I was in trouble. This was before Uber, but if I ever called her in the middle of the night because my friend who was driving had started drinking, she would pick me and anyone else up and give them a ride home no anger, no judgment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was embarrassing and annoying, but she NEVER criticized my looks or clothes and never took my teenage sassy attitudes and rebellions too seriously. I wasn't always nice to her but I always felt safe with her. I would talk to her in a show offy kind of way, trying poses out. She always seemed interested though looking back I must have been insufferable.

She and my sister had a different relationship. She criticized her a lot more. Worried about her more. They are best friends now and my mom is 100% accepting of her (though she is a mess) in ways she wasn't at all ages 10-20. They fought like crazy.

So it may be more personality driven than anything you can do.

But don't criticize looks.

OP here. Thank you for this. You hit on several things that make me think of my relationship with my own mom. She was very critical, in an invasive way, of my appearance, how I dressed, etc. I think often she thought she was helping me. As an adult, I’ve talked in therapy about the idea that my mom overidentified with me and was working out a lot of her feelings of self-loathing on me. It’s the biggest reason we are distant now— I always feel like she is trying to draw me into her own self-hating and self-destructive patterns.

But it’s good to hear a story of someone who weathered the tough teen years with that relationship intact. My husband and I were just talking about how tough tweens and teens can be, but how so much of it us just driven by hormonal shifts and the inherent discomfort with your body and place in the world in that time. But it sounds like your mom didn’t take that stuff personally, which is my goal too.

This was very much the dynamic between my mom and I, too, and one I try really hard to avoid with my DD. I will say that when puberty hits, there’s a very delicate line between trying to help your DD learn to take good care of her body and potentially making her feel criticized. Particularly if your kid doesn’t naturally care much about her looks. It’s one of the things I love the most about my daughter—that she really doesn’t care if she fits in with mainstream ideals—but it also sets her up for teasing/shunning/etc. which is obviously really hard to watch as a parent. (And if you spend enough time in the tween/teen forum here, you’ll start to feel like a failure if you don’t have a dermatologist on speed dial from age 9.)

Always listen and respond in way that shows you’ve heard her thoughts, even if you disagree or have to correct or guide. Once she is in HS, think of your role as coach—advise, but give her space for her own decisions and mistakes.

Be kind above all else (I expect you are already), include her in things she is interested in taking part in. I would go into the kitchen when my mother was cooking and she'd shout for me to get out as I was "in the way" -so I never learned to cook from her.

Don't have battles over anything. I would model getting her to take responsibility for things early on so its not an argument later - tidying her room, cleaning up plates, doing minor chores. The good thing is 4 year olds love chores so its a great time to start then. I know your DD is 3.

I expect that simply because you're conscious of this, you are half way there to solving it yourself already. Your concern not to repeat mistakes will help alert you to their possibility before they happen.

Anonymous wrote:My mom was embarrassing and annoying, but she NEVER criticized my looks or clothes and never took my teenage sassy attitudes and rebellions too seriously. I wasn't always nice to her but I always felt safe with her. I would talk to her in a show offy kind of way, trying poses out. She always seemed interested though looking back I must have been insufferable.

She and my sister had a different relationship. She criticized her a lot more. Worried about her more. They are best friends now and my mom is 100% accepting of her (though she is a mess) in ways she wasn't at all ages 10-20. They fought like crazy.

So it may be more personality driven than anything you can do.

But don't criticize looks.

OP here. Thank you for this. You hit on several things that make me think of my relationship with my own mom. She was very critical, in an invasive way, of my appearance, how I dressed, etc. I think often she thought she was helping me. As an adult, I’ve talked in therapy about the idea that my mom overidentified with me and was working out a lot of her feelings of self-loathing on me. It’s the biggest reason we are distant now— I always feel like she is trying to draw me into her own self-hating and self-destructive patterns.

But it’s good to hear a story of someone who weathered the tough teen years with that relationship intact. My husband and I were just talking about how tough tweens and teens can be, but how so much of it us just driven by hormonal shifts and the inherent discomfort with your body and place in the world in that time. But it sounds like your mom didn’t take that stuff personally, which is my goal too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is only 3 (and still thinks I hung the moon). But I have a terrible relationship with my mom and we've never gotten along, starting when I was school age.

If you have a great relationship with your mom, what do you think helped make it that way? In particular, how did you get through adolescence and teen years with that bond intact?

My mom had mental health issues that really impacted our relationship, especially during my adolescent years. I'm not worried about that, but without a good model for this relationship, I sometimes worry that I could repeat the same patterns. Would just love to hear what people appreciate about the better experiences they had and what you think matters the most in keeping those relationships strong.

Hi OP, I could’ve written your post (except my mom doesn’t know we have a bad (emotionally distant in my case) relationship because we live far away which makes it easy to fake it. My brother doesn’t have kids but he had the best advice that I’ve always remembered—he said a “bad” role model is still very useful. You know what you don’t want to do. As a mom of two, I would add that I enjoy the chance to “redo”
what she (mom) didn’t do. I get an added sense of fulfillment to be very present for my kids, and keeping a friendly tone and soft/smiling face. (With teens that switches to being available and kind and understanding when they’re moody).

+1

Just love her. Be real, she will see it and trust you. Be to her who your mom couldn’t be to you. But don’t put your past on her. Learn about who she is too and what matters to her, and love her in a way that makes sense to her. Kids have a love language too. You and your daughter have a beautiful relationship ahead.

My mom was embarrassing and annoying, but she NEVER criticized my looks or clothes and never took my teenage sassy attitudes and rebellions too seriously. I wasn't always nice to her but I always felt safe with her. I would talk to her in a show offy kind of way, trying poses out. She always seemed interested though looking back I must have been insufferable.

She and my sister had a different relationship. She criticized her a lot more. Worried about her more. They are best friends now and my mom is 100% accepting of her (though she is a mess) in ways she wasn't at all ages 10-20. They fought like crazy.

So it may be more personality driven than anything you can do.

But don't criticize looks.

Anonymous wrote:^ I also keep mental notes when I hear things from other moms. From that I have taken them out alone for lunches, movies, Mani/pedi’s—whatever fits but it’s a special time together.

I agree with this, it’s all about bonding.

My mom and I had a horribly tumultuous and at times, downright volatile relationship when I was in my late teens. But even though she was always my mother first, she was also my confidant and buddy. We had our “things” that bonded us.

Bless her heart, every Wednesday she would suffer through episodes of 90210 with me. When I was older, SATC became our thing (we saw both movies together when I was in my 20s.)

We trained for a 5k together, in the summer we rode bikes every evening.

I remember Friday evening trips to the mall for a new shirt or jeans to wear out with friends, or later boyfriends, on Saturday nights. It felt like we went every weekend! We’d always stop for a soda and treat in the food court where we would people watch. If we weren’t at the mall we were at the library snagging Janet Evanovich novels, then we’d discuss them.

My own DD is 9 and I soon hope to start these types of traditions with her.

My adult daughter can be very moody and is unlike me in many ways. Even so, we are very close. We talk literally everyday. She lives in another state and she comes to see me several times a year and I go to see her several times a year as well. When she was a teen our relationship was sometimes difficult because she was a bit rebellious and obnoxious. Since she became an adult, however, we have gotten along well. She is occasionally difficult to tolerate and I know I sometimes annoy her. Generally, though, it's all good. I'd say the reason we have a good relationship is because we both want to. Don't give your daughter any reason to not want to be around you or to be close whether you are nearby or not.

This does not mean you should be her "buddy" when she is a kid or a teen. Always be the mom. Be her friend when she's an adult.

^ I also keep mental notes when I hear things from other moms. From that I have taken them out alone for lunches, movies, Mani/pedi’s—whatever fits but it’s a special time together.

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is only 3 (and still thinks I hung the moon). But I have a terrible relationship with my mom and we've never gotten along, starting when I was school age.

If you have a great relationship with your mom, what do you think helped make it that way? In particular, how did you get through adolescence and teen years with that bond intact?

My mom had mental health issues that really impacted our relationship, especially during my adolescent years. I'm not worried about that, but without a good model for this relationship, I sometimes worry that I could repeat the same patterns. Would just love to hear what people appreciate about the better experiences they had and what you think matters the most in keeping those relationships strong.

Hi OP, I could’ve written your post (except my mom doesn’t know we have a bad (emotionally distant in my case) relationship because we live far away which makes it easy to fake it. My brother doesn’t have kids but he had the best advice that I’ve always remembered—he said a “bad” role model is still very useful. You know what you don’t want to do. As a mom of two, I would add that I enjoy the chance to “redo”
what she (mom) didn’t do. I get an added sense of fulfillment to be very present for my kids, and keeping a friendly tone and soft/smiling face. (With teens that switches to being available and kind and understanding when they’re moody).

My daughter is only 3 (and still thinks I hung the moon). But I have a terrible relationship with my mom and we've never gotten along, starting when I was school age.

If you have a great relationship with your mom, what do you think helped make it that way? In particular, how did you get through adolescence and teen years with that bond intact?

My mom had mental health issues that really impacted our relationship, especially during my adolescent years. I'm not worried about that, but without a good model for this relationship, I sometimes worry that I could repeat the same patterns. Would just love to hear what people appreciate about the better experiences they had and what you think matters the most in keeping those relationships strong.