She’s MENTALLY ILL.

Don’t call it forgetfulness.
This is a very impaired individual you’re dealing with.
She should be brought to a specialist for an early on set Alzheimer’s diagnosis. Perhaps it’s the drug use and not dementia, or both, but she needs to be evaluated seriously.

Your father needs a break. He has to hire someone, and will be able to have some semblance of a life.

I also think meeting them outside of your house may help a little. Perhaps part of your anger is because she is in your space. If you can meet outside at a park, your dad can see the kids but they can also stay further away.

You also need to better prep your kids. My son learned not to question grandpa and grandpa woukd say weird things.

My heart goes out to to you. I think it is wonderful that you are doing what you can to stay connected to your dad. This sounds really hard.

When my mom had dementia I found myself managing her like you would a small child. I treated her respectfully but I didn't expect anything she said to be correct and I often managed her behavior similarly to if she was a little kid.

So, it might help if you let go of any expectation that she is a functioning adult. Also, you can use extreme forgetfulness in your favor by saying things that calm her in the moment but that won't actually happen, like "I'll take you to the store tomorrow." or similar.

Regardless of the reason, your mom’s brain does not retain information. So repeating the same thing over and over, or trying to correct her will never work.

Read up on how to talk with dementia patients. You have to go with the flow and mirror their feelings.

Are kids in the basement?
Yes they are. (Doesn’t matter that there isn’t a basement. It closed the loop in her head)

I use a lot of “you must feel sad” “that must make you angry”

In many ways it’s like dealing with toddler tantrums.

Can you you have a somewhat candid conversation with your father and figure out if there's a way you can have a relationship with him without her?

Where was your father while your mother was abusing you? Are you sure you want a relationship with your mother's enabler?

You should try EMDR for the trauma of growing up with her. It was seriously life changing for me.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve posted here before about my moms 20+ year prescription drug use, and how growing up she was beyond abusive. Due to her mental heath issues, and drug use she’s had strokes and many other health problems. My dad comes to visit once a month and of course has to bring her because she cannot/will not care For herself. Today she was getting furious at me because she kept asking me if the kids were in the basement(they were in bed) and we do not have a basement. Then she repeatedly asked me if I was working(doesn’t understand the work from home thing) and couldn’t remember what I did for a living. (I’ve been a teacher for 10 years.) She also caused my 4yr old to have a meltdown because my mom asked her to throw a styrofoam cup for in the sink and when my DD told her those go in the trash, she screamed at her to never correct a grown up.


I don’t know whether the forgetfulness is because of her strokes, dementia, drugs, mental illness, or her inability to listen to anyone when they speak(she’s never been able to hold a back and forth conversation) but I do not have patience for it. I realize I should be more sympathetic, but no matter how hard I try, it infuriates me when she yells at all of us for not understanding her nonsense and often rude/mean questions and comments. I know some of it at this point is out of her control, but it was no better when I was 8. I couldn’t have play dates because she would fall on them, spill stuff on them, talk crazy and even become explosive.

I can’t cut my dad out of my life, I love him so much, and my kids adore him. However he would never be able to come without her, she would become even more abusive to him than she already she is. I have done years of therapy and I no longer expect her to ever be able admit and wrongdoing or her to be a better mom. Yet, I still can not find it in me to be understanding or patient of her behavior and forgetfulness. I realized this makes me sound heartless...I just can’t forgive her.

It is a problem that you've done years of therapy and you're still stuck in this continued anger pattern. You also need to learn better coping skills for working with your mom. You need to get a different/better therapist.

Anonymous wrote:I guess I should also add my mom is only 58

-OP

As a 52 year-old, I just want to say I’m sorry, op. I was picturing an 80-year old little old lady. That’s terrible, and I can understand why you’d be so upset. She is who she is, and it sounds like who she is is pretty awful . I wish I had advice for you.

Anonymous wrote:Well, clearly your mother was never mentally healthy. Not her fault - ignore her or just tell your dad to give her some medication to calm her down or even make her sleepy - hopefully she will spend most of her time sleeping in bed and leaving everyone alone.

That's a ridiculous suggestion.

I’m sorry op. It’s so hard to be the “parent” of the relationship when you’re the kid and you don’t want/need that responsibility. You just want to let go and not have to be on edge around her and worry about what she’s going to say next. I don’t think there’s much you can do without cutting off your dad. Maybe when Covid is over you can ask him to hire a caretaker/adult babysitter for her every other time he visits so you get a reprieve. Otherwise you’re going to have to practice “radical acceptance” to get through the times you’re together.

Hugs.

Well, clearly your mother was never mentally healthy. Not her fault - ignore her or just tell your dad to give her some medication to calm her down or even make her sleepy - hopefully she will spend most of her time sleeping in bed and leaving everyone alone.

I'm sorry , OP. Your mom is not well, and it sounds like she never was, and abused drugs as a form of self medication.

As for your dad, you can do what pp suggested meet in a park or something mom can come too, if her behavior becomes too much you pack up and leave.

I would not have them over to your house if you do and mom's behavior isn't appropriate they are asked to leave.

Do not feel bad about putting this boundary in place with your dad, he didn't protect you from your mom as a child as was his job. He made that choice then. He can see you now ny accepting your terms or not. His choice.

You have to protect yourself and your childen now.

I guess I should also add my mom is only 58

-OP

Can you guys go to your parents' town and have your dad meet you for lunch at a restaurant near him, and then go to a park for your kids to run around? Would he leave your mom home for that?

I’ve posted here before about my moms 20+ year prescription drug use, and how growing up she was beyond abusive. Due to her mental heath issues, and drug use she’s had strokes and many other health problems. My dad comes to visit once a month and of course has to bring her because she cannot/will not care For herself. Today she was getting furious at me because she kept asking me if the kids were in the basement(they were in bed) and we do not have a basement. Then she repeatedly asked me if I was working(doesn’t understand the work from home thing) and couldn’t remember what I did for a living. (I’ve been a teacher for 10 years.) She also caused my 4yr old to have a meltdown because my mom asked her to throw a styrofoam cup for in the sink and when my DD told her those go in the trash, she screamed at her to never correct a grown up.


I don’t know whether the forgetfulness is because of her strokes, dementia, drugs, mental illness, or her inability to listen to anyone when they speak(she’s never been able to hold a back and forth conversation) but I do not have patience for it. I realize I should be more sympathetic, but no matter how hard I try, it infuriates me when she yells at all of us for not understanding her nonsense and often rude/mean questions and comments. I know some of it at this point is out of her control, but it was no better when I was 8. I couldn’t have play dates because she would fall on them, spill stuff on them, talk crazy and even become explosive.

I can’t cut my dad out of my life, I love him so much, and my kids adore him. However he would never be able to come without her, she would become even more abusive to him than she already she is. I have done years of therapy and I no longer expect her to ever be able admit and wrongdoing or her to be a better mom. Yet, I still can not find it in me to be understanding or patient of her behavior and forgetfulness. I realized this makes me sound heartless...I just can’t forgive her.