Yeah, as an allergy parent, even one who's fairly low-key, there's nothing totally rational about it. It's all about what you can and can't control.

When we rented a house with family, it was still scary when my niece wanted to have PB sandwich, or someone bought sesame bagels to toast in the same toaster we'd use for my kid's toast. But, at the playground, you just don't have that control (though I did leave a playground once when I saw someone feeding their kid Bamba; it blew my mind). We try to be fairly low key so we don't create fear of food in my kid.

It's also about fitting in. It's pretty shitty for an allergy kid to see everyone enjoying ice cream from a shop if they can't too. They will get used to being left out in certain situations, like birthday parties, but when it's just family you feel like everyone should consider making a sacrifice so your kid doesn't feel so left out. Again, it's not entirely rational; it's 90% just personal feelings and being heartbroken and scared for your kid all. the. freaking. time.

Best thing we've done is go through Oral Immunotherapy. My peanut allergic kid eats 8 peanuts a day now and we're about to start on tree nuts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP nothing you say or do is going to change this. She fears for his life, quite literally. We had a neighbor whose son had a heart condition and when she wasn't angry with everyone for being healthy she was blaming them for the slightest cold he caught, even if it turned out he had given it to everyone else.

It is a kind of madness I'd not wish upon anyone.

I think it's this.

But Op said she wasn’t worried about the peanut butter jelly on the picnic tables and playgrounds at the park.

If I were you I would probably limit my vacations with them and find things to do that are maybe just at their house so she feels more in control of the environment.

So? Madness does not follow through with entirely rational results. Ever.

I think if you were in her shoes your behaviors may be wacky, too. Have some more empathy.

She was outside of her normal routine and comfort zone. Her behavior in a rental house that she was sharing with another family was probably not like her behavior in her own home, where she is in full control of her behavior and environment.

Maybe she learned that renting a house with others is a bad fit. But again, your reaction is less than empathetic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP nothing you say or do is going to change this. She fears for his life, quite literally. We had a neighbor whose son had a heart condition and when she wasn't angry with everyone for being healthy she was blaming them for the slightest cold he caught, even if it turned out he had given it to everyone else.

It is a kind of madness I'd not wish upon anyone.

I think it's this.

But Op said she wasn’t worried about the peanut butter jelly on the picnic tables and playgrounds at the park.

If I were you I would probably limit my vacations with them and find things to do that are maybe just at their house so she feels more in control of the environment.

My DD would break out in massive hives if someone ate something she was allergic to and then touched her. That said, Carry around wipes and have your kids wipe their hands off after they eat. I am conscious of other people’s allergies or food preferences and do make adjustments and appreciate them being done for my family, but I don’t go crazy about it. Your sister seems to be strung a bit too tight.

I absorbed some of this worry when my kids were younger. They don't have allergies but I packed allergy-free lunches even though they were allowed to bring some items and keep them separate from the classmates with allergies.

If they had pb for breakfast I'd make them wash their hands and faces well before school. I knew I'd feel horrible if my kids had some part in setting off another's dangerous allergies. I own my anxiousness about it, but they were too young to be extra careful around classmates, you know?

All of this is to say I can't imagine what a mother goes through when common food can literally kill her child. OP decline extended visits.

Anonymous wrote:OP nothing you say or do is going to change this. She fears for his life, quite literally. We had a neighbor whose son had a heart condition and when she wasn't angry with everyone for being healthy she was blaming them for the slightest cold he caught, even if it turned out he had given it to everyone else.

It is a kind of madness I'd not wish upon anyone.

I think it's this.

It seems she's of the minset that family shoul show support like how some families are with alcohol when one member has a problem the entire family doesn't drink in support.

It seems she's looking for you to o the same.


Anyway she can be as vigilint as she wants. You can also decline vacations with them if it's not going to be a pleasant experience.

OP nothing you say or do is going to change this. She fears for his life, quite literally. We had a neighbor whose son had a heart condition and when she wasn't angry with everyone for being healthy she was blaming them for the slightest cold he caught, even if it turned out he had given it to everyone else.

It is a kind of madness I'd not wish upon anyone.

I'm totally on board with respecting allergy-related restrictions at school etc (no tree nuts etc). Your description of your SIL sounds hard to be around though, in part because it doesn't sound consistent. Kids aren't allowed to get ice cream on boardwalk because it might stay on their lips and contaminate him? My guess is more she didn't want your kids having it if hers couldn't. But she's going to have to find a way to live this as a parent and more importantly teach him to live with his allergies and not feel like a freak about them.

My kids don’t have allergies, but I never let them take PB to playgrounds or eat it in a shopping cart for example. I can’t imagine how scared I would be if my kids were that allergic, so I would never want to be the one who caused an allergic reaction. It’s easy for you to accommodate her so she can be less afraid of the world—suggesting therapy may just create a rift. Just be there for her, make it easy.

How old is your nephew? Has he been rushed to the ER in the past for his allergies? The fear of your child dying in your arms is real for many parents of kids with food allergies and I would think, (not having a kid with allergies) that you'd hover more when it was possible to do so (can't hover when school is regularly in session, for example.)

Anonymous wrote:It seems the older he gets, the more obsessed she becomes.

I don't have personal experience, but it must be extremely stressful for a parent who has been in protective mode to have a child growing older and more independent.

I'd let it go. Her family = her choices.

But I'd skip weekends away with them or vacation.
It's honestly a pain in the neck for people around them.

I don’t know how to post this without sounding like a completely condescending asshole, but hear me out.

Because I can’t relate firsthand, I don’t know if this is typical or if it’s extreme anxiety. My school aged nephew is allergic to pretty much everything. He’s basically the boy from My Girl but with the modern convenience of readily available epinephrine. I’m NOT trying to minimize this, please don’t misconstrue, but I am worried about my sister as he gets older, because you’d think she would relax a little?

It seems the older he gets, the more obsessed she becomes. We took a little long weekend this summer with them to a rental, and I’m not kidding when I say every thing we did revolves around my nephew and his safety. Our kids weren’t allowed to get ice cream on the boardwalk because it may have been contaminated and could remain on their lips. Food couldn’t be placed in the pantry because someone may have had PB in there previously. When we ate at a burger joint, she was really upset we all didn’t omit cheese, because traces could linger on our fingers and we may touch something he might put in his mouth.

But it’s weird because she didn’t worry at the little playground where people were openly picnicking, that a kid could have eaten a PBJ and not washed his hands before touching the same monkey bars my nephew was. Does that make sense?

Is this normal or is this something I should talk to my BIL about? He sees it but acts like it’s normal. And maybe it is normal. If it is, by all means put me in my place!