Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may have to hire a certified home health aide. Let them know exactly what you need. They should be able to help.

However - the way you describe your mom makes me wonder if she will agree to all of this - allowing someone outside the family to help, paying for it, etc. Will that conversation be any easier than the car ride itself?

By the way - if your mom calls you an “over-sensitive baby” then so be it. It sounds like you find it incredibly difficult not to internalize her abuse. I’m glad you are setting boundaries so you don’t compromise your own health and well-being. But perhaps some CBT to give you some tools in your toolbox to manage these overwhelming feelings triggered by your mother’s behavior,, would be beneficial.

OP here. Thanks. Therapy is what helped me decide to say no to ever driving her to a procedure again and to set boundaries. I have done CBT and when she is shrill and angry no amount of CBT makes it easier which is why I need to step back. She does not have a choice. She either accepts someone else takes her or she is on her own. The conversation is easier than dealing with her because the line is drawn. I will provide resources and if she rejects it all or refuses to pay (and she's loaded and tries to manipulate with that as well) that is on her. I do what I feel is right which is research options by getting ideas here and other places and then seeing what reviews I can find, etc. If she lashes out and calls me a selfish horrible child (wait she already did that when I brought it up) it is not nearly as painful as anticipating dealing with her, actually dealing with her for the ordeal when her anxiety is high and then recovering from dealing with her.) Basically by doing this I convince myself yes, I may be into self-care enough to refuse a situation where the abuse is not escapable, but I am not so selfish that I won't help her locate people she can pay to help her.

Sounds like you’ve got it just right!

I don’t know where you live, but Corewood care offers a variety of services, and if they can’t help you, I imagine they can refer you elsewhere. They also have geriatric care managers, who are very familiar with the ins and outs of the impact of complicated family and interpersonal dynamics on elder care. They are familiar with community resources and care options.

Regardless, I would use a certified and licensed agency - they are more expensive, but also more trustworthy because they are regulated by the state, and won’t leave your mother in the lurch.

Anonymous wrote:You may have to hire a certified home health aide. Let them know exactly what you need. They should be able to help.

However - the way you describe your mom makes me wonder if she will agree to all of this - allowing someone outside the family to help, paying for it, etc. Will that conversation be any easier than the car ride itself?

By the way - if your mom calls you an “over-sensitive baby” then so be it. It sounds like you find it incredibly difficult not to internalize her abuse. I’m glad you are setting boundaries so you don’t compromise your own health and well-being. But perhaps some CBT to give you some tools in your toolbox to manage these overwhelming feelings triggered by your mother’s behavior,, would be beneficial.

OP here. Thanks. Therapy is what helped me decide to say no to ever driving her to a procedure again and to set boundaries. I have done CBT and when she is shrill and angry no amount of CBT makes it easier which is why I need to step back. She does not have a choice. She either accepts someone else takes her or she is on her own. The conversation is easier than dealing with her because the line is drawn. I will provide resources and if she rejects it all or refuses to pay (and she's loaded and tries to manipulate with that as well) that is on her. I do what I feel is right which is research options by getting ideas here and other places and then seeing what reviews I can find, etc. If she lashes out and calls me a selfish horrible child (wait she already did that when I brought it up) it is not nearly as painful as anticipating dealing with her, actually dealing with her for the ordeal when her anxiety is high and then recovering from dealing with her.) Basically by doing this I convince myself yes, I may be into self-care enough to refuse a situation where the abuse is not escapable, but I am not so selfish that I won't help her locate people she can pay to help her.

You may have to hire a certified home health aide. Let them know exactly what you need. They should be able to help.

However - the way you describe your mom makes me wonder if she will agree to all of this - allowing someone outside the family to help, paying for it, etc. Will that conversation be any easier than the car ride itself?

By the way - if your mom calls you an “over-sensitive baby” then so be it. It sounds like you find it incredibly difficult not to internalize her abuse. I’m glad you are setting boundaries so you don’t compromise your own health and well-being. But perhaps some CBT to give you some tools in your toolbox to manage these overwhelming feelings triggered by your mother’s behavior,, would be beneficial.

Anonymous wrote:Check for senior services in your area. Most medical centers and hospitals have free transportation for their elderly patients. You need to inquire,

Yes, but do they have people to monitor them after (for pay?) A lot can go wrong in the 24 hours after a procedure. I would check on her, but if she becomes combative or if I need to attend to my own family or work I want to be able to leave her with someone who can recognize when/if it's time to call 911 or just someone who can get her food and beverage while she rests on the sofa. If she were mild mannered I would do this, but she will only be mild for strangers and I don't just lose the time I am with her, I need days of recovery physically and mentally after dealing with her mood swings. She refuses to take meds that helped her not be so eruptive because when she took them she said she could not tell a difference and those meds are only for crazy people ?!

Check for senior services in your area. Most medical centers and hospitals have free transportation for their elderly patients. You need to inquire,

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fairfax County has a whole department for Family Services - Older Adults (Meals on Wheels, Aging in Place, Assistance with Groceries, etc, etc).

NV Rides is what the County goes with last time I checked.

https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/health/neighbor

Thank you. Is this regardless of finances? She has plenty of money to spend on services so, if it's need based she won't qualify.

Last time I checked (I used to be a volunteer Meals on Wheels driver), the bar was set fairly low.
Definitely worth pursuing.

Also, ask on your local Nextdoor listsrrve.. We have a lot of willing folks, teens/Scours looking for service hours, and the like that are willing to volunteer their time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: This is just for procedures requiring a separate driver and caregiver. She still drives otherwise, though that within the next few years we will need a driver for her. She can afford to pay well for someone good.

The last I did this for my mother I ended up with a 3 day migraine and an emergency therapy appointment from the stress of her criticizing my driving and being difficult and controlling/pushing buttons. I was still recovering from a tantrum she had at me a previous week. I think she would behave better for a sweet stranger who is being paid. Basically, the person would need to drive her to procedure, stay with her and then be there in case of emergency during recovery. I too would when possible/work/family life allows show up for procedure and check on things after. For any major procedure I would definitely be there, but cannot be her primary person. I need to be able to quickly leave and know she is well-cared for if she takes out her anxiety on me. Also, I absolutely cannot drive her anymore. It never goes well and I am afraid I will get into an accident. I tried bringing a grandchild or 2 as a buffer, but if she is agitated enough she is nasty to me in front of them and it really upsets them. As I said, she behaves better for outsiders and can actually be quite charming.

OMG why are you even helping her? Your mother sounds awful! Let her "quite charming" self figure this out on her own!

Thanks. My mother's response would be "My god you're a sensitive baby!" It's so complicated and multi-faceted. I think most people who know her would never believe what she is like to me...sometimes. Sometimes, I see the pleasant side.

Anonymous wrote:Fairfax County has a whole department for Family Services - Older Adults (Meals on Wheels, Aging in Place, Assistance with Groceries, etc, etc).

NV Rides is what the County goes with last time I checked.

https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/health/neighbor

Thank you. Is this regardless of finances? She has plenty of money to spend on services so, if it's need based she won't qualify.

Fairfax County has a whole department for Family Services - Older Adults (Meals on Wheels, Aging in Place, Assistance with Groceries, etc, etc).

NV Rides is what the County goes with last time I checked.

https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/health/neighbor

Anonymous wrote: This is just for procedures requiring a separate driver and caregiver. She still drives otherwise, though that within the next few years we will need a driver for her. She can afford to pay well for someone good.

The last I did this for my mother I ended up with a 3 day migraine and an emergency therapy appointment from the stress of her criticizing my driving and being difficult and controlling/pushing buttons. I was still recovering from a tantrum she had at me a previous week. I think she would behave better for a sweet stranger who is being paid. Basically, the person would need to drive her to procedure, stay with her and then be there in case of emergency during recovery. I too would when possible/work/family life allows show up for procedure and check on things after. For any major procedure I would definitely be there, but cannot be her primary person. I need to be able to quickly leave and know she is well-cared for if she takes out her anxiety on me. Also, I absolutely cannot drive her anymore. It never goes well and I am afraid I will get into an accident. I tried bringing a grandchild or 2 as a buffer, but if she is agitated enough she is nasty to me in front of them and it really upsets them. As I said, she behaves better for outsiders and can actually be quite charming.

OMG why are you even helping her? Your mother sounds awful! Let her "quite charming" self figure this out on her own!

Sorry...I meant to say PLEASE Recommend a service

This is just for procedures requiring a separate driver and caregiver. She still drives otherwise, though that within the next few years we will need a driver for her. She can afford to pay well for someone good.

The last I did this for my mother I ended up with a 3 day migraine and an emergency therapy appointment from the stress of her criticizing my driving and being difficult and controlling/pushing buttons. I was still recovering from a tantrum she had at me a previous week. I think she would behave better for a sweet stranger who is being paid. Basically, the person would need to drive her to procedure, stay with her and then be there in case of emergency during recovery. I too would when possible/work/family life allows show up for procedure and check on things after. For any major procedure I would definitely be there, but cannot be her primary person. I need to be able to quickly leave and know she is well-cared for if she takes out her anxiety on me. Also, I absolutely cannot drive her anymore. It never goes well and I am afraid I will get into an accident. I tried bringing a grandchild or 2 as a buffer, but if she is agitated enough she is nasty to me in front of them and it really upsets them. As I said, she behaves better for outsiders and can actually be quite charming.