Anonymous wrote:Op here - Thank you all. I really appreciate it. I agree, this is trauma related. And I feel so much for him.

Honestly, I don’t think he has the bandwidth or inclination to address it fully now... or possibly ever. This is hard stuff.

Is it worth talking to him about it at all? Let him know I love him and am concerned about what I am seeing? Thoughts?

I would start by asking him about the “food all over his hands and face” when your daughter is not present — if you feel you can do it with gentle
curiosity and if this is genuinely as unusual as you’re describing it — vs say, messily eating messy types of food. Not knowing your husband, my take would probably be to comment on how fast he’s eating — and wonder if eating slower and more mindfully could make it more enjoyable for him. I would wonder if he needs to hear and see that there’s plenty — enough to eat as much as he wants.

I recently did a 21 day series of meditations by Jon Gabriel (who lost over 200 lbs himself). One of the things that resonated with me was hearing him say: “You’re safe. You’re safe. It’s safe for you to lose weight.” Fat can be protective. Eating frantically can feel like a survival skill — if his history includes the experience of not getting “enough” of all kinds of care and nurturing. As others have said, some of this is professional level stuff. But if he’s gone from eating normally to what you’re describing during your relationship, I think it would be a loving thing to ask him what might have changed for him.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe those weren’t the best examples. His portion size is 2-3 times the average, he often makes himself a sandwich after dinner, he is totally sedentary. He is probably 5’9” and 300 lbs. His BMI is about 44. His knees hurt when he walks. His doctor is very concerned.

And... he shovels food, gets it all over his hands and face.

I'm him. But I'm a woman. I was 277 and am 5'6". The eating is a way to deal with stress, like people who drink alcohol for stress. I had to lose the stress to be able to lose the weight. Intellectually, I always knew what I had to do, but it's at a deeper level that that. It's a very emotional issue. I've lost 50 pounds and I'm confident I can lose the 40 more I want to lose. For the first time in my life.

Some thoughts:

It took COVID to get my butt in gear. Not just the fear of extreme illness due to my weight alone, but the life change it gave me. I no longer had hours of commute time on the road before and after work. I can cook at home for three meals, take my time, and make something I really enjoy. I think the key for your husband is finding that relief first from the stress. Is he still working outside the home? Do you know exactly what's stressing him? COVID? Racial unrest? Worried about his job? Does he have underlying anxiety or depression? If so, working on that can help. SSRIs make you gain weight. But other anti-depressants like Wellbutrin don't. So there are some choices out there.

Has his doctor suggested anything? My doctors were useless. They just told me to lose weight. Duh. Easier said than done. Nobody suggested a nutritionist, a therapist, or drugs (not that I wanted to take them at my age).

Finally, I have been using noom, which really gets into the emotions and mindfulness (or lack thereof) of why you eat. He might find it helpful.

While you can approach him about it, "he" has to want to do it. Nobody was going to motivate me from the outside. It had to be from the inside. But it's nice to have supportive people around you.

And oddly, following people on instagram who have lost 100+ pounds really helps me with daily inspiration. Maybe that visual will help him. There are plenty of men on insta who have lost this much weight #obesetobeast

And if he thinks in terms of small goals, it makes it easier. Get into the next lower 10 pound category. If he's 300, have him aim for 290. Then 280. Losing 5% of your weight makes a difference. When he hits a 15 pound weight loss, he should know he's improved his health a bit. 10% is even better.


I hope some of this is helpful. I know it's really hard.

OP, I don't think this is something you alone can tackle. If you talk to him, it needs to be about getting professional help. I wouldn't bring it up otherwise.

Op here - Thank you all. I really appreciate it. I agree, this is trauma related. And I feel so much for him.

Honestly, I don’t think he has the bandwidth or inclination to address it fully now... or possibly ever. This is hard stuff.

Is it worth talking to him about it at all? Let him know I love him and am concerned about what I am seeing? Thoughts?

Anonymous wrote:I’m very fat and come from a similar background. He’s in pain and food temporarily blocks it out. Also, you need to understand: there is no feeling full. I have honestly never felt full in my adult life. I can always eat more. I am always always always wanting to eat.

The only time I have gotten relief from constant hunger was after ketamine treatments for severe depression and, ironically, during extended fasting. After about Day 3, I stop feeling hungry. I still want to eat because eating brings great comfort, but complete fasting (with just water, salt, and black tea) has helped.

He needs extensive trauma work. It is not weakness any more than your need to breathe is. It’s his only way of bringing some relief to constant, unrelenting stress response in his brain. Even if he may be safe with you, he doesn’t know that. And your disgust toward him doesn’t help. You chose him. Choose to see his pain rather than the ugliness of it. Choose to see how he is suffering and this provides temporary relief. See if you can be a partner with him in relieving this pain.

Thanks for sharing PP. I really feel for you.

For me, I want to add that unless I find something as soothing, pleasing, distracting, entertaining as eating, it honestly would be a challenge to ever feel good. I don't have many feel-good chemicals available to me and meds aren't helpful. They might be helpful for your husband. If he could get really into (for example) tracking steps on his apple watch (like Jeff of DCUM shared) or peloton or hiking or taking your daughter on new trails) he might find a new way to self-soothe. Doing it to ease his daughter's concern may be the key.

Anonymous wrote:It’s an addiction. He needs professional help, or he will eat himself to death. Literally. You should find an eating disorder program for him, and tell him if he doesn’t do it the marriage is over. You should approach this like alcoholism or drug addiction.

This, unfortunately.
But, there is hope, if he is will to do work — a lot of work. Intense eating disorder therapy will deal with both the trauma and the off-track body systems. I am an obese binge eater, and am finally making progress after suffering for 20 yrs. im doing it with (and this is a lot) a combination of: EMDR (therapy to treat PTSD and CPTSD from rape, abusive family); CBT therapy (training my behaviors on when and what to eat), sleep specialist (I binge when insomniac), psychiatrist (anti anxiety meds). I have also committed to meditation and to daily walking. It’s complicated and it has been hard and sucky but I got to a place where my kids were starting to mimic my behaviors, and that scared the crap out of me. I am willing to do the work to change because I dont want them to suffer as I have.

Anonymous wrote:Call me crazy but I don't think it's the three eggs or two portions of roast chicken alone that made him obese, especially if he's a man. Does he snack on junk all day? Drink a lot of alcohol? Is he sendentary?

You can absolutely become obese by “just” overeating regular food at meals, ie you don’t have to be sedentary or eat junk all day. My dad is obese and has been most of his adult life and he is a lot like OP describes: he will get a portion 2-3x what I would consider the correct portion size and then get a second helping. He eats really fast (eating a whole meal without stopping to have a conversation with others at the table or even look up from his plate sometimes) and never seems to feel full. He also exercises (just a 30 minute walk or similar but still he’s not completely sedentary) every day and he doesn’t eat junk foods like chips or ice cream or cookies, no candy, no soda, no fried foods, etc. For the most part he actually eats pretty healthy foods—breakfast is usually granola/fiber cereal w skim milk, lunch is a turkey sandwich on wheat bread and an apple or banana, dinner is lots of vegetables, lean proteins, snacks are walnuts/almonds or yogurt or fruit. He just eats way too much of everything. Even his cereal in the morning is easily 2.5x the amount I would eat.

I’m very fat and come from a similar background. He’s in pain and food temporarily blocks it out. Also, you need to understand: there is no feeling full. I have honestly never felt full in my adult life. I can always eat more. I am always always always wanting to eat.

The only time I have gotten relief from constant hunger was after ketamine treatments for severe depression and, ironically, during extended fasting. After about Day 3, I stop feeling hungry. I still want to eat because eating brings great comfort, but complete fasting (with just water, salt, and black tea) has helped.

He needs extensive trauma work. It is not weakness any more than your need to breathe is. It’s his only way of bringing some relief to constant, unrelenting stress response in his brain. Even if he may be safe with you, he doesn’t know that. And your disgust toward him doesn’t help. You chose him. Choose to see his pain rather than the ugliness of it. Choose to see how he is suffering and this provides temporary relief. See if you can be a partner with him in relieving this pain.

I posted at 20: 34 — and had not read your responses. How long has he been eating like this? Has it gradually or suddenly gotten worse? In your place, I would have a meal with him without your daughter present, and gently ask him how he would account for the change in his eating habits. The intervention would ideally follow from what he says.

There are therapists that specialize in binge eating disorder.

First, understand that he probably IS “listening to his body”. If your body has a gentle hunger switch, his body, as you’ve suggested may not have a “hunger switch” or may have one that was overridden very early on in his life. You seem to be talking about multiple things:
-the shock that you and your daughter feel
- his weight
- his eating habits
- what he actually eats
- and his history of on-going severe trauma

They are interrelated, but not necessarily amenable to one intervention.

You may view it different since, of course, you know him.

Of these — or other — factors, which one do you think your husband would feel the most comfortable working on? Talking about? Owning as a challenge that he would like to change?

I would suggest focusing on something other than his weight first. Would he be interested in interventions that address the trauma? Often people are willing to do this to learn how to build healthier family dynamics than they, themselves, experienced.

I’m not clear that the amount he’s eating is unhealthy. Perhaps regular exercise could mitigate the impact of eating more than you do if he’s sedentary.
It seems as though he’s eating impulsively, with little joy. Perhaps that could be a place to start? Most people don’t eat like this at restaurants or formal meals — where multiple courses in small-ish portions provide time for savoring one’s food as well as time for one’s body to register satisfaction.

It’s an addiction. He needs professional help, or he will eat himself to death. Literally. You should find an eating disorder program for him, and tell him if he doesn’t do it the marriage is over. You should approach this like alcoholism or drug addiction.

Maybe those weren’t the best examples. His portion size is 2-3 times the average, he often makes himself a sandwich after dinner, he is totally sedentary. He is probably 5’9” and 300 lbs. His BMI is about 44. His knees hurt when he walks. His doctor is very concerned.

And... he shovels food, gets it all over his hands and face.

Call me crazy but I don't think it's the three eggs or two portions of roast chicken alone that made him obese, especially if he's a man. Does he snack on junk all day? Drink a lot of alcohol? Is he sendentary?

My husband is obese and has been most of his life. He had a very rough childhood (lots of shame, emotional abuse, and alcoholism) and often shoveled food into his mouth to leave the table as quickly as possible. He also has a very unhealthy relationship with food and overeats significantly.

His portion size has always been very large. Now, with the stress of everything going on in the world, it has gotten even more so. Tonight we had dinner and I cooked a full large chicken. My daughter and I each ate about a quarter of a chicken, and he ate the rest. When he makes eggs for himself, it’s generally three or four with 3 pieces of toast. He just can’t seem to stop, and often he shoves it into his mouth, getting food on his face. This is shockingly, as in all most aspects of his life he is very meticulous and controlled.

It is very hard for us to watch, and quite disturbing. Naturally, it is sad for us to think about his health. But it also it’s just shocking to see someone eat that much, without listening to their body or ever getting full. Tonight after dinner, my daughter spoke to me privately about how upset it makes her.

I would like to talk to him about it, but I am not sure how to approach it in a way that will not induce shame nor be counterproductive. He knows that his weight is unhealthy, but he feels that he can’t change it. This is just the way it is. Although, there have been times when he has made a change. He used to drink soda a lot, but has changed entirely to drinking seltzer.

Any thoughts or suggestions?