Anonymous wrote:I can't believe she's texting your larger friend group about this!!! Damn girl, be discreet! How does she not know how bad that makes her look? Bizarre.

Agreed. Very odd.

Anonymous wrote:You know being a friend, doesn't mean we have to support everything they do. Good friennds call each other out on their BS.

I think it's fair to tell her, you don't support her in her involment with a married man in anyway, you like her, but you are not comfortable hearing about it etc. And tell her why. Put that boundary in place , She can take it or leave it.

Your friend is 30 something years old she's grown grown and doesn't need to be babied.

This.

You shut down conversations about this guy. He’s not going to leave his wife; he’s using her. If she wants to lament about this, she can talk to someone other than you. Being a good friend means not enabling destructive behavior.

I’ve been in this position, OP. I ended up telling my friend that I didn’t want to hear about her affair anymore and if she needed a sounding board, she needed to find someone else. She acted confused as to why, as though she wasn’t doing anything wrong — because his marriage was over anyway, she claimed. I said that’s not how I saw it and probably not how his wife and kids saw it. She got angry with me. Which means she actually did know she was doing something wrong.

Her relationship with that man ended. This was years ago. She has gone on to have other relationships with married or seriously committed men. We aren’t friends anymore. We didn’t have to have a big falling out. The relationship just fizzled.

But yes, you should say something to her. And yes, you’ve just learned something about your friend.

I can't believe she's texting your larger friend group about this!!! Damn girl, be discreet! How does she not know how bad that makes her look? Bizarre.

Anonymous wrote:My friend is in a relationship with a married man. She’s single (early-mid 30s, although briefly married at 19 and divorced by 21), no kids. She’s lived a bit of a tough life and tends to really grab onto any person who treats her relatively well. The guy is about 40, 3 young kids. He’s given her the usual married man having an affair runaround of “I want to leave my wife, we never have sex, I only stay for the kids” and all that good stuff. Of course she believes all of it. From what she’s told me and what he’s told her, the older two have special needs, one very severe and life-limiting, and the youngest is just a baby. They’re also pretty well-off. So she thinks this guy with a great job and a beautiful home is going to leave his stay at home mom wife college sweetheart and their 3 kids for her any day now. Suuuuuure .......

I’m honestly grossed out by the whole thing - I am married and can’t stand cheaters. Is there any way to help her out of this situation while maintaining the friendship - she really is a good, if misguided in this respect, friend, who has helped me out a lot in the past and I do believe the guy is taking advantage of her in order to have a no-strings sexual relationship. Every time she texts me/our larger friends group about it, I’m kind of sick to my stomach imagining the guy’s wife in this situation.

Have you told her this? At the very least, if I couldn't "stand cheaters" I'd tell her that I don't think dating a married guy is ok and I don't want to hear about it. She sounds like a train wreck.

You know being a friend, doesn't mean we have to support everything they do. Good friennds call each other out on their BS.

I think it's fair to tell her, you don't support her in her involment with a married man in anyway, you like her, but you are not comfortable hearing about it etc. And tell her why. Put that boundary in place , She can take it or leave it.

Your friend is 30 something years old she's grown grown and doesn't need to be babied.

He’s a gross person to abandon his wife because the kids are severely disabled. Saddle her with the burden and run off into the sunset with a new young thing. Speaks volumes about his character. Why would anyone think a man like that is a prize?

Man here with a special needs older kid in a sexless marriage who also had an affair. The difference is I never, ever lead my AP to believe I would leave my wife. I probably won't and if I did, it wouldn't be for her. Affair is in the past now, if that matters.

Point being, special needs kids can take a massive toll on a marriage, and that they are sexless isn't really a surprise. I know I will take flack for this but unless you have BTDT you really have no idea how enormous the strain can be on marriage and your sex life.

You should be her friend but remind her that actions speak louder than words. If he's going to leave, he would have left by now. If you don't want to be her sounding board, then tell her to stop talking to you about it.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it is sexless and super unhappy. He might leave.

OP here - I seriously doubt it. I don’t know a lot about these things but I imagine he’d get absolutely wrecked in child support for 3 kids and a stay at home mom, one of the kids having serious medical needs. I’d have to guess that if they did get divorced, it would be years and years off in the future. I can’t imagine being a side piece that long.

I’m going to try some of the verbiage suggested upthread to hopefully at least not have to hear about it as much. Thanks for the tactful suggestions on how to word it.

Maybe it is sexless and super unhappy. He might leave.

You can be supportive but also honest about it. You don’t have to judge her to say how you feel about what he is doing to his family and what that says about him and how he might be treating her or will in the future.She’ll probably stop talking to you about it because she won’t like the pushback - but that’s okay.

He might actually leave his wife. Doesn’t sound like he has much to stay for. Then what? Just cut off the friendship.

The DCUMers will probably go off on how you should not be friends with this person. I think the compromise is that you sit her down and tell her you are her friend and care about her, but feel uncomfortable with the situation and so when you're together you would appreciate if she would not discuss him or her relationship. That may be tough for her but maybe will make her realize her role in this bad situation.

Ugh gross. She needs some self-esteem. Give her a dose of reality. IF he leaves his wife, he’ll be paying out the nose for alimony and child support. Is she ready to play step mom to extremely SN kids? She’s living in fantasy land.

My friend is in a relationship with a married man. She’s single (early-mid 30s, although briefly married at 19 and divorced by 21), no kids. She’s lived a bit of a tough life and tends to really grab onto any person who treats her relatively well. The guy is about 40, 3 young kids. He’s given her the usual married man having an affair runaround of “I want to leave my wife, we never have sex, I only stay for the kids” and all that good stuff. Of course she believes all of it. From what she’s told me and what he’s told her, the older two have special needs, one very severe and life-limiting, and the youngest is just a baby. They’re also pretty well-off. So she thinks this guy with a great job and a beautiful home is going to leave his stay at home mom wife college sweetheart and their 3 kids for her any day now. Suuuuuure .......

I’m honestly grossed out by the whole thing - I am married and can’t stand cheaters. Is there any way to help her out of this situation while maintaining the friendship - she really is a good, if misguided in this respect, friend, who has helped me out a lot in the past and I do believe the guy is taking advantage of her in order to have a no-strings sexual relationship. Every time she texts me/our larger friends group about it, I’m kind of sick to my stomach imagining the guy’s wife in this situation.