My spouse and I realized when our kids were younger that we often found ourselves unwittingly competing to compare who had it worse: tougher day at work, more tired, etc.

We both made a real attempt to curb that and it helped a lot for us.

My mom does this new call her a one upper. It’s annoying.

When I say “I slept like sh**” or “I need to get some work done today” what I want DH to say is “how about you try to get a nap while I watch the kids” or “I’ll take the kids to the park while you knock it out.”

If he said “oh wow me too” I’d be pissed. Luckily he doesn’t. And I try not to complain all the time.

Anonymous wrote:The rare dcum consensus!

Lol alright! I got the message.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, OP. Why can't you take 30 seconds to say:

"I'm sorry to hear that. Was there something keeping you up?" WAIT FOR A RESPONSE, *act* like you actually care about him, and then mention:

"I had a rough night, too."

OP upon realizing all it takes is 30 friggin seconds to show some empathy for others:

The rare dcum consensus!

He doesn't feel heard. My MIL is just like you and does this to my DH all the time. He hates it.

Ugh, OP. Why can't you take 30 seconds to say:

"I'm sorry to hear that. Was there something keeping you up?" WAIT FOR A RESPONSE, *act* like you actually care about him, and then mention:

"I had a rough night, too."

My dh is like you. For me, it’s maddening because I feel like I’m trying to carve out some space about me. When I tell him I have work to do, that’s me letting him know he’ll be on kid duty for part of the time today. When he chimes in that he needs to do work too, it’s like he’s telling me my need to work doesn’t count, because he has to do some also. It’s frustrating.

Same thing with the being tired. If I had a crap night and feel like I’m going to be bumbling through my day, a perky “me too!” from my partner isn’t helpful. It’s not empathy, it’s stealing my thunder and essentially diminishes my complaint.

I think the “me too” thing is fine with a friend, because then it really is just a conversation. But with your partner, when you’re juggling parenting and household responsibilities together, it is annoying. For me, I’m not saying how I feel just to chat, I’m letting my partner know something is off and I may need them to put in a little bit more today. When they say “me too”, they’re taking that option off the table.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he just wants your sympathy or have the conversation be about him, which is ok every now and then.

Agree.

Spouse: I’m exhausted. Kids kept me up for hours.
You: Yeah, parenting is tough some nights. Glad I’m doing with you. I’m about to make some coffee. Want some?

Spouse: So it’s a holiday, and I’ve got to put in a few hours of labor.
You: Ugh. That’s no fun. What time were you thinking of doing that? I have do some work as well, and was thinking we could tag team with the kids.

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say we had a bad night sleep- kids woke us up. DH says, I’m so tired. I say OMG me too. He says, why do you always have to compare? Today, he said, I have to work today. I said, that sucks, I have a couple things to get done too. He gets annoyed. Wtf. I consider this conversation, he considers is one ups man ship.

You’re making these conversations all about you rather than paying attention to and responding to him. When he says he has to work today, don’t jump right to what you have to do, respond to what he actually said. “That’s too bad. Is it the Boxcars project? It seems like Bob has been working you really hard on that.”

Maybe he just wants your sympathy or have the conversation be about him, which is ok every now and then.

I think you are trying to sympathize by offering shared experiences (I do this too and have to consciously stop myself).

It is weird he cares though, b/c it’s weird for a guy to complain and care in this way. I only care if DW gets upset and blames me for something!

It is if you do it every time. Sounds like you are. Conversation doesn’t have to be you sharing a similar experience or feeling.

Let’s say we had a bad night sleep- kids woke us up. DH says, I’m so tired. I say OMG me too. He says, why do you always have to compare? Today, he said, I have to work today. I said, that sucks, I have a couple things to get done too. He gets annoyed. Wtf. I consider this conversation, he considers is one ups man ship.