Got pregnant and had a miscarriage for my second pregnancy. Health issues for DH who is several years older than me and I am in my late 30's. I did not have an easy 1st pregnancy and the early pregnancy and loss reminded me of this. I'd have to go off a medication during pregnancy that I'd otherwise be on, which poses some risks for me, and this was not an issue during my first pregnancy.

We had DC1 relatively early and have a great, easy kid. We, and grandparents who help a lot, are years older now. We gave the 2nd pregnancy a try and it was a miscarriage and feels final for us.

Pluses for us:
-We want to start travelling again once covid eases up. With one kid we can travel internationally each year and give many opportunities to our kid. Our child loves to travel and gets so much out of it.
-Ours is a low stress life with more time and money, and more time with my spouse. (Double Income, One Elem Kid)
-We won't have to worry about treating multiple kids equally. We can just make decisions for our one kid.
-Happiness research suggests one kid is optimal for happiness, and the mother's happiness especially goes down with 2nd kid.

Best of luck, not easy life choices.

To be honest, it was when DD was 3 months old and started daycare. That bill zapped any emotional attachment I had to the idea of having a second.

OP, I feel the same, though my DH isn’t dead set against. Our youngest is 3 and we feel we need to decide now if we are going to go for it. Our age is a factor as well. I think I am almost afraid to say yes, let’s do it, because what if we can’t conceive? The pandemic is making me feel almost ambivalent. It’s hard to give up on the possibility if something wonderful, even when you are happy with what you already have.

I wasn’t able to move on until I had a BC fail, and couldn’t have gotten the morning after pill quick enough. It made me realize that while I had always dreamed of four kids and I’m sad about never going through the baby phase again, deep down I know stopping at three is the right choice and what I really think is best for our family.

Health issues for my DH. Realistically, we were done (youngest was 7), but that put a hard stop to the what-ifs.

It may be different but I had miscarriage for the 2nd baby, I and DH both felt very sad for months. We are lucky to have DC1 already.

Anonymous wrote:I always wanted to have 4 kids, but after my second it was very easy to let go of that "ideal/dream." I just had to put on paper how much my oldest was costing me in terms of extracurricular activities (4y older than 2nd child, so I had a pretty good idea of how much money we spend on older kids).

Plus, I love to travel with my children and with 2 it is so much more expensive than with one only... I can only "imagine" (also made the math) of how much it would be with 3 or 4 kids....


Aside all of that, I am a better mother of fewer children.

I just wanted to add that of course extracurricular activities and travels are CHOICE. Some people prioritize other things over this, but that is what I want for my life and my children's life. So, if one child wants to do theater at the cost of $2400.00/year (and he/she REALLY wants it), I want to be able to say yes. While I can say yes to that and a few other things for younger child, I wouldn't be able to say yes to 10k/year on extracurricular. Or 24k on 529 instead of 12k. You get my point.

I always wanted to have 4 kids, but after my second it was very easy to let go of that "ideal/dream." I just had to put on paper how much my oldest was costing me in terms of extracurricular activities (4y older than 2nd child, so I had a pretty good idea of how much money we spend on older kids).

Plus, I love to travel with my children and with 2 it is so much more expensive than with one only... I can only "imagine" (also made the math) of how much it would be with 3 or 4 kids....


Aside all of that, I am a better mother of fewer children.

My kids are spaced really far apart - 10 years between oldest and youngest and we have three. What did it for me was having a troubled teen. We were all set for number four and OMG. Our world turned upside down. We didn’t want to bring another child into the chaos and we figured we wouldnt have the energy and/or money for another kid - troubled teens are unbelievably expensive. When I look at the life our youngest has compared to that of the older two, I have no regrets.

Sometimes I still get that feeling at age 42, now that I’m basically positive we wouldn’t try for another. I lost my first pregnancy to miscarriage and once in awhile get a wistful feeling that someone is missing but it has dissipated with time.

The real decision maker was finances, my health problems and the children’s medical issues which have a genetic component.

The key is packing things up for another family who will find joy in the gifts.

I think packing up the baby stuff is always so hard. Because it’s emotional- I was the one who didn’t want more kids but I still cried when packing up the baby stuff because I feel nostalgic for when my kids were babies. But I am thrilled to have extra space in my closets and basement and happy to be decluttering. I will always feel wistful when I see a newborn or look at baby pictures of my kids.

We have two who are three years apart. I always imagined a 3rd, but DH wasn’t there. The thing I love about two relatively close in age is the amazing things we can do together that wouldn’t be possible with a younger sibling. We’ve had amazing trips to London, Costa Rica, Mexico, etc that included long, active days where a younger sibling would have held us back or the trip wouldn’t have been possible. Two works for our lifestyle.

Time. Both because I stopped thinking about it and because my kids got old enough that I enjoyed doing the big kid stuff and didn’t really want to go all the way to newborn stage. The youngest was probably about 2.5 by then and I started to glimpse freedom!

Dh doesn’t want another kid, I do. But it takes 2 yesses so I started the process of packing up baby stuff today. The tiny shoes, the carries, the sleepers, etc. and it’s so so hard and sad. When did you no longer feel the sadness when you see a baby if you wanted another and didn’t have one for whatever reason? Did anything help you move past it? Logically I can accept it and I can tell myself the 100 logical reasons all day, it’s just the emotional side