I too (like other pp) have 2 kids like this and they are both same gender. And the older one is the mature one - for instance, when she was 5 I would let her play outside by herself - ride her scooter (example) or go knock on neighbors door to play. I also would let her in the hotel room for 5 min or so while I went downstairs to talk with the concierge or something along the lines.

I cannot even imagine doing any of this with my youngest. She is 6 and is so babyish. Even now, at 6, I still go outside with her when it is time to ride a bike or scooter. No way in hell I would leave her by herself in a hotel room alone not even for 2 min.

They are the way the are and it is ok.

I have kids like this though both are the same gender. People are different.

My nephew and niece are very similar. Same age difference, very similar personalties. Older boy is much more sensitive to criticism and jokes, younger girl very bold and confident.

I concur with others that this is not a problem, but will dictate some of your parenting.

Something I saw recently is that when my brother got divorced, many members of the family said my niece was "handling it better" because she was not as visibly upset as her brother. This really bothered me because it is insulting to both children. My nephew is not handling his parents divorce poorly just because he is visibly upset. Who wouldn't be! It's not his job to make the adults feel better by acting as though it is all normal and fine. Meanwhile, I do think his sister is more people pleasing and cheerful, and that her positive attitude is at least partly for the benefit of her parents. This is actually pretty classic gender socialization (the girl doing emotional labor for the others in her life by "handling" this huge life change with little emotion and making it easier on others, while the boy is being more vocal about his unhappiness and asking for help). Really both kids should be assumed to need assistance to get through it and neither should be shamed for needing it.

Anyway, I would simply be careful how you think about your kids' personalities. A sensitive kid is often a thoughtful kid, a kind kid, an artistic and bookish kid. And a confident kid may have lots going on under the surface that you might not know about (and may be putting on a brave face in part because they see you seem frustrated or annoyed with the emotions and needs of the older child).

I can understand you perfectly.
I have exactly the same situation at home: older boy, younger daughter.
Love them both the same.
Treat them different.
We do the best we can.
The older one, he asks for more support and he seems to need it. My hope is that he will achieve the same level of maturity and self-reliance but it’s going to take him longer.

I ask this gently, but I wonder if your notions of masculinity and femininity are affecting your behaviors. Your idea that a boy should not be sensitive and should be cared for and your daughter is not in need of caring for is a little scary.

This sounds exactly like my older brother and I. We both grew up thinking the other was our parents' favorite because of how differently we were treated. In adulthood I have a great relationship with my parents but my brother is distant.

Obviously different children have different needs, but I agree with others that you need to question how you have framed those needs and the conclusions you are drawing from that.

Kids are different. You need to learn to meet them where they are.

I am a little confused by your post, what the actually problem is. To me you are making assumptions of how your kids should be based on birth order and gender.

It also seems you hover over your son. I have noticed this is often the case with moms and sons, they pamper the sons and assume their daughters are okay and strong. The reality is they just have expectations of their daughter that allows her to mature while babying the sons.

I'm not saying you have to do exactly the same things for each kid, because each kids has different needs, but you do need to be fair.

Does he have a history of not eating, overheating etc? Do you know why you hover over him like this?

Does he have ADHD or something else that would cause him to struggle with noticing thes things? If he does you should be working with a therapist so that overtime he can develop strategies to get these things done, and do them on the own so that when he turns into an adult he's not dependenat on you or his wife to function.
You also don't help his anxieties by teaching him he needs you to do everything for him or remind him to do everything for him.

Both kids are also only in elementry school, things change all the time with kids, and rapidly. Things might be easy breezy for your daughter now, but they may become more of a stuggle say in middle school, or she may struggle in different areas than you son. So you can't just put her in a box.

My husband and his older sibling had a similar dynamic (Older sibling ultra sensitive and has an explosive temper and difficulty with relationships, anxiety/depression whereas younger sibling-my husband-is more confident, calm, easy going, sociable). My MIL and FIL still to this day pamper and cater to the older sibling and just assume my husband will be the self sufficient and stable one so they don’t need to worry about him. In general I think this has worked out ok for my husband as he has a good relationship with his parents but it definitely sets him and his sibling up for some bitterness as their parents do treat them differently due to their very different personalities. I think assuming your younger child is fine all the time and always worrying about your older child and his needs can be detrimental to both kids, to the siblings’ relationship with each other, and to the whole family dynamic.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have to worry much about the younger one....DD growing up fast, copycats DS growing up, and she knows what she wants. She is strong ( physically & mentally), and she knows how to take care of herself.

It's great that you feel DD is doing so well, but remember that she's just a kid! Her needs may not be as evident as her older brother's, so you may need to pay close attention to know when she does need your support.

Anyone has a immature & sensitive older child but a mature & strong personality younger child? It seems like that they should have switched their birth order.

Is it because of gender (older one is DS & younger one is DD, 3 years apart, both in elementary school)? Does birth order affect kid personalities? I hear that boy matures at a later age. I find myself that I often worry about my older child, but I don’t have to worry much about the younger one. My older one is a bit sensitive, has some anxieties, and he is not that confident in himself . He is not shy & extrovert, but he is not good at sports, taking care of himself & interpersonal communication skills. I try not to micro-manage, let him to do things on his own instead of me doing for him/ helping him, but it is hard for me to look aside & not to step in to help. DH says that if I continue to do that, I am not doing a favor to let him grow up. For example, I often ask him if he needs to eat, drink, feel cold/hot, check his homework, make sure that he is taken care of. DD growing up fast, copycats DS growing up, and she knows what she wants. She is strong ( physically & mentally), and she knows how to take care of herself.

DH wants me to step down on pampering DS, and do not ask him what he wants & decline to help him out on some matters. He needs to learn from consequences & failures.