While you did , fine, and didn't do anything wrong. I think you missed what she was actually saying. She was not seeking a conversation about life and death, she was expressing how much she loved your dog.

So while, you said nothing wring a simple " We love doggy too, she's so funny/" would have sufficed.

I think you did fine, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD will be 4 in October. About a week ago, she declared "we'll have doggy forever!" We really don't like lying to her about that stuff, so we said no. She asked why. We said he'll die one day. We explained that his body will stop working and he'll be gone. She said she wants to get a new doggy just like the old one. We said that would be nice.

Since then, she's asked about dying a lot. Asked if people die -- we said yes. Asked what that means -- we said your body stops working and you're gone. Asked where we go. We said heaven. She got really upset and started crying, saying "I want to be with mommy and daddy forever!" We said it won't happen for a really long time.

I don't know if we said the right thing or not.

Help?

You lied to your daughter about being with her for a long time. You don’t know.

You should have let the innocent remark go about having a puppy forever instead of trying to make a point. You got yourself into this mess.

Get the book:
https://www.amazon.com/City-Dog-Country-Frog-Willems/dp/1423103009

Just read and enjoy and don’t bring things up that are irrelevant.

Was I supposed to say "we could die at any time?" She'd flip out.

Anonymous wrote:Oh and I will say that she's now started to say "I'm pretending I'm dead!" I tell her we don't play like that and she gets upset. I think it's because she has no concept of what dying really means and so she thinks it's something you can play around with -- like pretending you're sleeping.

It’s totally appropriate to play like that. Kids work through things while playing. Why would you stop her from playing that way?

Anonymous wrote:DD will be 4 in October. About a week ago, she declared "we'll have doggy forever!" We really don't like lying to her about that stuff, so we said no. She asked why. We said he'll die one day. We explained that his body will stop working and he'll be gone. She said she wants to get a new doggy just like the old one. We said that would be nice.

Since then, she's asked about dying a lot. Asked if people die -- we said yes. Asked what that means -- we said your body stops working and you're gone. Asked where we go. We said heaven. She got really upset and started crying, saying "I want to be with mommy and daddy forever!" We said it won't happen for a really long time.

I don't know if we said the right thing or not.

Help?

You lied to your daughter about being with her for a long time. You don’t know.

You should have let the innocent remark go about having a puppy forever instead of trying to make a point. You got yourself into this mess.

Get the book:
https://www.amazon.com/City-Dog-Country-Frog-Willems/dp/1423103009

Just read and enjoy and don’t bring things up that are irrelevant.

Anonymous wrote:Is it ok to just kind of not engage them on this issue?

Ds is 4 and he’s very sensitive and anxious. He asks a lot about our dog who died two years ago, and I am not sure it is helping him to know about death. I wish we’d kind of just ignored his questions.

OP here. My kid has literally said, "mommy please tell me more about when things die." I can't really just ignore her on it.

Is it ok to just kind of not engage them on this issue?

Ds is 4 and he’s very sensitive and anxious. He asks a lot about our dog who died two years ago, and I am not sure it is helping him to know about death. I wish we’d kind of just ignored his questions.

I wouldnt have said anything to a 3yo that said she will have her doggy forever.
You opened up this can of worms now though.

My 8yo just experienced death for the first time, her fish she had had for over 2 years was found floating in his tank at the weekend.She cried, we hugged, I told her he was in fishy heaven, we buried him and she decorated the grave. She was sad all day and says she is not ready for another fish yet.
At 3 I would have done the same thing but I would not have brought it up unless there was an actual death to relate to.

I think you handled it just fine. I would've answered the same way.

My kids are 7 and 4 and we've had discussions about death - mostly in the context of my own mother dying long before they were born ("mom, why don't you have a mom?"), and our very old dog who could go at any time. We gave the same explanation - when people die, their bodies stop working, dog is old, every living thing dies, etc. We also believe in heaven, so we explained that's where people go when they die. When my oldest was 5, he started asking really deep questions about how a person gets to heaven, what is heaven like, and why do we have cemeteries if people go to heaven, etc. I've often found that honestly answering, "I don't really know" suffices for these type of questions.

When my kids get worried about me and DH dying - which isn't often - I've told them it won't happen for a long time, no need to worry about it now, and that we will always be with them in their hearts.

You may get a bunch of additional questions, which I think is normal. For a while, my now-4-year-old went around pointing at things in the house and asking, "will this die? will they die? will I die?" I answered her matter-of-factly and she seemed ok with the answers.

Oh and I will say that she's now started to say "I'm pretending I'm dead!" I tell her we don't play like that and she gets upset. I think it's because she has no concept of what dying really means and so she thinks it's something you can play around with -- like pretending you're sleeping.

Just keep answering questions matter of factly. Our previous dog died when my 3.5 year old was 2 and she talks about that pretty matter of factly, and we do too. We have a new dog now and she will occasionally talk about how when this dog dies we'll have to get another, but it's not all that often and she's not particularly emotional about it--they really read you for how to react to these things.

Thanks everyone! I don't know that I personally believe in a heaven in the sense that I told her--which is that it's a really wonderful place where everyone will be together again--but I recognize that it's much more comforting for her to have that in her mind at her age.

You did great - I think it was right to take the opening to talk about it before it hits home in a more real and sad way. (Imagine having to have the talk because your own mom died or something - it’s better to introduce the topic when you are emotionally calm.)

You gave age appropriate, factual answers based on your belief system.

I have three kids and they all became interested in death at age 4. A psychologist friend confirmed that four is a common age to have these questions so she is right on schedule.

If you had said nothing to her initial declaration, it would not have been lying and it would have been fine. Seriously.

Since you’ve gone down this path, probably before she was ready since she hadn’t asked about it, it’s ok for her to be upset. It is upsetting, right? Just tell her that, yes, it’s a sad thought but this isn’t something she needs to Worry about for a very long time (no, now is not the time to be “honest” and tell her that some children are left as orphans). Let her cry, give her hugs, and She’ll move on when she’s ready. Likely she’ll stop asking soon enough for a while.

DD will be 4 in October. About a week ago, she declared "we'll have doggy forever!" We really don't like lying to her about that stuff, so we said no. She asked why. We said he'll die one day. We explained that his body will stop working and he'll be gone. She said she wants to get a new doggy just like the old one. We said that would be nice.

Since then, she's asked about dying a lot. Asked if people die -- we said yes. Asked what that means -- we said your body stops working and you're gone. Asked where we go. We said heaven. She got really upset and started crying, saying "I want to be with mommy and daddy forever!" We said it won't happen for a really long time.

I don't know if we said the right thing or not.

Help?