You don't want him around. He knows it. You don't want him to have a relationship with the kids so stop complaining. You set it up this way and didn't think of the impact when you did.

Al-anon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually annoyed that you're armchair diagnosing him as a narcissist.

Alchoholism is a disease. Focus on that. It does you and your children no good to blame your problems on his perceived narcissism.

You seem to have missed the key point of the father being drunk during visits with his kids. But, yeah, OP is out of line for calling him a narcissit on an anonymous website.

Seriously. OP, if I were in your shoes, I would stop the visits at his house and tell your DC that their father has a disease -- alcoholism -- that makes it unhealthy for them to be around him. I would meet in public places only. I would never drop my kids off with a drunk person.

Regardless of what you do, you should get therapy for the kids. That will be a helpful tool to help them navigate.

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually annoyed that you're armchair diagnosing him as a narcissist.

Alchoholism is a disease. Focus on that. It does you and your children no good to blame your problems on his perceived narcissism.

You seem to have missed the key point of the father being drunk during visits with his kids. But, yeah, OP is out of line for calling him a narcissit on an anonymous website.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alcoholism is a disease. This should be explained to your children.

Your children have made it clear they want to continue to have a relationship with their father, no matter what his issues are. It sounds like they are glad for any time they can get with him even if it's for short periods of time.

I am quite certain your kids can feel your disrespect and death-wish about their father. That is probably impacting how they view their visits. You are putting them in a bad position where their binds to their father are being sawed at by your negative feelings towards him.


You also call him a narcissist. Was this a professional diagnosis from a health care provider or is it your opinion?

If you want to alienate your kids from their father I'd say you are being successful.

The most important thing a divorced parent can do is foster the best relationship possible with the other parent.

You have a lot of nerve. I'm pissed on the OP's behalf just reading this crap. You think she needs a professional diagnosis from a health care provider to call him a narcissist, yet you think you can spew this crap??? Unreal. You suck, PP. OP is clearly trying to do the best thing for her kids. You really, really suck....

Wow. Something hit a nerve!

Yeah, the kids' father is drunk when she drops them off with him, doesn't bother having them for overnights and cancels list minute. OP is STILL trying to find a way for them to see him without being hurt by this behavior, and yet she is being blamed for their relationship. Yes, that hits a nerve. OP's ex is responsible for the effect he's having on his kids. They are hurting. Too bad that only bothers the OP, not their father.

I'm actually annoyed that you're armchair diagnosing him as a narcissist.

Alchoholism is a disease. Focus on that. It does you and your children no good to blame your problems on his perceived narcissism.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alcoholism is a disease. This should be explained to your children.

Your children have made it clear they want to continue to have a relationship with their father, no matter what his issues are. It sounds like they are glad for any time they can get with him even if it's for short periods of time.

I am quite certain your kids can feel your disrespect and death-wish about their father. That is probably impacting how they view their visits. You are putting them in a bad position where their binds to their father are being sawed at by your negative feelings towards him.


You also call him a narcissist. Was this a professional diagnosis from a health care provider or is it your opinion?

If you want to alienate your kids from their father I'd say you are being successful.

The most important thing a divorced parent can do is foster the best relationship possible with the other parent.

You have a lot of nerve. I'm pissed on the OP's behalf just reading this crap. You think she needs a professional diagnosis from a health care provider to call him a narcissist, yet you think you can spew this crap??? Unreal. You suck, PP. OP is clearly trying to do the best thing for her kids. You really, really suck....

Wow. Something hit a nerve!

Anonymous wrote:Alcoholism is a disease. This should be explained to your children.

Your children have made it clear they want to continue to have a relationship with their father, no matter what his issues are. It sounds like they are glad for any time they can get with him even if it's for short periods of time.

I am quite certain your kids can feel your disrespect and death-wish about their father. That is probably impacting how they view their visits. You are putting them in a bad position where their binds to their father are being sawed at by your negative feelings towards him.

You also call him a narcissist. Was this a professional diagnosis from a health care provider or is it your opinion?

If you want to alienate your kids from their father I'd say you are being successful.

The most important thing a divorced parent can do is foster the best relationship possible with the other parent.

The most important thing a divorced parent can do is focus on continuing to be a good parent themselves. Sometimes mediating their children's pain at the hands of the other parent is also called for. It would be insane to foster a good relationship with an unreliable alcoholic. That's gaslighting, and means the kids can't count on either parent.

Anonymous wrote:Alcoholism is a disease. This should be explained to your children.

Your children have made it clear they want to continue to have a relationship with their father, no matter what his issues are. It sounds like they are glad for any time they can get with him even if it's for short periods of time.

I am quite certain your kids can feel your disrespect and death-wish about their father. That is probably impacting how they view their visits. You are putting them in a bad position where their binds to their father are being sawed at by your negative feelings towards him.


You also call him a narcissist. Was this a professional diagnosis from a health care provider or is it your opinion?

If you want to alienate your kids from their father I'd say you are being successful.

The most important thing a divorced parent can do is foster the best relationship possible with the other parent.

You have a lot of nerve. I'm pissed on the OP's behalf just reading this crap. You think she needs a professional diagnosis from a health care provider to call him a narcissist, yet you think you can spew this crap??? Unreal. You suck, PP. OP is clearly trying to do the best thing for her kids. You really, really suck....

Anonymous wrote:You need to be more specific with them. Not "he's got issues that prevent..." but "He has an addiction, which is genetic so you need to be VERY careful when you start drinking, and he prioritizes drinking over anything else, including, unfortunately, you." Then go from there.

This seems like overkill.

I would tell them that their father has an addiction to alcohol, which is a sickness, and that until he is able to cure himself of that disease he is incapable of being a good father or like the fathers of most of their classmates. You wish things were different, but it is not something that either you nor they can control, and that you think it's admirable for wanting to stay in his life even when he lets them down.

There's no need to tell them they are genetically wired to be addicts themselves, or that their dad is a "narcissist" (which I suspect was just OP's characterization here to underscore how frustrating it is to deal with him).

Alcoholism is a disease. This should be explained to your children.

Your children have made it clear they want to continue to have a relationship with their father, no matter what his issues are. It sounds like they are glad for any time they can get with him even if it's for short periods of time.

I am quite certain your kids can feel your disrespect and death-wish about their father. That is probably impacting how they view their visits. You are putting them in a bad position where their binds to their father are being sawed at by your negative feelings towards him.

You also call him a narcissist. Was this a professional diagnosis from a health care provider or is it your opinion?

If you want to alienate your kids from their father I'd say you are being successful.

The most important thing a divorced parent can do is foster the best relationship possible with the other parent.

I'm surprised they want to see him and be with him. My dad was such a horrible drunk (to my mother) that I wish he had simply disappeared on one fine day.
They've been divorced for years now and my dad has always been there for us, kids, but I won't shed a tear when he drops dead, and mine isn't even narcissist. We might have different understanding of what a drunk is. I wanted him gone since I was 7 or 8. That's how bad it was.

You need to be more specific with them. Not "he's got issues that prevent..." but "He has an addiction, which is genetic so you need to be VERY careful when you start drinking, and he prioritizes drinking over anything else, including, unfortunately, you." Then go from there.

Ex is an alcoholic narcissist, I’d be fine if he disappeared off the face of the earth but kids (14, 12 and 9) still want a relationship with him which I support to an extent. He has every other weekend with them but hasn’t had them overnight in about a year. He blames it on me of course, because the custody order requires him to do soberlink for overnight visits and he refuses. Knowing the kids want to see him, I end up dropping and picking them up from his house a handful of times for a couple of hours every few months. So they barely see him. When they are there he’s drunk and has his gf and her kid living with him. Lately he seems even less interested in seeing them and has cancelled on visits last minute. Kids are hurting, they don’t understand why their dad can’t be like other dads. It’s heartbreaking and I don’t know what else to tell them. I’ve repeated it over and over, it’s not your fault, he’s got issues that prevent him from showing love, etc. wondering if anyone can give me advice on what else to say to help them not feel so horrible. I am considering therapy but that can be hit or miss if you have to use insurance. Thank you