I don’t have this specific problem, but for my in-laws, whenever I said ‘this is how the doctor recommends we handle this’ they tend to back off. Inviting them to meet the therapist is an option if all else fails.
Also letting them handle it one time, you leave the room and let them calm her down. Who knows, she might react differently with her grandparents.

Lol. I get it. My Dad is not really a child person so he loves my quiet, super smart and introverted teen. But, my loud, rambunctious, wild and uncontrollable toddler, nope. He refuses to visit us during the whole pandemic because he cannot go to wineries and such to escape being around the kids. He loves my little one as she can be sweet too but you have to play by her rules and he is not up to that challenge. It is tough because his wife believes in giving children whatever they want and she kind of gives her choices that are really what she wants but my DD thinks she came up with it. She loves both DD´s equally. This is hard but I have the only biological grand kids he will ever have.

Anonymous wrote:My DD has anxiety that stems around communication. She had moderate hearing loss that we didn’t get resolved until around 2.5, so prior to that we didn’t understand a word she said. She is highly verbal so this was huge source of frustration. Anyway, she her communication has greatly improved but she’s extremely anxious and worried about not being heard, being interrupted, someone misunderstanding her etc. She is in OT to help her regulate her emotions and she is making progress but meltdown still do happen. My parents and in laws see this strictly has a behavior issue that if we just are stricter, she will be “obey.” When she is having a meltdown, yelling, scolding, punishing, she making it 10 times worse. We do not let her get away with bad behavior but we don’t handle it in the traditional “you yelled at us, so now you need to sit time out” way. It simply doesn’t work with her. Her grandparents are this “because i said so” type, so when we are calming her down, they see it as “letting her win.” At this point I feel like they don’t even like her all that much because compared to my older child (7) she is a lot harder to handle and requires a lot of patience and talking to help her work through her meltdowns.

I mean, she does sound like a handful and her behavior does sound outside the norm for her age. Have you explained to the grandparents that you are aware of the issue and you are working to correct it? If you "do not let her get away with it" what do you do? I can see where it would feel like you are allowing her disrespect her grandparents. Its not okay for her to yell or get mad at people because they don't understand her or ask her to repeat herself.

Would you be open to allowing your parents in on an OT session, so they can see first hand, and maybe also have their concerns addressed by the expert?

I've seen this help, where grandparents just assume, the parents are spoiling a child, but gain a different perspective when an expert is involved.

Even if they don't join, if you haven't already it might be a good idea to get some feedback from your OT on how to handle situations like with the grandparents, or outside the home. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:To be honest, I have no experience with this, but I will throw some thoughts out there. Would your DD be better with a 1 on 1 conversation vs the grands + you all being in the room? I am not understanding your role in the calming down DD. Could she handle that on her own by removing herself from the room? And finally, can you or your spouse “see” the meltdown coming? I am wondering if she is put on the SPOT ( too much pressure). Maybe conversations are too long in duration. I think the goal should be to set her up for success. If that is one sentence, so be it.

I think I agree with this.

What is the context of this happening, OP?

Do you all live together?

Are the grandparents babysitting? If babysitting I wouldn't let them babysit.

Throwing this out there, are your parents the type that if you explained what and how OT is working with your daughter they would better understamd. For example if they knew that is progressive and you build upon things would that help? Because I think they might be thinking that in their eyes she'll be allowed to fly off the handle forever and therefore struggle outside of the home,

Also, and this may be my projection, but maybe just maybe you are overprotective of your DD because you feel guilty for her going undiagnosed for a long time, and you project that the grandparents don't like your youngest. Try not to set it as them vs your daughter in your mind.

OP, I have two kids with anxiety and I think you're overestimating how much or how soon your DD will overcome it, learn self-regulation, and not have meltdowns.

Anxiety is tough. And lifelong. Your whole family has a long road ahead and unsupportive grandparents won't help you or their grandchildren.

To be honest, I have no experience with this, but I will throw some thoughts out there. Would your DD be better with a 1 on 1 conversation vs the grands + you all being in the room? I am not understanding your role in the calming down DD. Could she handle that on her own by removing herself from the room? And finally, can you or your spouse “see” the meltdown coming? I am wondering if she is put on the SPOT ( too much pressure). Maybe conversations are too long in duration. I think the goal should be to set her up for success. If that is one sentence, so be it.

If you think they would be willing to adjust their mindset with education, you could send them some articles to read about using positive discipline for kids with anxiety.
If you think they are too set in their ways and are not interested in updating their opinions, do not leave her alone with them and you take care of the discipline, if it is needed (while ignoring their "advice").

My DD has anxiety that stems around communication. She had moderate hearing loss that we didn’t get resolved until around 2.5, so prior to that we didn’t understand a word she said. She is highly verbal so this was huge source of frustration. Anyway, she her communication has greatly improved but she’s extremely anxious and worried about not being heard, being interrupted, someone misunderstanding her etc. She is in OT to help her regulate her emotions and she is making progress but meltdown still do happen. My parents and in laws see this strictly has a behavior issue that if we just are stricter, she will be “obey.” When she is having a meltdown, yelling, scolding, punishing, she making it 10 times worse. We do not let her get away with bad behavior but we don’t handle it in the traditional “you yelled at us, so now you need to sit time out” way. It simply doesn’t work with her. Her grandparents are this “because i said so” type, so when we are calming her down, they see it as “letting her win.” At this point I feel like they don’t even like her all that much because compared to my older child (7) she is a lot harder to handle and requires a lot of patience and talking to help her work through her meltdowns.